Strange way to find comradery, don't you think? Trust me, my sanity too has been challenged by plenty of folks. I think you might be onto something with :
Quote: I don't take it personally. I almost see it like someone who has an addiction problem. Like the affairs were feeding some problem inside him.
Once I got myself back "together" after the bomb, this is where my head started to go as well. I started to realise that it was as much (if not MORE) about them and their problems - their need to "escape" somehow. My WAW's affairs were similar too in that both OM's were high school, blue collar folks that could NO way give them the standard of living that I have provided for my family. DON'T ANYBODY take that the wrong way - I'm not judging in any way. But, they gave WAW a person she could easily empathize with and they were people that live "by the seat of their pants". Pretty exciting compared to me as I was a year ago. More so when we were dating, I was that guy - living day to day, week to week.
Anyway, I think she felt "understood". Reading DR (for myself and what I needed to change in ME) and coupled with reading Mars/Venus, FMO, FWO and other fine works I won't mention here, I came to realise that *I* can be that guy, balanced with the responsible adult that I should be.
I saw that all WAW wanted was to be "understood", listened too, and funny enough, put in place when she was out of control. Since my self worth sucked, I feared going head to head with her - fear that she would throw me out (FUNNY now) and she would further not fulfill what I needed - to feel significant in some way (more on that in a minute). It ends up being a lot to juggle and it takes a lot of work, but we're fixing something here, right?
I mention the "significance" thing to you because I know that I did not feel that my W gave any of this to me. I felt criticized in everything I did - with an occasional "attaboy". Instead of having an affair with another woman, I had an affair with work. Climbed the corporate ladder to the top only to find nobody was there. Won't make that mistake again. It has so profoundly affected me, that I have even told my boss that when this is not longer fun, I'm moving on. Crazy.
Sooooo, I am glad you are hear to bounce things off of and we might be able to give opposing perspectives - that is good. For me, it might be that I need to help my W to feel understood and listen. To be honest when I am going off to my cave and when she crosses a boundary of mine. This seems to have been working so far. For you (dare I say), you might need to find ways to make your H feel significant - to avoid the "home improvement committee" thing (Cat, are you reading?? )- I know in my M/R, it bothered me that my W was critique every thing I did. Problem was I surpressed.
Just some random thoughts on a bleary New England day....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
)- I know in my M/R, it bothered me that my W was critique every thing I did. Problem was I surpressed.