I am new here, but have read Michele's books and hope to find help to save my marriage before it's too late.
I apologize that this is long, but hope you will read it so you can give thoughts, feedback, and support. Background: I am 42, my husband 39. We have been married 8 years, together for 11. No kids, however H has two daughters from previous relationships. I have felt we have had a happy life together and marriage, although as with all relationships, there were hard times, "ups and downs" and some things I would like to have done differently or changed. My husband has always been a moody person with a "negative" outlook on life, while I was the upbeat, "positive" person. He was diagnosed with depression several years ago and went through a large number of medications, none of which helped much. He also has OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) which runs in his family. I always tried to be supportive about this, encouraged him to go to Dr., keep up with his meds, go to counseling, etc. hoping he could feel happier and more content, which would also help our relationship. In early 2005, I noticed that H seemed very discontent, with everything. He showed little interest in me, sex, doing any- thing, or talking about anything. Tried all I could to get him to talk about what was going on, but got anger, denials, or no reply at at all, which was very, very frustrating. I began to feel suspicious that he was spending all this time looking at porn, dating websites or maybe talking to women, something he had done some several years prior. Eventually his behavior became so bizarre that I began to wonder if he had a nervous breakdown or something similiar ! He would call and say he was on the way home, then take 3 hours to get home, went to a local "stripper" bar several times, would have odd receipts and cash in his wallet or briefcase with no explanation, drank more than usual, told stories that just didn't make sense, and got lots of odd calls at various times. He rarely used the home computer, but I did find some links to porn, strange websites and even "Hot Local Escorts", which made me wonder if he was even possibly using prostitutes-
Obviously, this was a very frustrating and difficult time, and my suspicions/his denials led to confrontations, arguing and fighting. H refused to talk about anything, wouldn't answer questions, resented my "snooping" or asking questions and things were very strained. By summer, H was very distant, rarely wanted to do anything, was gone alot, and I was sure he was involved with someone. One night I got into his cell phone to see his "contacts" and found several names of women I was not familiar with. I began checking our cell bill online and was horrified to see numerous calls to a variety of numbers, sometimes many in one day, and some at odd times of night. When I tracked the numbers, I found one to be an "Escort" service, and some to be unknown women. Called and talked to one, who said she had never met my H, but had talked to him on the phone, and that both were listed on a "dating" website. Of course, he hadn't told her he was married, had kids, etc..and she said she never wanted to talk to him again after finding out he had lied. I began to suspect she wasn't the only one, and that H might have also used some "Escort" services, which led me to wonder if he had some kind of "sexual addiction" or other issue. This was especially hurtful since we had originally had a good sex life, and I was always willing and interested - it was not a case where he could not have had sexual fulfillment at home. I asked about the dating sites, escorts, WHY he was doing these things, but he would only get angry, deny, blame me, or refuse to talk and leave . Then, in August 2005, H went away on a couple of weekends, telling me he had "business" but wouldn't say where,what, etc. He did not normally ever have business elsewhere, so I was sure he was going somewhere with someone. When I got a call from his credit card company trying to verify use of his card on one of those weekends, I found out he was in Las Vegas ! I was furious and devestated and at a loss of what to do. The following week H told me he was going to go out of town again and that he wanted me to sign divorce paperwork before he left. I was shocked, did not want to get divorced, and was not prepared to just sign paperwork on short notice, so refused. He had a "fit", cussing, ranting and raving, acting so strange it was scary. Finally, he called down, said he'd wait until he returned so I'd have a chance to talk to my counselor and a lawyer. I did talk to my counselor (who felt H had very serious emotional/mental issues) and a lawyer, who advised I might as well sign the papers since we are in a "no fault, no grounds" state where I can't do anything to keep divorce from happening if H pursues it. Plus the paperwork didn't mean you agreed, it was just "acknowledgement". Sadly I signed the papers, and left them on our office desk on the day H was to return home and pick them up.
Came home that day, expecting to see the papers gone and found them still there, on the desk, but some of H's clothes and belongings gone. When he called later I asked if he was going to come back home and he said "NO". Didn't say a word about the paperwork. For the next two months, H would call me often- acting friendly and nice, as though nothing had happened. He would stop by the house once in awhile to leave receipts, pick up his mail and a few more clothes or belongings, and he did continue to pay on our bills and expenses. He wouldn't , however, tell me where he was staying, or anything about what was going on, other than he "wanted to be on his own, alone, and doing his own thing".
