I can understand how knowing certain things can make you feel worse. Like it really bothers me that my H and the recent OW went to Disneyland together and now when I see Disneyland stuff it makes me think of them there and that REALLY bothers me.

But then, I have to admit, with the first affair (about 11 years ago) I was much more obsessive and upset about the details. This time, weirdly, it doesn't seem to bother me so much. I'm not sure why.

Since I seem to be handling the whole thing much calmer, I've tried to figure out what answers might actually be helpful. Like one thing I really want to know. What was the biggest draw? Was it the excitement of the situation? Was it something specifically that made him feel good? Did she give admiration? Support? Was it purely physical attraction? What was he seeking? In comparing the situaition, what were we lacking at that time? How could the marriage provide whatever it was that drew him into the affair?

Of course, I haven't really asked all these questions yet. I figure little by little, and when we're both ready. It will probably take time.

I did a lot of snooping too (hired a private investigator!!!). One of my problems is that I like to know every detail about everything. I'm very information driven. Eventually I want to know a lot more about the affair but I have to be very careful about this. I don't want to get hurt or cause him to clam up. With my particular sitch, to avoid future affairs, I need to get my husband comfortable enough that he can talk with me about anything and trust me with his secrets. I want my marriage to have more emotional intimacy.

There are other interesting things in the book. I'll try to post more!

There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.