Thank you so much for your reply, Spitfire. Having someone else look at our situation ,from "outside" is just what I need. I can see that we are "stuck" in the same pattern, just am not feeling like I have a very good idea of how to get "unstuck".
Yes, I probably have been too nice, thinking that being a loving, supportive and kind spouse would get through to H, when all it's seemed to do has made him think it's okay to continue doing what he wants and be disrespectful.
I hoped he would not file the paperwork, and thought he had not, based on his continuing to call and act friendly and nice during the week. He never said anything about it, but I saw on the court website Friday that he had filed. He doesn't know that I know about it, as we have not talked since (I suspect he's out of town with OW for weekend). I didn't want to talk to him, as I wanted to have time to think about this, change my attitude, and change my reaction and behavior.
My best guess is that H filed due to both pressure from OW and his being tired of his own ambivalence about this. I can only assume that he continues to call, and act "nice and friendly" after filing, either because he feels it lets him be less of a "bad guy", alleviates his guilt, that he thinks we will still be "friends", or because he wants to keep me hanging on in case it doesn't work out with OW. (or all of the above) He seems very content to just let it continue to be that way and stick to the same pattern.
I think you are right in that he's never really had to miss me. I think he truly feels that no matter what he says or does, he will be able to "win" me back if he wants to since he knows that I love him and have wanted to repair our life together and marriage. Thinking of it that way, really does make me feel like a "doormat" and I don't like it !
My thought was that I need to show him that his actions have consequences and that I am not going to just sit around, waiting forever for him to get his act together. Thought I needed to "call" him on the fact that he did file the paperwork, and put an end to the daily "chat" calls and acting friendly, since lying and cheating on your wife are not exactly "nice" or "friendly" behaviors ! Would like to give him a "taste" of what it'd be like if we do divorce, and force him to have OW take care of all his needs. If I can do this, I'd like to think it would be a "wake up call", and finally something that would change our pattern of relating and getting nowhere.
I thought about having a conversation next time he called that goes something like this: ME: I wondered if you had filed the paperwork ? H: Yes, you know that I was going to do so. ME: Well, it was just confusing to me that you still call nd act friendly and nice if that's the case. But since you have made that choice, there really isn't anything else to say, so I need to go. Goodbye (said in a calm, pleasant and quiet manner). Then I would not answer his calls, or call him for any reason. I do think this would clearly state the reason I am not calling or taking his calls, define the fact that he cannot continue his affair and file for divorce, but expect us to be "friends", and make him think about things, maybe even reconsider what he might be losing. Thoughts ? Slammed