On my birthday in early October, I came home to find a roses and a card on the table, from H. I was touched that he did remember, but SO confused by his behavior. Then, in mid Oct he came over for dinner and a little "birthday party" for our dog, something we did every year. After he left, and I was getting ready for bed I got a phone call from a woman who said "You don't know me, but my name is XX. I've been seeing your husband and wondered if you had a problem with that" !!! She went on to tell me that she had met H when she got online to try to make some friends before she moved here to our town from another state for her job, had spent hours talking, TM, and emailing with H, they had both flown to Las Vegas to finally meet, he had flown to her hometown to help her move here, and had immediately moved in with her. H had told her he had been in "a long, unhappy marriage, but had tried "so hard" to make it work, had been to marriage counseling, had been told we were "incompatible" and should divorce, that we had nothing in common, that we were seperated before they met, etc.... which was ALL LIES ! She also thought we were in the middle of a divorce, which also wasn't true, since H had never filed the paperwork. Found out H had told her all kinds of personal things about me, our life, all of which made him sound like the poor, suffering H and me being nothing but a lazy, whiny, nagging wife who contributed nothing to the relationship. Most hurtful of all, she said she had gotten pregnant and that H was very happy about it, but that she had then had a miscarriage. (H and I did not have kids because he did not want them). Hung up feeling numb, horrified, angry, but at least having the answers to many of the questions I'd had for so long. Within minutes, H called, FURIOUS that I'd talked to OW, wanting to know what I said, why I had talked to her, and saying 'HOW DARE" I have told her anything about us or him. I stayed calm, reminded him SHE had called me, and that I just coulnd't believe all I had just heard. He went on and on, cussing, mad, saying I had "broken the last bit of trust he had in me", that we'd never even be friends after this, etc. Next night, H called me , and in a calm manner asked about several things I'd said, or OW had said. I quickly realized OW was listening, and apparently prompting him on what to say, apparently trying to make him "prove" he hadn't lied. I said I heard her there, wasn't about to play their sick game, didn't want anything to do with them, and didn't appreciate his W*&@e calling me. She then got on the phone, tried to defend herself, said she was just trying to get the truth from him. I felt like she was trying to portray the "poor victim", who had gotten herself into a big mess and actually did feel sorry for her to some degree, thinking she had no idea what she was getting involved with, but also felt suspicious of the way she kept trying to get "dirt" on H and felt like she was trying to convince me that I should not be willing to take him back or want to be with him.
Next night, OW called me, saying she wanted to "warn" me that she had kicked H out of her house, and that he'd likely be wanting to come back home. Said they were fighting about him getting his things from her house, and that she had threatened to call the police on him. Seemed like she was very intent on making sure she thought he might be seeing even another woman, and wanted to know if I would take him back or still loved him, which was odd. I was very guarded with what I said, realizing she was NOT my friend, and not someone I wanted to deal with. H did call later, said HE had broken up with OW, and asked if he could stay the night at our house. He did, but stayed in the guest room. Asked me to meet for lunch the next day and revealed that he had filed the divorce paperwork the previous day, because "he had been angry that I had talked to OW, had betrayed his trust, and basically out of spite, but that we could cancel the paperwork, at any time". He said he was unhappy and discontent in our marriage, and had a lot of issues to work on, didn't want to move back home so was goin to rent a place for himself, but that maybe we could talk and spend some time together to "see how it would go". Over the next couple of weeks, we did do go out to eat, talk alot, run some errands, and spent time together, which I thought went well. I found out that some of things OW had told me had not been honest either, and told him the thing that hurt worse was about the pregnancy and his being happy about it, to which he said he had NOT been happy about it at all, and that she did not have a miscarriage, but an abortion. Both had told me that they had fought and argued all the time, he had often slept on the couch, and they actually seemed to have little in common, so I hoped that the brief affair was over and we could work on repairing our marriage. Unfortunately, within a couple of weeks, H was again distant, and I realized he was back to seeing her. We went back to our same pattern of his calling every few days to "touch base", ask about the dog, get his mail, etc.
