I found something you are really good at - blowing through threads faster than I can keep up!!!
Wow - it seems you have been from the pit of despair to the top of the mountain back to somewhere in between. You are on a roller coaster and there is one piece of advice based on all of your threads that you MUST REALLY HEED. EVERYONE IS TELLING YOU THIS. ARE YOU READY? PLEASE DO THIS ONE VERY SIMPLE THING...
CUTOFF CONTACT WITH YOUR H!!!
For me - anytime I am around my W more - I start getting batty. I start feeling like I need to reach out, to tell her how I am feeling, to ask her to give us another chance.... You name it, it goes through my head.
The best thing you can do is to cutoff contact with him. If you have to talk to him because of CS - then make it all business. The very fact him being around you - at that it was nice - threw you into a whirl. Almost to the point that you were going to give up your girls! Don't do it.
You need time away - you need time to heal yourself. You need time to prepare and you need time to detach. I feel like I have finally detached. If you want to feel some freedom - then listen to me carefully because you will get the freedom you need. DETACH FROM YOUR H. You will think so much more clearly and you will be able to withstand the drama way more easier. You can do it. To detach is not to give up or to withdraw. To detach is to let go and let God take care of your H and your M.
By detaching, you also take the power away from the OW (I won't dignify her with a name - perhaps you should start referring to her as OW as well). You give her and your H too much power over your life.
Emily - you are young, you are special, you are beautiful, and you have so much potential. Right now you are learning things that many of us had to learn later in life. I took a parenting class with my W a while back. Remember I have 4 children under age 11. One of the things they told us was to allow our children to make mistakes. We as a parent - want them to make mistakes as a child - because these mistakes are more costly as the child gets older. For example, a child not wearing knee and elbow pads while roller blading may result in scraped up knees or elbows. But a teenager not wearing their seatbelt that gets into a car accident could result in serious injury or death. We were taught in this class that often the consequences are the teacher - not the punishment.
You H is suffering consequences of his actions now. No matter how clearly he appears to be thinking - he is lost. That doesn't mean he won't find himself - but this is not for you to do. Your job is to find you and to take care of those beautiful little girls. Your M may be in the toilet now- it may be headed for a D. Who knows? Only God does. But you are young enough to recover from this. To be all that you can be. To be woken up at a early enough age that you have so much time to do something about it. Having to fight for your M when you feel so powerless sucks - we all know how you feel.
But my priest said in a homily once that people always are telling you - "Don't just stand there - do something!" But sometimes in life we must be told "Don't just do something, stand there!" In regards to your (and all of our marriages) this is what we must do. We must all adhere to the "Dont' just do something, stand there!" philosophy. However, for our own selves - the things we can control - we must do something for ourselves.
God helps those who help themselves. This is true - help yourself. But you don't have to do anything for your M. Just be a stander for now. As you said, you don't want another R right now. Sure, having intimacy and sex sounds good to all of us right now based on all the rejection we have felt as LBSs (maybe you were just honest enough to admit you would like to. Heck, I would love to right now, but this is a temptation we have to deal with). Let God take care of your H and your M. You take care of Emily - do for yourself and for your girls.
In regards to your H and your M - "Don't just do something - stand there!"
In regards to Emily - improving you - "Don't just stand there, do something!"
On the days you don't feel like doing something, just pray.... Okay, I have rambled on long enough today. Take care of YOU Emily!!! You are special, you are worthwile, and your are worthy of anything good that happens to you. Dare to be great Emily! You can do it!
