Emily In one of your posts you talk about the anger you feel and how you handle things, the rage you have. So what are you going to do about that part of your life?
The reason I ask is because I also went though that unhealthy behavior and did EMDR therapy for a while. It made a HUGE difference in my life and there is no more deep rooted anger.
I learned how to cry and be vulnerable after years of not being able to do that.
It may be something to consider.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I found something you are really good at - blowing through threads faster than I can keep up!!!
Wow - it seems you have been from the pit of despair to the top of the mountain back to somewhere in between. You are on a roller coaster and there is one piece of advice based on all of your threads that you MUST REALLY HEED. EVERYONE IS TELLING YOU THIS. ARE YOU READY? PLEASE DO THIS ONE VERY SIMPLE THING...
CUTOFF CONTACT WITH YOUR H!!!
For me - anytime I am around my W more - I start getting batty. I start feeling like I need to reach out, to tell her how I am feeling, to ask her to give us another chance.... You name it, it goes through my head.
The best thing you can do is to cutoff contact with him. If you have to talk to him because of CS - then make it all business. The very fact him being around you - at that it was nice - threw you into a whirl. Almost to the point that you were going to give up your girls! Don't do it.
You need time away - you need time to heal yourself. You need time to prepare and you need time to detach. I feel like I have finally detached. If you want to feel some freedom - then listen to me carefully because you will get the freedom you need. DETACH FROM YOUR H. You will think so much more clearly and you will be able to withstand the drama way more easier. You can do it. To detach is not to give up or to withdraw. To detach is to let go and let God take care of your H and your M.
By detaching, you also take the power away from the OW (I won't dignify her with a name - perhaps you should start referring to her as OW as well). You give her and your H too much power over your life.
Emily - you are young, you are special, you are beautiful, and you have so much potential. Right now you are learning things that many of us had to learn later in life. I took a parenting class with my W a while back. Remember I have 4 children under age 11. One of the things they told us was to allow our children to make mistakes. We as a parent - want them to make mistakes as a child - because these mistakes are more costly as the child gets older. For example, a child not wearing knee and elbow pads while roller blading may result in scraped up knees or elbows. But a teenager not wearing their seatbelt that gets into a car accident could result in serious injury or death. We were taught in this class that often the consequences are the teacher - not the punishment.
You H is suffering consequences of his actions now. No matter how clearly he appears to be thinking - he is lost. That doesn't mean he won't find himself - but this is not for you to do. Your job is to find you and to take care of those beautiful little girls. Your M may be in the toilet now- it may be headed for a D. Who knows? Only God does. But you are young enough to recover from this. To be all that you can be. To be woken up at a early enough age that you have so much time to do something about it. Having to fight for your M when you feel so powerless sucks - we all know how you feel.
But my priest said in a homily once that people always are telling you - "Don't just stand there - do something!" But sometimes in life we must be told "Don't just do something, stand there!" In regards to your (and all of our marriages) this is what we must do. We must all adhere to the "Dont' just do something, stand there!" philosophy. However, for our own selves - the things we can control - we must do something for ourselves.
God helps those who help themselves. This is true - help yourself. But you don't have to do anything for your M. Just be a stander for now. As you said, you don't want another R right now. Sure, having intimacy and sex sounds good to all of us right now based on all the rejection we have felt as LBSs (maybe you were just honest enough to admit you would like to. Heck, I would love to right now, but this is a temptation we have to deal with). Let God take care of your H and your M. You take care of Emily - do for yourself and for your girls.
In regards to your H and your M - "Don't just do something - stand there!"
In regards to Emily - improving you - "Don't just stand there, do something!"
On the days you don't feel like doing something, just pray.... Okay, I have rambled on long enough today. Take care of YOU Emily!!! You are special, you are worthwile, and your are worthy of anything good that happens to you. Dare to be great Emily! You can do it!
Sure Santhony. I asked this before and I'll ask it again (I don't think I ever got an answer.) What DO I do if he calls? Do I tell him I CAN'T talk or WON'T talk . . . or do I pretend like I can't hear him . . say hello a few times (like I can't hear him reply) and hang up . . then not reanswer if he calls back ? How do I react?
Quote: I'm sorry but you're still going to have a process to go through so you might as well go through the one you're already in...right? I'm not trying to be a smarta$$ . . . OK maybe a little . . . but what's the difference??????
I think it was talked about - not answering - and then you said you didn't have Caller ID, and then someone suggested a cheap version and you said you couldn't spend the money.
That's OK , you don't have to have caller ID.
Try not to answer his calls. BUT, if you have to answer them: 1. Keep the call short. 2. No Relationship talk (this is DB 101!) 3. be the first to hang up. Say, listen, I'd love to chat right now, but Felina's in the tub, Baby's got her hands in a mess, goota go. Talk to ya later. 4. Just be polite. Keep your distance. Don't feed into his drama. Don't feed into his cycles. 5. Have a list of things you wont talk about him for a while. Make (Insert mean nick-name for Cassie that you haven't invented yet here) one of those subjects. 6. Cut it short in a nica way possible as soon as you feel emotions start to come on. As soon as you feel you're going to ask hum toc ome back, scream at him, whatever... hang up!
This is all DBing 101, Emily. I think it's time you read the book again.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
Wow Emily you are getting really good ADVICE HERE. YES NOONE CAN SPECIFICALLY KNOW THE AGONY YOU ARE IN,,, but we all have had agony of our own and are trying to help you thru it. You are doing better today it seems and I want to say that makes me feel better.