Fall, formally both our favorite seasons, was a painful and lonely time, and I dreaded spending a major holiday, like Thanksgiving alone, while he was going to be with OW. I was invited to a friend's house, but it was a hard day. The night before we had to attend a mandatory conference with a "facilitator" (first step in divorce process), H and I met to eat and talk. He indicated he wasn't so sure about what to do, but had felt discontent and unhappy with me and our marriage for a long time, didn't know if things could change, and thought maybe "too much had happened" for us to get back together. Said he wanted to go to the meeting, but wasn't sure he wanted to go through with divorce. We went next day, asked some questions, and both told the facilitator that we were considering reconciliation, which made me feel much more hopeful. Went through the next month though, with nothing changing. I'd ocassionally hear from H, would sometimes try to talk to him about us, my belif we could change and have a fresh new start, other times would not talk about R at all, but just try to show that we could get along, have fun together still. It was very, very difficult to face the Christmas season alone, but I did my best, planned to just have a small-scale celebration with my parents and friends, and tried not to think of WH spending the season with OW. A few days before Christmas, H came to the house while I was at work and left gifts for me and the dog under our tree, so I knew that he was not planning to spend the day with us, which was very hurtful. Came home from Christmas Eve church feeling sad and heartbroken, and went to bed hoping to just get through the day, then got a call in the middle of the night from H- he had been stopped and arrested for drunk driving, coming home from a nearby gambling town in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, was with OW, and needed a ride. He had called me for lack of anyone else to call- H has no family here and really has no friends. I did pick him up, had some unpleasant words with OW who was very patronizing to me. H was in bad shape, with the worst depression and anxiety I'd know him to have, also as he had gotten DUI before, was scared and knew the legal consequences were going to be bad.
In the days that followed, H called, stopped by, and really seemed to have come out of the "fog" he'd been in as far as the affair and the OW. He was remorseful, humble, apologetic and indicated he knew he had really "messed up". He realized he needed help and had me go with him to a counseling appt, then a psychiatrist appt after she referred him there. He was diagnosed as not having "just" depression, but with actually having bipolar disorder, something I had suspected for a long time, but that H had not wanted to hear. He was put on new meds which began to help right away. H also began to spend time at home, talked more openly, said he wanted our life and marriage again, and said he was breaking it off with OW. I realized his breaking it off was going to be difficult and was prepared for it to be gradual, rather than "cold turkey", but it was very frustrating that OW continued to call his cell phone, our phone, and kept coming up with excuses that she needed to talk to him, needed him to help with something at her house, etc. H knew I was very frustrated, but continued to reassure me that he loved me, wanted US back, was ending it with her, just felt sorry for her since she didn't know anyone here, didn't want anyone to be hurt, etc. H moved back home at end of January and we celebrated our 8th anniversary early in Feb. Unfortunately, the "antics" of OW continued, with her calling often, leaving nasty messages for me, us having a big confrontation on the phone and then by her sending a packet to me, which contained all the "love notes and letters" H had sent her, plus some very graphic photos of the two of them. I realized she was a very desperate, manipulative, controlling and insecure person and cautioned H about her. LAter in Feb. we went on a trip to Las Vegas, and I had a wonderful time, however, OW called constantly (13 times in 4 hours on one morning) which was a big damper. I was angry with her, but also realized I did not know what H was really telling her, and that it might be leading to her behavior. I began to suspect he had not truly broken it off, but was "playing" both of us. Within a week of getting home, I found this was definitely the case, as I overheard a phone call where OW was telling H that "she couldn't be involved with him as long as he had any involvement with anyone else, and "that if he loved her and wanted to marry her, he'd have to prove himself". H sounded like a total "wimp" as he told her he'd "get right on the divorce", "would prove himself", "would be an open book of honesty", and basically promised her the moon if she'd take him back. I was devestated again. H denied he was back with her, but I knew and wasn't fooled by his excuses and absences. I didn't nag, question, snoop or confront, but did all I could to try to show myself and us in a "good light". The following month, he moved out and into a house that he had bought as an investment last year and recently renovated leaving me and the dog at our home. He took his personal belongings,some of his clothes, and some of our furniture, but didn't want any of our dishes, utensils, bedding, linen, etc., apparently wanting all new stuff "of his own".
