The more I read of your situation with your H, the more I think I wrote it myself! My W's affair was all about connection and communication with the OM that she said we didn't have. To top it off, the OM was (is) also married and going through his own rough martial times, so like your situation, my wife and the OM were "taking on the world" together--indeed powerful stuff. I was happy that after a few weeks after my W dropped the affair bomb on me that I was able to start learning what NEEDS of hers the OM was fulfilling that I was not. That was my starting place for my own 180--I needed to start fulfilling my wife's needs for intimacy (emotional), connection and communication. I slowlee tried to do those things for her as she would permit such interaction. That in addition to the other stuff that I was doing (see other threads). I too did not want our old marriage back, and similar to your situation, my W would tell me that she loved me, loved our marriage in general, but she just had this "something" that was being fulfilled elsewhere the she just didn't know if I could fulfill for her. Well guess what--I CAN! And so can you! So, if you can, try to pinpoint more and more what needs your H is missing from you, and devise a specific goal-oriented plan to start meeting them. It will need to be in very small ways at first, but you have a great opportunity since your H is interacting with you still. You have the opportunity to show him change. Don't tell him you are changing (talk is cheap); show him in all the little ways. And define your needs too, and when the time comes, you need to communicate what you need to him. I worry quite a bit that, similar to your situation, my W (even though home now--see today's new thread) will slide back to her relationship with the OM. That would kill me, but I've decided to stop worrying and the best way to keep that from happening is to fill the needs the OM filled for my W everyday myself. If I'm the kind of H she wants, then she has no incentive to leave me.
As to your specific issues--I think you need to try to be as strong as possible in front of your H and not cry, but hey--you are human. So if it happens, then it happens, and accept it and move forward with your plan. The DB techniques are not carved in stone. It can use some tweeking based on individual circumstances. For example, my W was always telling me that she loved me and missed me even though she was having an affair and left me. The DB techniques say that I should not tell her that I love her back. Well, that didn't feel right to me, and I wanted to reciprocate that feeling of love back to my wife. It worked for me. So, do what feels right.
Take care--Adam.
JJ
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