Chloroform The One You Love

[AmyC]

Emily,

Your rage is justified and we all understand that.
What we are trying to make you see is that you can not take it so personally, Kevin is a lost man right now.
I know it is hard NOT to take it personally when he waltzes in and out of your life and the lives of his daughters but you have to find the way to step back a little and realize that Emily, this is NOT about YOU.

YOU were not the perfect, just as I wasn't and all the other wives on here aren't and all the other husbands on here were not perfect either.
We all know that. None of us is or was worse than the other.
Fact is, we all ended up here, didn't we?

We're older than you and have our share of hard lessons already under our belts and we are just trying our damnedest to try to spare you more pain than you're already in.

Yep.
You didn't get the pick of the litter when you married Kevin.
Tought sh*t.
You have said yourself that you know you are called to stand.
Well as sure as God made that clear to you, He will make other things clear to you.
BUT NOT ONE MOMENT BEFORE YOU ARE READY.

Emily, I challenge you to do two things this week.
One, set things in motion to get your license.
Two, look for a job.

Those are things that will help you to feel better about yourself and that is absolutely the most critical thing that you lack; self esteem.

You MUST get out of that apartment and be a functional adult.
It doesn't matter the level at which you function right now, just THAT you function SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN IN THAT APARTMENT AS YOU HAVE BEEN.

You can't change what Kevin is doing right now but that's not your calling.
Your call is to stand.
Your call is to let God raise YOU up to be the best wife you can possibly be.
That's a work that is just between you and God.
Your FLESH is all that stands in the way.
Stop being a slave to your flesh, your feelings.
Let go and turn your life over to God.

You believe.
Start from scratch.
Get on your knees and confess every sin you can recall.
Ask God into your heart.
He will do the rest.
You just have to be a willing vessel.
He will do nothing until you let Him deal with YOU.

THEN when HE HAS RAISED YOU UP, all of hell is going to tremble when you step out to reclaim your marriage.

It starts with you, though.

It starts with you.


And Emily, if Kevin doesn't show up at that child support appointment, that's Kevin's problem.
YOU show up and do what YOU have to do.

Kevin showing up or not showing up is KEVIN'S problem ALONE.

[Sandy_wants_to_try]

Emily,
You have to learn not to react or respond to people who push your buttons. RB is just trying to make you see something you're not ready to see. Wrong timing on his part...
You have the choice to ignore them.

Please make that list? you know - the one we talked about.

You're cycling again. You're going through the angry phase right now... in a day or two, you'll be through the "I'm a piece of sh*t" phase, then you'll find strength and find calm and DB for a day or two, then you'll miss him, pursue, he'll be an a$$hole again and you'll go into depair, and then anger again... over and over and over...
You've been here how long? I've seen this cycle since I got here a few months ago.

Don't you think it's time to stop? You can stop it. It would be better if you had help - from a therapist. But you can stop it.

Stop the cycle now. Ignore the things that push your buttons. Focus on yourself.
It may actually do you good to stay away from here for a little while. I think people feed into your cycles and make them worse.

Think about it. You can stop the cycle. Once you do, you'll be able to cope with enerything better.

[RBinBR]

SO NOW IT'S MY GODDAMN FAULT HE KICKED ME OUT TO [censored] CASSIE RIGHT?
THAT'S ALL ME.
BECAUSE NOTHING I DO COULD POSSIBLY BE GOOD ENOUGH.
IT'S ALL MY [censored] FAULT.
WELL [censored] YOU TO PAL.

I'M DONE WITH YOUR BULLSHIT.
GO TO HELL IF IT SO PLEASES YOU.
FORGIVE THE [censored] OUTTA ME FOR NOT BEING SUPERHUMAN.
I SUPPOSE YOU ARE PERFECT RIGHT?
I SUPPOSE THAT YOU'RE WIFE IS [censored] SOMEONE BECAUSE YOU ARE STELLAR AND SHE FELT SHAMED IN YOUR GRACE OR SOME [censored] STUPID REASON RIGHT.

Emily, if you ever read my threads, you'd know that I was hooked on porn through most of my marriage. Me, perfect? Not by a long shot. I'm not at all afraid to take responsibility for my part in wrecking my marriage.

My wife is with another guy, but the fact that Jesus has forgiven my sins is the thing that enables me to forgive her and continue to love her, even as my sitch now moves toward a divorce at the one-year mark of the A.

You aren't supposed to be superhuman, Emily, but you are supposed to be a Christian. That means you're supposed to love your enemies, you're supposed to pray for those who hurt you, you're supposed to forgive others if you want your own sins forgiven.

Perhaps that is superhuman after all ... I know that I couldn't do it without Christ in my heart. Emily, how much do your really trust Him? I was a Christian before this, but it wasn't until I decided to let the Holy Spirit truly guide my actions that I got the peace and joy that I have now. I can honestly rejoice over the blessings that God has given me, even as I prepare for a life without the woman I love ... and that is completely by His grace.

PS I love you, Emily. I mean that. I feel like your older brother.

[Emily28]

And Emily, if Kevin doesn't show up at that child support appointment, that's Kevin's problem.
YOU show up and do what YOU have to do.

Kevin showing up or not showing up is KEVIN'S problem ALONE. I know it is HIS problem. But it becomes MY problem. Because my friend is taking off work to drive me the 4 HOURS downstate to go to the support conference. SO if he doesn't show will they do the stuff anyway . . or will they say, "OH well . . " and reschedule. . . and make me refigure out babysitting and transportation for the day.??
That's the only reason I care. I don't care if he misses it and they throw him in jail for 17 years . . . I'm worried about ME wasting MY time. . . and that of my friend.

