Where is your divorce now? Did you both put it on-hold or end it? Did you spend a huge amount of money on this whole thing as well? That part really bothers me because we could have had some awesome vacations with that money.
I have to recommend a good book for you, I think it's called "Getting Back Together" and it talks about the positives of separation (healing, learning, a chance to start over, etc...).
One of the concepts in this book that I think would be applicable to you is that it talks about how important it is not to get back together too soon. It's important to really learn and grow through the separation... and it does sound to me like your husband may have learned a great deal. (Like maybe that the grass really isn't greener on the other side! That's an important lesson).
I know what you mean about wanting 100% committment. I've been asking for the same thing. (At the very least I'd like a 6 year commitment.... until the youngest is 18). But a good friend pointed out something to me today. We really never have 100% ever. Any marriage could end at any time. Any relationship we start with someone else is not 100% certain either.
I think one nice thing about starting again after a 19 month separation is that you can't possibly have the same relationship. It's a new one. I think the longer the separation, the better chance you have of changing negative patterns.
LiveAndLearn, please post on this thread anytime, ask questions, share info, etc...
It definitely helps knowing I'm not the only one struggling with these issues.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I hadn't looked at it that way, but it makes sense. I can see how wanting something because it's familar isn't a negative thing. Things that are familar feel right and are dear to us.
"home is wherever my wife is."
That really is a lovely sentiment.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Where is your divorce now? Did you both put it on-hold or end it? Did you spend a huge amount of money on this whole thing as well?
The divorce is on hold. Eventually the courts will dismiss it if H or I don't move forward with it. Actually, the papers were drawn up rather cheap and just a filing fee. No lawyers involved and we were to agree with the papers.
Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll be sure to check it out.
Does your H know he can count on you at the drop of a hat and know that you will be there for him, but when you ask for something he can't come through for you? If so, how do you handle that?
In my sitch, if I tell H that I can't do something for him, he will get a little tiffed at me, like a spoiled kid. 9 times out of 10 I'm there for him.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
How long does it take for the courts to dismiss it? I think here it's a year if it's put on hold(?). I'm glad to learn you haven't lost a great deal of money. So far we've spent almost 10K on attorney fees (the retainer, etc...) and additional money on two households (he moved out into an apartment in March).
I was talking with a woman the other day who fired her first attorney because he cost her $150K. This guy happens to be my close friend's lawyer and she's quite concerned about this.
Yes, I think my husband knows he can count on me. I'm the type of person who's always there for anyone. I often go out of my way for others. My husband is typically not as generous in this area as I. Particularly with friends and even other family members. But I have to say, now that he's not angry with me he's become very helpful and supportive. When my car broke down he let me borrow his truck and then bought me a new car. I think he's really trying.
Probably the more difficult part for me is all the ugly and mean things he said and did to me around the split. That's the stuff that sometimes haunts me. However, this is all still relatively recent (Feb/Mar/April) so I probably need to expect it's going to take time to recover from that. Do you ever experience these similar feelings and memories?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Probably the more difficult part for me is all the ugly and mean things he said and did to me around the split. That's the stuff that sometimes haunts me. However, this is all still relatively recent (Feb/Mar/April) so I probably need to expect it's going to take time to recover from that. Do you ever experience these similar feelings and memories?
Yes I do. There are times when I think that I've forgiven him and can move forward with him but then there are days I'm haunted by his feelings and interaction he had with OW. Even though they are no longer together, it still hurts.
I was talking with a woman the other day who fired her first attorney because he cost her $150K
Wow!
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Hey, want to share something kind of interesting from the "Not Only Friend's" book. I think many of us here (including me!), have questions about the OP and sometimes it's uncomfortable to ask them... well one idea from the book is filling out the questions on small pieces of paper which you fold up. These papers are then put into a fishbowl and every so often, when the spouse feels comfortable with this, they can pull out a piece of paper and answer a question. If they are uncomfortable with that question they can put it back in and take out another. Eventually (hopefully) all the questions get answered. In the example cited in the book, the spouse eventally one day decided to go through all of the questions and answer them.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
hmmmm, as much as I'd want more questions to be answered, they really don't help, they just lead to more questions and more anger on my part, ei: I wanted to know where he went w/her for Christmas --found out he used an online place to buy 100$ tickets to somewhere Wanted to know where they went exactly --found out they went to see ballet "the nutcracker"
Do I feel any better? NO, I get sick when I hear anything ballet or nutcracker related. It also keeps the affair fresh and doesn't give either of us the chance to forget. So the bulk of my questions were somewhat answered during a few terrible arguments. It always set us back, any progress we made it ruined it.
I was one terrible snooper, and each new tidbit would just sicken me more (I'm pretty sure he bought the same shampoo for her that I use, now I hate that brand) So pretty much the more info you get the worse it is.
My H did say "im not ready to talk about the A yet" so I asked him "so when will you be?" and he's like "I don't know, I want to forget all about it" soooooooo, he is just going to bring it up and maybe it is better this way.
I'm all for posting what we learn from books, so please if you have any other info put it up. I did get "embracing each other" but didnt' like it, too much psychologic linguo, lots of inner child talks, didnt' care much for it, on the look for a better one.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I can understand how knowing certain things can make you feel worse. Like it really bothers me that my H and the recent OW went to Disneyland together and now when I see Disneyland stuff it makes me think of them there and that REALLY bothers me.
But then, I have to admit, with the first affair (about 11 years ago) I was much more obsessive and upset about the details. This time, weirdly, it doesn't seem to bother me so much. I'm not sure why.
Since I seem to be handling the whole thing much calmer, I've tried to figure out what answers might actually be helpful. Like one thing I really want to know. What was the biggest draw? Was it the excitement of the situation? Was it something specifically that made him feel good? Did she give admiration? Support? Was it purely physical attraction? What was he seeking? In comparing the situaition, what were we lacking at that time? How could the marriage provide whatever it was that drew him into the affair?
Of course, I haven't really asked all these questions yet. I figure little by little, and when we're both ready. It will probably take time.
I did a lot of snooping too (hired a private investigator!!!). One of my problems is that I like to know every detail about everything. I'm very information driven. Eventually I want to know a lot more about the affair but I have to be very careful about this. I don't want to get hurt or cause him to clam up. With my particular sitch, to avoid future affairs, I need to get my husband comfortable enough that he can talk with me about anything and trust me with his secrets. I want my marriage to have more emotional intimacy.
There are other interesting things in the book. I'll try to post more!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I'm just reading your thread (Runningoutoftime, do you have a couple threads going or am I imagining that?) and want to check on authors of books so I know I have the correct ones. Getting Back Together and Not Only Friends. I get confused when I get to the library. I just picked up After The Affair by Janis Spring. Know anything about it?
Yes, I have another thread on separated. I'm very slowly moving over here (hopeful thinking?) since my husband spends a lot of time with me and the kids and has been talking more and more about reconciliation.
The books I've mentioned are... and I just pulled them out ..."Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass and I believe the other is "Getting Back Together" by Bilicki and Goetz. I read "After the Affair" about 10 years ago (after my husband's first affair!!! I should probably reread it).
I REALLY like the Friends book. It's thick and filled with a lot of interesting research based information. Michele Weiner-Davis (DB and DR author) is even quoted on the front of it. The other book is very good too. I have numerous other books as well that I'm reading (like "Surviving Your Husband's Midlife Crisis").
I'll try and pull out some gems of wisdom from the Friends book and share them here.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
