You ask a very interesting question. "How do I act like I am detaching during couple's therapy?" To me "detaching doesn't seem appropriate for couple's therapy and couple's therapy doesn't seem to fit with someone who is trying to detach.
It is important that you know what your goal is for therapy. What is your husband's goal for therapy (don't ask him)? What is your therapist's goal for therapy?
When I see couples who have the same goals, for example, to work on the marriage, I will usually see them together to work on joint goals. When a couple has opposite goals or very different goals, I see them individually. Then depending on what they want to do and are motivated to do or not do, I may continue to see them individually or just see the one who is more motivated and invested in doing whatever it takes.
It is important to know that real change can occur with just one person in the session. As Michele has said, we are very aware how other people affect us, but we are not very aware of how we affect other people. If we change how we respond and/or act, our partner or spouse will respond to our change.
I think it is important when someone wants to get their marriage on track that they ask the therapist right out if the therapist is pro-marriage and will support their efforts. Also, it is important that the therapist has a fair amount of experience getting marriages on track and working with just one person to do that.
I have not read your first thread so I apologize for that. I will tell you what I think from what you have said. You are the expert on you and your marriage, so you will have to determine if what I say fits for you.
First of all, before you say or do anything. You need to ask yourself, will what I am going to say or do pull my husband closer or peek his interest, push him away or be neutral. If his response will be neutral, don't spend too much time on that, spend the time on making yourself happy. If something will push him away, even if it makes sense to you, do not say or do it or things will continue to get worse. If something you say or do pulls him closer or peeks his interest, keep doing it. Stop and think about these concepts before you say or do anything. However, remember change is three steps forward, two back.
It sounds like you feel you need to be more upbeat. The best way to be attractive to your spouse is to be happy. I know what I am asking you to do may seem impossible, but it sounds like you are doing it already. How were you able to be upbeat and end the phone call first? Identify what and how you did it and keep doing it. You are doing other good things as well--writing in your journal and reading DB.
If you have determined to do the LRT in Chapter 6, of DR, remember the biggest part of LRT is to "Get a Life". That means no matter how hard it is, we develop a full life filled with family, friends, hobbies, activities, and interests that really do make us happy. We don't "pretend" we have a life, "we have one".
Also, it is very important to read, "Wait and Watch" step 3 of LRT. Sometimes we are so busy with our approach we fail to notice and respond appropriately to our spouse or partner.
Sometimes the LRT needs some slight adjustments for one's particular situation. That is where a DB coach or counselor can come in handy. Also, if you feel you need help in dealing with your own emotions or in becoming more upbeat, a counselor or DB coach can be helpful.
Best of luck in your journey. It will probably take more patience and hard work than you ever imagined. Take really good care of yourself even if it is hard!
Joann
JJ
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