Muddle's Waters III

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks guys. The idea that she needs a wake-up call is dangerous to me, but I think it might just be the risk I need to take. Right now she "knows" she can do whatever she wants to and I'll stick by her, practically begging (not actually, but my presence and constant kindness in the face of her abuse screams this) her to turn around and try again. GH has said before that sometimes it takes the LBS completely giving up before they are able to make the changes necessary to win back the WAS, and I think for my W, being left without a life or resources will make her think about whether there is more to life than just feelings. It's a fine line, and very slippery. I want to agree to stop doing things for each other, but I fully expect her to manipulate and badger me to do for her when she feels like it. From the beginning of this sitch, I have always felt that separation is the only way through this, but I feel my hands are tied getting that done because we will have to move out of our family's home to accomplish this. Not something I want to do. My son shouldn't be punished for this.

On some level I'm really nervous to do this because there's a chance that she's so committed to this that she will force herself through it rather than allow herself to recognize that she's doing the wrong thing. This makes it critical that I can live with the fact that I initiated action to end our marriage, should it come to that. I'm not really there yet.

I keep contemplating writing to my cousin and copying his parents, to put more pressure on the A relationship. In the past this really strained it. I know there will be some real fallout in my R and I'm not too sure it can survive that, but the A is certainly not something this M will survive if I continue to treat it the way I have been.

Last night, W kept talking about how her stomach was hurting from nerves and that she was emotional. I didn't pry into this, but I can only assume that there was realization that she is losing face with her family - because at the wedding things were great and I got along really well with her family. They like me. But I also can't help wondering if there's some trouble in paradise.

I know I'm too reactive and fixated on this whole situation. I should be more focused on myself, and then she'll have something to admire and focus on in me should she choose to. I find it hard to do that because I feel like I'm just distracting myself from her walking out of my life, and while I know that giving her all the attention I'm giving her may be giving her more reason to run, the fact is that she's still here and WANTS the attention from me. There's a real power struggle going on still, and I don't really know what to do about it.