For me, it might be that I need to help my W to feel understood and listen. To be honest when I am going off to my cave and when she crosses a boundary of mine. This seems to have been working so far. For you (dare I say), you might need to find ways to make your H feel significant - to avoid the "home improvement committee" thing (Cat, are you reading?? )- I know in my M/R, it bothered me that my W was critique every thing I did. Problem was I surpressed.
Hummmmmm... Sven, how much of all this does your wife realize and agree with? Does she talk about making any self-discoveries? I'm curious about how much other spouses who have had affairs realize. I read about some who report learning a huge amount about themselves and others who seem to want to suppress it. I wonder if most want to do the later.
I think my husband must need to felt listened to and understood just like your wife. Do you do a lot of repeating what she says? I'm pretty good about not criticising or trying to improve my husband. I've always sort of accepted him the way he is. When I was younger I might have done it a little, but the older I get the more patient and accepting I become. I think I'm more patient and accepting that most. I'm hardest on me. I expect much more out of myself than others.
One area I know I have a problem in is I'll give a great deal in a relationship and if I don't feel anything back I might start to pull away. My husband is not a lovey, emotive sort of person. It's hard for me to give and give and give without feeling like I'm getting any love or attention back. My husband is a very busy person. On one hand he'd resent me if I didn't support his hobbies, on the other he seems to think I don't give him enough attention. I feel there are a lot of Catch-22 situations for me. Either way I lose.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
)- I know in my M/R, it bothered me that my W was critique every thing I did. Problem was I surpressed.