First, I KNOW it sounds simplistic BUT the first thing you need to do each and every time you SEE or SPEAK to your H is to sound UPBEAT!!!!!
I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous considering the pain you're in, but I swear, THAT change in me made the FIRST change in my H.
When I stopped sounding like the world had come to an end, when there wasn't the constant whine in my voice, the depressed needy look on my face when he saw me, HE didn't feel so pressured to AVOID me.
We think that by wearing our heart on our sleeve, professing our undying love and willingness to forgive will somehow break through their current "cold heart" and melt them back into the loving man we married....BUT instead...it does the exact opposite.
Our desperation strengthens their resolve to be rid of us. In their MLC, they are focused solely on themselves, their own pain, the things they "think" will gratify them (OWs, new friends and adventures, FREEDOM) so when we cling...they run even harder and faster to get away from us.
They DON'T want to hear 'sound reasoning,' they don't want to take a trip down memory lane about your good years together as you recap the history of your marriage....because in MLC they convince themselves that it is ALL OF THAT that has made them so unhappy. So being 'reminded' of any of it does exactly the opposite of what you're hoping it will do.
Imagine you were at work one day, and one of your male coworkers, with whom you've known and gotten along well with for years, came up to you and said, "ILY please love me back, I can't go on without you"... Would you rush into his arms and run off into the sunset with him? NO of course not. You'd think, "What the the hell is wrong with this guy? I don't have any interest in him, I don't feel anything for him. I don't want him telling me he loves me! And you'd walk away quickly wondering what kind of pathetic guy would profess their love for someone YOU cared nothing about?" Well WE are that "casual Co-worker" to our Hs right now.
Our Hs have to convince themselves that everything about our lives together was a sham...otherwise, how could they live with what they're doing? Good men don't walk away from loving wives, good homes, happy families. So in order to be able to tell themselves that they're still 'good men' WE and our Ms have to become BAD so that they can justify the twisted decisions they're making in MLC. Sound arguments and facts being thrown at them by us, not only falls on deaf ears but becomes the hurtful bricks they hurl at us hoping to make us back off so they won't have to feel so guilty.
You have a long road ahead of you BUT you have the books and the support of friends on this board that will help you walk through it. AND you will survive this!!! T2
JJ
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