Read the Success Stories if you need inspiration. Be patient. This will take time...
Every situation is different. Even if all the success stories were about R's that came together after a D, there is no guarantee. The same goes for if they were all about R's coming together before D.
This is not about odds. This is about the amount of effort you put into it. Have hope, faith, trust and be ready to do the absolute impossible for her.
Don't focus on the end result right now. It's way too soon and will discourage you. Focus on accomplishing small goals. Focus on the baby steps. Focus on the Butterfly Effect. This is not going to happen overnight and may not even happen before the Big D. Unfortunately, the reality is that it may not happen at all and you have to be ready for that too.
That's why the first thing to do is to shift the focus to you and making yourself better. Once you do that, she will see the changes. That's when you'll start seeing the butterfly effect take hold. Where it will lead is unknown but you'll never know until you start applying the principles correctly.
I know you're DB'ing to save your marriage but you can't do that until you take a good look at yourself and change the things that can be improved. DB'ing is not about fooling your spouse into thinking that you changed. It's about really changing your behavior. You can't do that until you focus on you.
If you keep focusing on her and the end results rather than you and the small achievable goals just ahead, then it's not really DB'ing is it?
I know it's hard but that's the way it works. I know in my case, my attitude shifted when all this started. I went from wanting to "keep my wife" (as if she was a possession) to wanting "to be with my wife" (as a walk through life together).
That was a big shift in the perception of my marriage. It was no longer about a "need". It was about a "want". Once that happened, I was able to detach more and concentrate on what I needed to do, not what I wanted to happen. The needs and wants shifted from my marriage to myself.
At first, I needed to save my marriage and wanted to change. Now I want to save my marriage so I need to change.
Hang in there. I know it's rough and sometimes seems hopeless. It's not. But you gotta stick to the plan.
JJ
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