Santhony is sooooooooo right about detaching it does not mean I GIVE UP, etc. etc. It does help the pain to get difused some. It really , really does. The pain on top of the OW part of it is what you have been focusing on for awhile and yes baby it hurts like %%$##$^%&. Insert any term there!!
I remember after I found out @ OW and he would go to the " gas station" for something or just have the balls to talk to her outside in his truck for sometimes close to an hour. I felt as though: I could not breathe ,, I wanted to choke the living daylights out of him,, I wanted to scream at him,, I wanted to tell him to get his sh*t together and get theF*CK out,,, Throw my damn stilettto at his face Oh honey I could go on and on and on... ... But every damn time he walked in the door or made me feel worthless. I remembered my worth and I faked a big smile and never said too much. I do remember telling him to have a good life with her,, etc. etc.. and I was serious.
... and well you know my sitch... H*ll he still has the damn tattoo and will snuggle me and actually want me to lay on it,, he does not literally say " lay on the tattoo of her name on my chest " but he pulls me by him and thats exactly where it is. It has taken alot for me to get past this...{{ insert Stillettos once again ...can I throw it at him??? }}}} LMAO....
You will have your trials but you need to focus on you and getting stronger, and everyone here is giving you fantastic ways to do it. You have a great support system here. Really try to be more fluid and take in what they are telling you and try it on see if it fits and make the changes. I took a cold hard look at myself and while I know my H is no Saint I realized I had some things I could get rid of and did so. The old me would not have been so tolerant and smiley while he was killing me on a Daily Basis. I am not saying that you are bad and Kevin is right,, what I would like you to see is that BY letting go and being the best you ,, your life will be so much richer.
My changes have literally affected every relationship in my life. I am being honest and sincere. I really do care alot about you ,, I even talk to my kids about you,, my little ones think I know you from High School ,, {{ yeah right I am an old lady compared to you }}} and my 14 year old son knows your struggles because he knows I come here {{BB}} for peace. I have asked all my 4 children to pray for you. My 17 year old lives with Grandma and I do not talk to him much otherwise he would be praying for you too.
...hang in there honey you can do this. WE ALL BELIEVE IN YOU God bless...
It's not that I don't wanna share my life with you, baby. It's just that I'm the one I need to be true to, baby. And I won't give up me to be part of you. It's not that I don't wanna have you in my life, baby. It's just you gotta know that it's got to be right, baby, Before I open up my heart to you.
I don't need somebody to complete me. I complete myself. Nobody's got to belong to somebody else.
I belong to me. I don't belong to you. My heart is my possession. I'll be my own reflection. I belong to me. I'm one not half of two. And if you're gonna love me You should know this, baby, I belong to me.
I gotta let you know before I let you in, baby, That who I am is not about who I am with, baby. That don't mean I don't wanna be here with you - I do.
I don't need somebody to complete me. I want you to know I'll give up my love but I'm not giving up my soul.
I belong to me. I don't belong to you. My heart is my possession. I'll be my own reflection. I belong to me. I'm one not half of two. And if you're gonna love me You should know this, baby, I belong to me.
Oh yeah
Love don't mean changing who you are to be Who somebody wants you to be. Nobody's got to belong to nobody.
I belong to me. I don't belong to you. My heart is my possession. I'll be my own reflection.
I belong to me. I don't belong to you. My heart is my possession. I'll be my own reflection. I belong to me. I'm one not half of two. And if you gonna love me You should know this, baby, I belong to me.
Quote: Umm . . I finally went through the paper . . there was nothing in there. A bunch of jobs my H could take with his CDL but nothing for me. UGH . . . I hate living in a little town!
Emily, You're smart, you know how to use computers and you know how to use the internet. There are jobs for at home data entry, medical transcription and other stuff. I"m not knowledgable on what to do to find them without paying some clown who has two boats, a mansion and a 'secret method' but legitimate jobs DO exist because I have met women who do them.
I found this site work at home moms and it seems like a good starting point.
Quote: What DO I do if he calls? Do I tell him I CAN'T talk or WON'T talk . . . or do I pretend like I can't hear him . . say hello a few times (like I can't hear him reply) and hang up . . then not reanswer if he calls back ? How do I react?
If he calls you, then let him talk. Just be quiet and listen - don't react. Be sure you end the call first - I have to go ..(something on the stove, in the middle of a good book, studying for a course, baby is crying....). If he brings up the R or M - then listen and validate (I understand how you are feeling.....).
Right now your H is not thinking clearly so he will be all over the map. Just don't let him control the knobs on the roller coaster - which is what I think you have done before. You control the ride or lack there of. So avoid the ride. If he starts going to a place you are not ready to talk about - simply tell him that. But I think for like 1 month - you should have no contact unless you need something from him (which you really don't right?) or if there is an emergency with the girls you think he should know about. But try to not talk to him at all of one month - at least you shouldn't call. If he calls, don't answer the phone (I don't think you have caller id). Let him leave a message. If it is that important, he will leave a message. Please keep in mind, this is my 2 cents!
}}} and my 14 year old son knows your struggles because he knows I come here {{BB}} for peace. I have asked all my 4 children to pray for you. My 17 year old lives with Grandma and I do not talk to him much otherwise he would be praying for you too. 