Awhile after I posted yesterday, WH did call- he sounded awful, said he had been sick since end of last week, and besides telling me about that (and probably wanting some "sympathy") he wanted to make sure there was enough in the checking account to cover checks clearing now, as he had not felt well enough to go to the bank. We talked briefly, but it was pleasant, friendly, even some laughs as he told me about his new dog chewing up a new shoe. Realized afterwards how much better I felt, how much anxiety had been lifted, and at least a tiny bit of hope that there might still be some hope.
Today, I woke up hoping for a good day- got some things done around the house, worked on job hunting, and then went for a manicure- my bday "treat" for myself. Wondered if WH would remember it was my birthday, was trying not to count on anything considering both our current circumstances and that he was also sick, and may have totally forgotten. Got home, and was getting ready to go out to dinner with friends when WH called. He said "Happy Birthday", and I thanked him. Then he said "he wanted to remind me about the meeting tomorrow", to which I said "what meeting ?" Found out the initial meeting with a court "facilitator" is scheduled for tomorrow morning, and he just now told me about it today ! Told him it was first he'd said about it, and at first he argued, trying to say he'd told me several times before, but then he backed off that, and I think what really happened was that he had not realized the date until just today, himself, but didn't want to admit that. I knew he had filed the initial paperwork at end of Aug. but we'd talked several times since then, still been friendly, and I hoped that he would change his mind and not proceed (he did same thing last year, but never went any further than the initial paperwork and the whole thing expired this past April). This time, however, he seems completely determined to do this and seems to have no doubt or regrets. Won't talk about it other than to repeatedly say "he doesn't want to be married", or "he wants to move on". Won't admit that his continuing affair is the reason. He seems to have put up a "wall" totally blocking any feelings, any sentimentalism, any thoughts of us at all, as though our many years together never even existed. I asked if he ever thought about all our good times, special memories, families, hard times we got through and all he would say was "doesn't think about it". Asked if he'd at least acknowledge that he did love me and we did have a happy marriage, even if he didn't feel that way right now, and all he'd say was "doesn't matter". I said it DID matter to me, so then, as if just to get me off the phone, he said "it did matter to him once, but didn't anymore". I also said "didn't he at least feel sorry, feel regret that things had ended up this way ?" His answer: "that's life". I am usually pretty good with words and can think "on my feet", but even I was at a total loss of words- just came up totally blank and didn't know anything else I could say. H was like a total stranger, cold and alien, and didn't seem to care a bit that he has destroyed me, our family, and our life.
Have cried for a long time tonight, just feeling like there is no hope left, and nothing more I can do. I truly loved my H, always tried to be supportive, helpful and kind, and put up with a lot; including his numerous job changes, some legal problems, family issues, financial ups and downs, his having depression/bipolar disorder, and most recently, his affair. Through it all I still loved him, believed in him, and believed in US. Was willing to forgive, admit and work on my own shortcomings too, and build a new, better marriage and have a "fresh start".
Called my counselor to see if I could get an appointment before my scheduled one next week- and fortunately got to talk to her a few minutes tonight. She's also got an open appointment tomorrow, so it'll help knowing I will see her then. In the meantime though, I've got to try to get some sleep before I have to go to this court meeting tomorrow, then have to try to get myself together enough for a job interview.
Just don't know how to even begin to deal with the loss of my husband. He, and our marriage were the most important things in the world to me, and I just feel lost and empty without them. Probably sounds silly when we've been living apart many months now, but I still felt a little bit of a connection and closeness to him, and still felt some "hope" which kept me going. I guess I still felt like "my" H was still in there, even as "alien" and affair-fogged as he's been, and that love, patience and faith would "win out" eventually. Instead, I guess he's chosen that he'd give it all up for a trashy, manipulative and controlling OW. Makes me feel lower than dirt to be "dumped" for that sleazy psycho. Know it's not really about "her", but she's been so nasty to me and made this a competition for my H. Have to hand it to her though, she's got him acting like a "puppet on her string".
I asked my counselor why WH would have to be so nasty to me, yell, have a temper tantrum and act so uncaring when he knows how upset, hurt and distraught I am about this. She can't be sure, but said it may be his own guilt, his way of blocking out all his own feelings if he does feel unsure, regrets or remorse, or his anger at what may be a lot of pressure to do this from OW. Know way to ever know for sure, but it would help me if I could just understand. I felt bad enough when I broke up with a boyfriend years ago, and always tried to be as sensitive and kind about it as I could, so I just don't understand acting like that.
Know I'm just venting here, and I'm sorry. I am at the feeling "numb" stage now, knowing today was one of the worst days of my life, and the worst birthday I could ever have. Tomorrow is sure to be right "up" there too, with having to go to this meeting. Prayers for me please. Slammed
