One of the things that I've found from my own sitch is that early on, my responses to H's thoughts/expressions were so negative and controlling that he no longer tells me what he thinks (leading to the "loss of self").
So much of it was driven by my own insecurity -- for example, if H. felt insecure or upset about something and mentioned it -- I'd get so caught up in my own crap that I'd respond badly, essentially encouraging him to hid his feelings from me. For example:
H. wow, my boss really yelled at me today ("I need support here")
Me: He yelled at you? Are you going to get fired ("Oh God, I've always been worried about our finances. We're going to be broke)
H: Well, I didn't do what he was mad about and I...("Why did she assume that I did something wrong?")
Me: Yah, but, does he know that? ("Arrgh. Did he defend himself? We're going to the poorhouse")
H. Um, never mind.
You get my drift. Unfortunately, so do I but a bit late! What I'm finding now is that if I just listen (and it's not always easy! Just screwed it up royally yesterday!) and manage my own stuff, H. is lots more forthcoming. I think that not being able to express fear, wants, etc. is a big part of "losing" yourself.
Sage
JJ
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What I'm finding now is that if I just listen (and it's not always easy! Just screwed it up royally yesterday!) and manage my own stuff, H. is lots more forthcoming. I think that not being able to express fear, wants, etc. is a big part of "losing" yourself.