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I JUST FEEL SO LOST . . . and I don't know what to do.



What you have to do is stop obsessing about your H and start focusing on you. I know, it's easier said than done. You have to DETACH from all of this bullsh-t, Emily. What he does with the OW has nothing to do with you. Whether he calls or not has nothing to do with you. Stop owning HIS issues and work on the ones that ARE yours.

Believe me, I know it's hard. I have to remind myself every day of the need to detach. I have to tell myself every single hour sometimes that it isn't ABOUT ME. It's ABOUT HIM. You have to let your H go and do the things he needs to do, and that doesn't mean giving up on him or your marriage. I heard the phrase here recently that you have to give the WAS all of the rope you can -- so that they can hang themselves with it! Sometimes, it helps when I envision this re: my H. I am sad when my H doesn't call for days, or when he doesn't respond to a call for 24 hours or more...but rather than call him up and tell him what an a$$hole he is and how it's OVER, I just focus on other things and try to get through that horrible moment. And usually, after a good cry or venting to someone else, I feel okay and I can stand again...and leave him alone to figure out his own issues. And I believe that each day that goes by where I detach a little and give him all of the space he needs, I am showing my H that I respect his needs right now. Are you respecting his need to be away, Emily? Or are you so focused on how this whole situation makes YOU feel that you've lost sight of the pain that your H might be in?

Here's the thing, Emily. I do believe your H will be back. I believe he does want to work things out with you. But every time you show this insecure, immature, overreactionary side of yourself to him, he will retreat. And it sounds like the OW is not much better, so I bet he's feeling really trapped right now. Have you ever tried to really look at things from HIS perspective?