Wow! You sound very strong to me. I think these long-term marriages with affairs are very hard. It's difficult to let go because there's so many years of love, life and connection, but then it's hard to stay together because it's frightening to imagine it could happen again.
Do you have children?
I don't know if my husband is still in touch with OW or not. I don't think he is, but there always could be emails and when he's out of town he could potentially visit her. Trust really is a difficult issue and it's something I've thought a lot about. What I finally concluded was that even if I can't trust him regarding her, or individual situations, I'd have to ultimately trust my husband to eventually figure out what was the best place for him. (which I know is with me! After 20+ years of marriage I'm it!!!!). I've actually told him he's free to do whatever he wants... if he wants to leave for someone else now is the time to do it. I trust him to figure out and choose what's best for him.
I don't know if that makes sense, but somehow it has given me peace. Right now I'm reading a book about trust. I'll have to go find it and give you the name and author.
If you haven't read "Not Only Friends" I highly recommend it. It's the best book I've come across about affairs and recovery from them.
I can't say my husband has done a lot to restore trust or even communication. Quite honestly I think what has helped me more this time is the things I have learned about me, the strength I've gained and the determination I now have to do a little more with my life. I see him more as weaker and flawed. I love him, would stay with him and support him in getting through this, but I feel like I can also let him go now and that's a huge relief.
Quite honestly, I think I reach out and embrace him more (that's just me and now that he's somewhat open to it I can't help myself!), but if I force myself to back away and let him reciprocate he'll do it. For example, many nights I text him little messages like "Goodnight sweetheart" before I go to bed. He almost never texts me back. Tonight I figured I wouldn't text him. I just do too much... well, he sent me a text. It wasn't as warm as the ones I send him, but that's okay. After 20+ years of marriage I know who he is.
I basically have to curb my expectations. I can give, but only as much as I want to and what I feel comfortable with. More importantly I have to focus more on me and enjoying my life.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
