I've found that the hardest part of "showing" her the changes is my perception of how the changes should affect our relationship. I find myself wanting to say, "Look at me. Look at what I've become. I can be the man you wanted all along. Why can't you see that." She can see it. Believe me, she notices. It makes her mad. It makes her mad because these changes didn't happen until way long after she wanted them to happen. She feels like I didn't think she was worth it until I had to do without her. Trying to get her to notice only makes her madder. But, believe me, she notices.
Once it kicks in that the changes are for real (and this is the hard part - it takes TIME), she may begin to trust that the relationship will go in the direction she wanted to begin with. Always keep in mind that these changes must be for you, not for her. If she thinks that they are temporary, an attempt to appease her until things are smooth again, we're just back where we started, waiting for this to happen all over again. We want our spouses back, but we also must want these changes for ourselves. That, or we must choose between our spouses and what we used to be. We can't have both.
I have made changes because I came to the realization that the way I treated my wife was not conducive to a healthy relationship. These changes are permanent, whether she returns or not. I have become a better person and do not wish to be the man I was before. Yes, I hope that these changes will help to save my marriage, but they are permanent in any event.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
