Hi Slammed, so sorry you find yourself in this place in your life.
I have read your whole thread....whew. Mine was very long too.
I am very new to all this (you can read my sitch) so I don't feel too worthy of giving any advise but, the one thing I see very clearly in you that is so similar to me is "Obsession". I too find it almost impossible to stop focussing all my attention on "what is she thinking", "what is she doing", "how is she feeling", "why did she say that", "why did she do this or that", "is she with him right now", "how does she feel toward me", etc. It is unnending stream of useless, energy draining, defeating mental garble.
We can't stop them from acting the way they do, we can't stop them from making the choices they make and we certainly can't stop them from leaving us.
All this hurts immensely but, what can we do? We can practice the theories and principles in Michele's books. The primary goal is of course to affect our situation to the end that we save our marriage. But, the principles are leading us to focus on our "SELF". Get healthy, GAL like there's no tomorrow (because there isn't one), see the mental "STOP" sign when you find youself giving your life energy to trying to figure HIM out and refocuss on you.
You have been grossly mistreated for a long time and simply put the message you are sending to your H is that YOU do not believe you are worthy of being treated with dignity and respect. How will he ever be challenged to treat you any better.
Sorry for being blunt but this is the sense I get from you sitch, same as me and I keep telling myself this over and over.
Maybe you could record here some things that you could look into doing, people you could reconnect with to start really GALing.
