I almost started this post with "LMAO," because I did the same thing w/my condom stash when my W and I were beginning to separate. Except, it isn't really funny, is it? Also, do you feel that the fact you looked in the first place suggests that you may have doubts about there not being an OM? This is a hard question, I know, but one you probably need to think about.
The thing is, it doesn't matter whether or not there's an OM... if there isn't, fine. If there is, he's just a symptom of the problems you are having. He would not be the problem!
You want to know how to get past these two slips (actually, it was one slip and that generated the other)? Forgiveness. You need to forgive yourself, pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, and move forward as though nothing had happened.
By forgiveness, admit your weakness (the snooping), which brought on the pleading. Forgive yourself for it as you should forgive your W... by this, I mean make a pledge not to snoop and then move forward. Once something is forgiven, it cannot be used as a weapon or an excuse. It is a lesson learned.
Snooping is perhaps the most destructive thing you can do at this point. And by approaching your W of what you've learned, you've shown her that you do not trust her (obvious that you wouldn't, but not to her alien mind). That 1 to 10 rating was a "How am I doing?" plea; don't do that because it hurts your PMA and pushes your W for a response that right now, you really don't want to hear.
Repeat after me, "Is what I'm about to do going to bring us closer together?" If the answer's no, stop! Do not proceed.
Right now, you have an opportunity to be your W's friend--if she feels like talking about your R and M. If she does, listen, listen, listen. She won't want you to fix things (if she did, she wouldn't be talking about separation). Do not react to what she's telling you, except when you are unsure what it is she's trying to say. Then you can say something like "I understand that you are saying... blah blah... Is this correct?" This is known as mirroring, and it's an excellent way to assure your W that you do (no matter how painful) understand what she's telling you. This "listening without fixing" is what being a true friend is all about. I hope this makes some sense for you.
Don
JJ
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