Running, sorry if we are stealing your thread a bit here...
Cat - I'LL NEVER TELL
Matilda, I don't have an easy answer for that one. I'll tell you what I have seen and done however. Part of me really retreated to the cave when WAW would "hound" me about what was bothering me. Looking back, I was like a hermit crab squeezing back into its shell. I realise that was very threatening to WAW - I can still hear the ring of "is it me?", "did I do something" (answer was no - it was the toilet that I needed to unclog, plus the project at work, plus the screaming child, plus the .... you get the idea).
I really put this together when I read Mars/Venus, FMO and FWO. Part of my GAL was to get back in shape (best of my life baby!) and I started running on the treadmill. While doing so, I found that I was able to quickly sort problems out and clear my head, this made me a better listener and I would spend less time in the cave. Somewhere around the same time, I also started to recognize when I was going into the cave. BTW, I've communicated the whole cave concept to WAW and a lightbulb went off for her too. At that point I started saying heck with it and now I TELL her that I need some time (cave) but that it is (or WE are) are okay - I just need to sort things out. I did this two weekends ago and the response was GREAT. She was relieved that I was HONEST about where I was and I know it relieved some of her anxiety. At least this is what I am seeing.
I think then, I feel loved by the simple understanding that I need that time to process my sh-t. And a comment back like, I'll be here when you are ready to come out was good enough for me to feel loved - or that she reached out to hold my hand when we got out of the car to go off and do what we were going to do.
Lastly, it allows me to continue to control MY frame, my life without criticism. She still does it from time to time, but I have an awareness about it and almost understand that she has little control over it. So long as it doesn't cross a boundary for me, I'll let it slide off - if it does, I call her on it.
I hope this makes some sort of sense...
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