One, set things in motion to get your license. like what Am?
Two, look for a job This is on going. I don't stop looking for a job! I haven't gone through the paper I got yesterday yet though .. .

[Emily28]

RB I owe you an appology:

I AM SORRY!


You just hit the wrong nerve at the right time . . .

Anyway.

Sandy you are VERY right . . . it is a HUGE circle.
I'm not sure exactly how to end the problem though.
I don't really remember what I was suppose to make a list about. . . I think I was lost from the begining.


Guys . . . I don't know what I am going to do.
I'd rather just have the divorce over . . .
I mean at least then there's no chance of it recycling.
It would finally just be at rest.

[Sandy_wants_to_try]

Emily,
Getting a divorce wont stop it from recycling. It wont stop your depression cycling and it wont stop the pain. Only you can stop the pain.
There really is no difference between just focusing on yourself, seperating for a while, not keeping contact by going dark and divorcing.
You still have to detach. You still have to go down your list of things to do. You still have to deal with him in certain ways. You still have to focus on you and the girls.

It's only a piece of paper.
He left. Divorced or not, that's what happened.
Now you get on with life. Whatever happens a few months down the road, happens.
Your life is not over because of him, right?
You are more than just Kevin's wife.
So be all the other people you are other than Kevin's wife.
Taske that first step and the rest will be easier.

Make the list. All the things you have to do over the next few weeks:

1. Put together resumé
2. Send out resumé
3. Go to that meeting
4. Get drivers license
5. Find clothes for Felina
6. ...
7. ...

you continue. Then you set yourself on those tasks... just take them on, one by one. Focus on the list. Make none of the items about him... only about you and the girls.

[AmyC]

And Emily, if Kevin doesn't show up at that child support appointment, that's Kevin's problem.
YOU show up and do what YOU have to do.

Kevin showing up or not showing up is KEVIN'S problem ALONE. I know it is HIS problem. But it becomes MY problem. Because my friend is taking off work to drive me the 4 HOURS downstate to go to the support conference. SO if he doesn't show will they do the stuff anyway . . or will they say, "OH well . . " and reschedule. . . Call and ask. and make me refigure out babysitting and transportation for the day.??
That's the only reason I care. I don't care if he misses it and they throw him in jail for 17 years . . . I'm worried about ME wasting MY time. . . and that of my friend.

One, set things in motion to get your license. like what Am?
Two, look for a job This is on going. I don't stop looking for a job! I haven't gone through the paper I got yesterday yet though .. .

---

Fine, Emily.
You are obviously doing everything you can do.

[kafira]

I know it is HIS problem. But it becomes MY problem. Because my friend is taking off work to drive me the 4 HOURS downstate to go to the support conference. SO if he doesn't show will they do the stuff anyway . . or will they say, "OH well . . " and reschedule. . . and make me refigure out babysitting and transportation for the day.??

I don't know if it's the same in every state, so you may need to call and ask. In some states, if one doesn't show up at the support conference, the default amount of child support is awarded. So, yes, it's possible that things can be finished without him there.

[Emily28]

Alrighty Amy . .

I my Dad has to go to the town that the DOT office is and he's going to stop in and see if you have to make an appointment to take your drivers test . . . and schedule one for me I think if you do.

God Bless my Dad! LOL

So there . . I did SOMETHING . . . well sort of

Umm . . I finally went through the paper . . there was nothing in there. A bunch of jobs my H could take with his CDL but nothing for me.
UGH . . . I hate living in a little town!

I also tried to call my case worker lady at Domestic Relations . . but of course she wasn't in. I left a message and I'll probably have to call her back tomorrow. *rolls eyes* . . . I'm going to ask what all I need to bring . . and also ask about him not showing up and explain the whole sitch if necessary.

I guess I just figured divorce would stop the cycle because it would feel like closure. Not the kind I wanted. . . but at least some finality.
I guess I'm trying to talk myself into believing that if we got that peice of paper out of the way . . . it would miracliously free me.

[AmyC]

I my Dad has to go to the town that the DOT office is and he's going to stop in and see if you have to make an appointment to take your drivers test . . . and schedule one for me I think if you do.

THAT is exactly what I meant.
Good job!

Umm . . I finally went through the paper . . there was nothing in there. A bunch of jobs my H could take with his CDL but nothing for me.
UGH . . . I hate living in a little town!

Try Careerbuilder.com.
A lot of places don't post ads in the paper anymore.
It won't hurt to look.
There are other sites as well.

I also tried to call my case worker lady at Domestic Relations . . but of course she wasn't in. I left a message and I'll probably have to call her back tomorrow. *rolls eyes* . . . I'm going to ask what all I need to bring . . and also ask about him not showing up and explain the whole sitch if necessary.

Good.
Keep trying to reach her.
Remember?
The squeaky wheel gets the grease .

I guess I just figured divorce would stop the cycle because it would feel like closure. Not the kind I wanted. . . but at least some finality.

I know.
I'm sorry but you're still going to have a process to go through so you might as well go through the one you're already in...right?

I guess I'm trying to talk myself into believing that if we got that peice of paper out of the way . . . it would miracliously free me.

You're looking for a different kind of "free".

You're going to find it, too.
But not through divorce.