Again, we returned to the same pattern- H would call me every few days, act friendly, ask about the dog, house, etc but avoided talking about R or his continuing affair. He continued to pay on the household bills and expenses. About this same time, the divorce paperwork "expired", as we'd never submitted the required financial disclosures or any kind of settlement proposal. I didn't know if he even realized it then found out he had submitted a request for an extension. This too, expired, and the whole case was dismissed and closed by end of April 06.
In mid April, I had called H's house to pass on a phone message, and OW answered the phone ! I called his cell and she anwered that too, and I began to wonder if she was now staying with WH. Next time we talked, I asked and he said she was staying with him, "temporarily" while she was looking for a new place of her own. H began to push me about selling our house, saying he didn't want to keep paying towards our bills and expenses, however I reminded him I could not afford the house and expenses alone and had not made these debts and obligations on my own and he backed off. I assumed his budget was stretched pretty tight paying on our joint items, as well as all the bills he had racked up on the other house and keeping an OW. He also had expenses for a lawyer, fines, alcohol classes and community service for the DUI he received, and had to spend 45 days this summer working for the Parks and Rec dept. in the neighboring county where he was stopped. H would deny it, but I knew OW was having to drive him there each day.
In early July, H called one night and asked if I might be able to give him a ride up to his Comm. Service the next day. I said I would do it, given enough notice and with enough time I could get to my job on time afterwards, but he ended up not needing the ride after all. The following week, he called again, there, but needing a ride home and then both ways for several days after that. I asked what had happened with his ride, and he said that he and OW were fighting, she was moving out, and that they were breaking up. Given their history of frequent fighting, "drama", and several previous "breakups" that didn't last, I didn't want to get my hopes up on this and just gave him a ride to be nice. About the same time, I lost my job, so giving him a ride gave me something to do, and I hoped it would again be a chance to show him we got along, enjoyed each other's company and could work things out, IF he would finally end it with OW. I helped him out for a couple of weeks, until he had finished his required service, at beginning of Aug.
For a few weeks, H and I talked more often, met for dinner once a week, got along, laughed, and had a nice time, as we always did together, and I thought maybe, FINALLY, the affair had ended. OW moved out east of town in an area that allows horses (she has horses and dogs) which is a long way across town from H's house, which I also thought might be a deterrent, especially since H has lost his license for a year ! However, once again, it appears that the "break up" was short-lived and the addiction, obsession, or whatever it is that keeps them going back to each other kept them in contact. From her behavior and things that both OW and H has said, it appears to me that OW is a very insecure, controlling and manipulative person and I believe she has, several times, put an "ultimatum" on H in order to lure him back to their affair and her. Another very strange behavior of hers is calling on the phone. Through out their entire affair, OW has called out house periodically. Sometimes she called from H's phone (maybe thinking I would think it as him and pick up), sometimes with her number blocked (which I don't answer any unidentified calls), and more recently, from her new place, which shows her name but not the number. After a couple of very unpleasant conversations with her, I have no desire to talk to her and won't answer her calls, but I do wonder WHY she calls here- if she is wanting to taunt and insult me again, trying to get more "dirt" or check the facts on H, wanting to find out if he is telling her the truth, or see if I am home or possibly out with him ? Pretty pathetic when you have to call the WIFE of your married boyfriend to check up on him !!? It appears that the number and frequency of these calls increases whenever they are fighting or having some kind of drama !
