This is probably going to sound weird, but it's nice to meet another person married to another two-time offender. I don't feel so alone here, or like I'm the only "nut" staying with someone who would do this more than once (at least that's how I feel other people who've never been through anything like this must perceive me as).
Although, I've found the second time weirdly easier to accept. I don't take it personally. I almost see it like someone who has an addiction problem. Like the affairs were feeding some problem inside him. I also think it's really interesting how my husband's affairs were so similar. Both were married women at work and short-term. They started by sharing problems (someone that he felt listened to him) and evolved into mildly physical stuff (although I'm not sure how far the second one went physically, but my guess is it was more than mild and that's why he filed for divorce. That part does irritate me because a darn prostitude would have been a heck of a lot cheaper!!!!).
Anyhow, I haven't read "His Needs, Her Needs." I've got one of Dr. Phil's relationship books, one of the Venus and Mars books, Dr. Laura's book and just stack of other stuff. I should probably just write my own book here!
If you come across any pearls of wisdom please share!
Here's some interesting facts from the "Not 'Just Friends'" book:
Assumption: Affairs happen in unhappy or unloving marriages. FACT: Affairs can happen in good marriages. They are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries.
Assumption: Affairs occur because of sexual attraction. FACT: The lure is how the unfaithful partner is mirrored back though the adoring eyes of the affair partner. Another appeal is that individuals experience new roles and opportunities for growth in new relationships.
Assumption: Cheating partners almost always leaves clues, so naive spouse must be burying his or her head in the sand. FACT: The majority of affairs are never detected. Some people can compartmentalize their lives or are such brillant liars their partner never finds out.
Assumption: The person having an affair isn't "getting enough" at home. FACT: The truth is the unfaithful partner may not be giving enough. In fact, the spouse that gives too little is at greater risk than the spuse who gives too much because he or she is less invested.
Another interesting thing from the book. The author uses the image of walls and windows to symbolize the levels of emotional intimacy within the marriage and within the affair. She writes that you can only have intimacy in your relationship when you are honest and open about the significant things in your life.
When you withhold information and keep secrets you create walls that act as barriers to the free flow of thoughts and feelings that invigorate your relationship.
In an affair the unfaithful partner has built a wall to shut out the marriage partner and has opened a window to let in the affair partner. To reestablish a marriage that is intimate and trusting after an affair, the walls and windows must be reconstructed to conform to the safety code and keep the structure of the marriage sound so that it can withstand the test of time. You install a picture window between you and your marriage partner and construct a solid or opaque wall to block out contact with the affair partner. This arrangement of walls and windows nurtures the marriage and protects it. To be healthy, every relationship needs this safety code.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
