I can see in your story that you really are a changed woman! It's wonderful that you were able to stay cool during all that happened. I'm completely new to all of this, so I'm treading carefully through this post. But here's my 2 cents.
I think that the fact that he came home and is still there tells you that he's thinking. And he has noticed the change in you. At the same time, I can understand his fear that you may go back to being the same angry person you were before. But this is where it takes time for both of you to adjust to the changes. At some level, most of us don't believe that people can change so quickly and that such a dramatic change can appear to be manipulative. I know that you are a NEW person...a different person, but it will take some time for him to start realizing that this isn't a trick to try to keep him.
I understand completely the feelings of alienation. My husband and I have been through that. And my approach to DBing has included knowing that I haven't always been good about letting him know that I love him. I hadn't been appreciative, etc. Was he feeding you a load of crap when he said it would be different if he had felt your love? I don't know. You do. You know your husband.
I'm beginning to see that we are at a new start in our relationship. I am a new person. And I feel like you are at that point too. You have a chance to start over again with him. His memories of you are of the old angry woman. Now you can form new memories. HE'S WATCHING YOU AND SEEING CHANGES IN YOU.
My overall impression is that he does want things to work out, but that he doesn't want it to be like it was before. You know that it won't be like it was before because you're different. I've read several times that he's said 6 months from now he doesn't want you to be angry again. Maybe it will take 6 months for him to see that this is real.
A few things that have been helpful for me:
1. Make a plan. This took me some time to realize how important this step is. What do you want? Where do you want your relationship to be? How will you know that your relationship is where you want it to be?
2. Then figure out what actions will help you reach those goals. Think back to things he's said to you. That was difficult for me because I had clouded a lot of what he had told me and just chalked it up to him not understanding me or whatever. What are you doing when you are getting along? For example, I realized that my husband I get along well and talk, etc. when we go out for a walk together in the evening. So I ask him to go for more walks.
With your recent experience with him, you've found at least one behavior that works: look at how he responded when he saw that you didn't get angry and behave like the old you would have.
Keep up with yourself. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself calm right now.
About the 180 being more warm to him, it has been working for me. I never pursued my husband. The pattern has been I get angry and he comes crawling to me. One of my 180s has been that I am more warm to him. But be careful with that; I've had to back off because I sense that I am becoming pushy. It's also easy to come on too strong...and he needs time to adjust. It's worth a try though. And if doesn't yield positive results, try something different.
One more thing, I have avoided all relationship talks. When we spend time together, it's to enjoy each other's company. Talking about the relationship is too much of a reminder that there was/is a strain. I've been recreating the friendship between us and changing my focus. In the process of developing the friendship, he gets the chance to see the changes and realize what he would be losing if he loses you.
All that said, Aly, give it time. Hang in there. I'm praying for you (and have been daily).
Alli
JJ
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