H, who normally had been a level-headed, disciplined person acts like a puppet on a string when it comes to her, and seems to act powerless to put an end to this pattern or see through her games, or what she really is. I just don't understand, how this all got started, and why it continues, when both say they have little in common, each knows the other is a liar, and they fight, argue, and constantly break up ???!!! H still just says "he wants to be alone, on his own, do his own thing" and that it has nothing to do with OW, and is not willing to make any effort at the marriage. I have done all the pleading, begging, tried to "make a case" to remind him of our vows, history, good times, trips, families, future plans, etc. I have asked him to go to counseling to work on changing the things that made us both unhappy or discontent, but he says he isn't interested. We do both go to individual counseling however- mine to work on dealing with this and my own issues, and his for his bipolar and court ordered alcohol classes. I have tried to "back off", rarely calling him, acting kind polite and friendly, but not overly so, trying to go on with my own life and activities, such as in the "180 degree" plan but with us living seperately there hasn't been much change for him to see any of this and it hasn't seemed effective. I still love H, he has recently said he still loves me, but "not like you need to be for marriage", we still get along, and I believe this would be entirely "repairable" if ever the affair would end. I hoped to be able to "wait it out" believing it would eventually self-destruct, and that then H would be interested in me and our life again. However, had a bad development in the past couple of weeks. H again began talking about doing divorce paperwork, and brought it to me, asking me to sign it, about two weeks ago. I said I did not want us to do this, that I believed things could change and we could create a new, fresh marriage that would be happy and satisfying to us both, if he would just end the affair. Of course, he said his usual "speel", that "it has nothing to do with that, he just wants to be alone and on his own". I had a job interview the next day, then went out of town for a few days on a mini-vacation, and did talk to H during that time, with nothing further said, so I hoped I'd get back and he would have changed his mind. Instead however, he still pushed about it, and said if I wouldn't sign the acknowledgement he'd just do it and have me "served". I said I needed a little time to think about it, so he agreed to wait over last weekend. I was then very surprised when he called me, three times, last Saturday. Didn't seem to want anything, just general "chat", asking about our dog, my job hunt, etc. He was calling from his house and called in the morning, afternoon, and evening so it appeared he was just home all day, and not with OW. I wondered if things had fallen through, especially when he called the next day, last Sun. and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch. We did, and it was pleasant. However, he then called Monday, still wanting the paperwork. I just don't GET IT with him and his behavior !!!??? Finally, I signed it, knowing he'd keep bugging about it, and feeling there was nothing else I could do. He picked it up and rushed off, not wanting to have to talk about anything, I'm sure. The following day, he called with a question about our health insurance, we talked briefly, and I emailed him a reply with the details he needed. Wed. he called in the evening, apparently just to "chat", acting friendly and nice, and not a word about the papers. Thurs. night he called while I was out, and didn't leave a message. Friday, he called, asked about where I had been the previous night, was friendly and pleasant, and again, not a word said about the paperwork. I thought perhaps he had changed his mind, or at least was waiting until I find a job, which I had mentioned, however I later looked at the website for the courts, and saw that he did file the paperwork, on Tuesday, the day after he had picked it up from me. I felt heartbroken, and just still stumped over his behavior- not telling me he had filed,but still calling and acting friendly and nice ??????!!!!
I believe he has gone out of town for the weekend, with OW. Made me wonder if her latest ultimatum to get back together was that he had to file the paperwork and that was why he was home alone last weekend, but perhaps with her, having a "romantic, reconciliation" this weekend ?
I can see that we both have continued in the same patterns of behavior for all this time, and I have certainly followed the predictable pattern of acting desperate, crying, begging and pleading with H to "see the light", none of which has worked. It feels frustrating to see that OW's games and ultimatums seem to get response and action from him, when I can't get anything to change and I'd like to change that. I realize I've been doing "more of the same", which just isn't working. I realize these have been "cheeseless" tunnels, keeping us stuck in the same cycle. I would like to change the cycle, dynamics, and pattern by changing my reaction to H, and my behavior, just don't know what and how to do this ??
So far, my best "guess" is that H is still caught up in the "drama" of the breakup/makeup, addiction, sex, or whatever the attraction of OW is. He may know it isn't really going to work out based on their history, but is stuck in that pattern too. In the meantime, to appease her, he files the divorce paperwork, thinking he can cancel it or let it just expire again, if it doesn't work out with her, and he thinks by still being friendly and nice with me, that I'll keep hanging on, still love him and be willing to take him back when it all falls through. Does this sound logical, based on all the happenings, or is it me wishful thinking ?
Previously, when in the same circumstances as now, I was still friendly, polite, willing to talk and see him, and he was content to just leave it that way, throwing me a few crumbs sometimes to keep my hanging. I am thinking that the only way for me to change this, do a "180", and break the pattern, is for me to not have much to say, not get together with him, not make any R talk, and make him WONDER if I do still care, would still take him back, or if I've finally had enough. ??? Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions on how to break this pattern, not do the same thing, force a change of dynamic ? Thanks, Slammed
