Muddle's Waters III

[MuddleThrough]

You know, this is a real problem for me. I too often blame my W for this and other things, and she knows it. The trouble is that all my reasoning is sound, it's just not really useful. I always thought I loved my W unconditionally, and the fact that I recognized her faults and accepted them and loved her anyway was proof of this for me. Now she sees me blaming her for problems, and this is a problem. The fact that I see a need for her to change in order for her to recognize that things are different, or can be different is the most basic issue in MC, yet I can't seem to really get beyond this. I think I have been tolerant of everything she has been or wanted, I have loved her unconditionally, and I have loved myself unconditionally - maybe even to my detriment.

I think a big problem with me is that I'll do the wrong thing because either I haven't thought things through, I get sidetracked and get clumsy, or I'm motivated by my feelings of discomfort or desire for something else and I don't weigh the decision in the best possible way - then I am remorsful. My bad memory pisses my W off, and this is something I can't really change. Then I appologize for everything, and this doesn't mean anything. I guess I need to be more assertive in either standing by my decisions more firmly or working on making better decisions. I think the idea of unconditionally loving myself does me in to a certain degree because I can accept the less than perfect outcome of my decisions. My W complains that I could get used to or accept anything, and to some degree this is true. I think she and I have very different ideas of what it takes to be happy. She has this idea that if you strive for and eventually get what you are striving for, you will be happy, and I feel that the striving is where the happiness comes from. It's more divergent thinking than this example demonstrates, because my limitation here is that I can accept that it's ok to not get where you are trying to go as long as you tried and learned something in the process, whereby her thinking is that you shouldn't even try if you're not going to get what you want. I know I need to work on being a bit more ambitious - this is a part of becoming more responsible - but I have a track record of being ambitious on a smaller scale and being successful at it, and I'm truly happy with who I am and what I can do. My W blames me for our family struggling financially when I make a decent salary and I work a second job to supplement our living. Having to work this second job is a lot for me, and I would love to make more than I do at my day job, but at present, I'm working towards several things and it doesn't seem wise to me to move on yet. I guess this is my stubbornness, but I also think it's unreasonable for my W to expect more from me when we've already come such a long way in a relatively short time. I keep thinking that this is just a problem with her perspective - and again, that's the problem with me: I can't validate her perspective on why she's unhappy because I think the core of it is wrong. I have good reason, and I also understand why she's right when I see it through her eyes. This compounds her self esteem issues which make her VERY afraid to be wrong because she ALWAYS thinks she's wrong. So here I am always somehow telling her she's wrong (because of her sensitivity to this and predisposition to looking for this criticism) and here I actually think she's wrong in a lot of ways, even though I accept her thinking as legitimate. What do I do to grow to accept this? Is this an irreconcilable difference? Is the kind of growth necessary for her to come around to accepting that she can be viewed as wrong by another and still be right within herself possible while we are in a relationship with each other? I like to have philosophical conversations and to challenge people's beliefs and ideals. This doesn't mean that I think they're wrong, but I can't get into these conversations with my W unless I take her side almost completely. I think her world view is so fragile that if I don't agree, she shuts me out completely and dismisses me. I love to learn from others about their perspective on the world. I love to see different perspectives. I love to keep my mind open to new points of view because there is sure to be something I can incorporate into mine, some value and utility.

So now I have just rationalized my point of view as being superior to hers and her issues being the cause of our differences of opinion without taking a whole lot of responsibility for making changes in myself. Is it that she's insecure and a lot of our issues come from that, or am I badgering her somehow (certainly not intentional or even on the surface in verbal communication)? I want her to know I love her unconditionally - but to her (who I don't think really loves herself unconditionally), I don't think she sees that I truly see someone worthy of this. Over the weekend she told me that she has started liking sunny days. She's redefining herself in this A relationship and she wants to dump this person she was before the A started. I think on some level she's afraid that she can't be someone else while we're together because I know her as she was - even though I fight to see the person she is becoming. I want to be a part of her growth, and every time I see something new and different I try and validate it, encourage it, just so she knows that I welcome changes in her. Not because she was wrong or bad before, but because I want to grow with her and I recognize her growth as healthy and important.

How do I change myself more than I have to create a better platform for a relationship when I feel I am in pretty good shape to begin with? At least what I can control is worthy and pretty darn good. I know I can DO more, and this is what I'm working at. Going through this process is really difficult because I keep getting berated for characteristics that I can't really change, or that everyone has flaws with, and my response is to reinforce the positive side of this quality. Where does this change begin then? I have accomplished a lot in these months. Even my W recognizes that she admires the father I am and the husband I have tried to be. I have searched myself and I keep putting responsibility for things on my W. This to me is proof that I'm hiding things from myself, things that I will kick myself for later. I need to see these things for what they are now, before it's too late.