I came home and W was talking about starting a business, using our living room as a consultation space. I find myself getting annoyed, even angry at the idea that she's going to use the benefits of living with me to do this, while she continues to betray me. Yeah, I guess I haven't completely gotten the idea that she's doing this to me out of my head, because occassionally these thoughts inspire anger in me. I can't help thinking that she's so sure that I'll be there for her that she has the security to do whatever she wants to do and she doesn't have to lift a finger for me.
This afternoon I really started feeling like she doesn't deserve me. She doesn't, and especially because she doesn't value me. She treats me like dirt - to some degree because I let her - and she doesn't think twice about it. Is she a bad person for it? Does she feel like she is? I don't know, but I certainly think her antagonistic, self-centered actions should make her feel this way. Is this a way I try and control her? Through guilting her because of how I allow her to treat me, and because I keep coming back and being nice to her I generate some kind of emotional indebtedness? Not something I want, but I'm also tired of her continuing to choose to treat me like crap because she feels like it. She was telling me something and I chimed in and gave her an opinion that tied into hers, and I ended up talking over her for a moment. She got angry that I "wasn't listening to her" even though I repeated what she said, and walked away. I pissed her off, she pissed me off. I'm of course wrong for talking over her, but she always is so nasty.
I need to step out of this habit. I think I worship her in a weird way, even though I see her as she is - flaws and all. Wouldn't any woman want a man like this? Full of admiration. I think she wants someone to lead her, despite the fact that she says otherwise (just at a wedding where this was talked about), but yet she doesn't respect my opinions and leadership. She doesn't buy into my perspective on life and happiness, so how can I lead?
I feel closer and closer to wanting to toss her from the train, to go on with my life and rid myself of the baggage that she is. I work so hard to please her and do for her (at this point I do it because it makes me feel like I'm working to be a good husband and it's the right thing to do) and it never gets recognized. It's humiliating.
I can accept a certain amount of disatisfaction with life as a "that's life" situation. I don't expect to be blissfully happy as a result of my marriage. But I think on some level I'm accepting far LESS than I should. I should have someone equally willing to do for me as I am for her. My W has not been this person, and I think on some level I have resented her for it. I don't know if she can be, and under the present circumstances, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to try. I know she's giving far more to the OM than she's ever given to me, so she's capable of giving of herself, and damn it, I would do anything to have her give of herself to me the way she has given to OM. Is is worth hanging on to this hope and living through this limbo when things look so damn bleak? The only thing that keeps me going is the ideal that the only way I'm willing to walk away from a marriage with children is after we have exhausted all options to be happy and failed. I don't see ever getting the opportunity to try at this point.
So I'm feeling vindictive. I want to tell W that she can't start a business from our home unless she's willing to be a part of this family. I want to split up and move into separate apartments and have her suffer trying to pay her own bills, working some crappy job instead of having the fun of starting her own business and living off of my salary in the mean time. It's a damn cushy proposition, and I don't think she deserves it. I'm getting to the point where my giving is hurting me, and I want to stop the pain. It's not fair, and yet I perpetuate the cycle.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
