Quote: He wants to get together before the support hearing next week and put my name on HIS bankcount (I'll keep my seperate one NO MATTER what). He wants us to start over.
Hi Emily. I'm glad to see you are not jumping to take any action without thinking things out. You sure have grown a lot.
Think of the child support situation as a business deal: If someone owed you money and you had to go to court to get paid, would you accept their 'promise' of 'access' to their accounts if you would just 'drop the case'? No, you'd tell them to pay you SOME amount to show good faith, then you'd drop it (or put it on hold) if they promise to pay on a schedule you both agree to, right?
So, tell him you don't need your name on his account (he could keep it empty now couldn't he?) You need a CHECK. You will even HOLD a check till he has money since he seems to be unable to keep his phone bill under control. But you will not hold it past the hearing date. It has to clear before then. And you have to KNOW it cleared before you move forward.
Yeah, he'll whine about it, tell you he loves you and you don't need to do this, and you should trust him.
Your answer is simple. Calmly say: "I want to trust you and this is the first step. If you truly do love me and want to work on our relationship then it will take small steps to heal the hurt and rebuild the trust. For both of us."
Emily, this is the DB way. It's not an accusation, and you say it with respect and love, no anger.
This is not an unreasonable request to make of him. I know I would do it for my W if she needed it to rebuild trust. If he gets angry then what message does that tell you? And if he DOES get angry then gently remind him that you both have a history of changing your minds about what you want, and this is the way you'll be able to stabilize your situation - small steps to build trust with each other.
Quote: I said something about everything that DBing says and he replies, "So why is it that now when I'm ready to come back . . . when I want to be with you MORE than the day I married you. . . are you ready to quit."
You didn't say you were quitting - you are taking the 'reconciling' SLOWLY so you can rebuild trust. He KNOWS you both need to do that. If he can NOT accept that trust building is needed then HE is NOT ready. He is still in his self centered fog.
Emily, YOU need to speak with calm. Use short statements, ALWAYS pause and think about what you want to accomplish (to learn to trust him again) and how what he says helps or hurts that goal BEFORE you respond to anything he says. Your conversation should have a lot of pauses in it while YOU compose yourself, instead of reacting emotionally.
Quote: He asked me to just trust him until next Monday when we started to mesh everything back together. Is this some crazy ploy . . . is this the last straw on the camel back cracking or could it be the divorce busting . . . .
You can build trust by seeing if he will do what I have suggested. There is no reason for him NOT to give you a check that is post dated, and to back off and let you SEE that he has changed. At least not if he REALLY wants to make it work.
Quote: I feel so bad for him . . . this poor confused man . . that just wants me to try to trust him again. He's trying to make up his mind . . . can't I make it a little easy on him?
Keep the contact unless it becomes obvious to you that it isn't working. Stick with the 'rebuilding trust' theme in your conversations. You ARE making it a 'little easier' by alowing him to demonstrate his intentions are true.
You both need to re-learn the trust. This has to happen BEFORE jumping into each others arms and professing undying love to each other. If it doesn't then you and he haven't learned anything, except how to lie to yourselves and run from problem to problem while never actually solving them.
You can do this. Keep yourself grounded in the reality that it will take TIME for him to earn your trust back and you can give him ways to do that without being too vulnerable.
If he really DOES love you he will understand. He will. Watch for that understanding.
I always like to make a short list of goals before a 'negotiation'. Here are your goals:
1) I will be calm in the conversation. If he is emotional I will wait until he is done with his outburst, then calmly respond.
2) We are rebuilding trust. To do that he must offer to give me support money directly. Only then will I be able to trust that he means what he says.
3) Even if he wants to run home to me and throw himself at my mercy I will not allow it. Rebuilding trust takes small steps and I MUST have that trust before I can allow my heart to be open again.
4) If he is sincere in his intentions, he will do these things.
