How to Piece????

[runningoutoftime]

I never expected to be posting on this board... although I don't entirely "fit in" here. My husband and I are still separated (since March '06), and we're still in the middle of a divorce.

On the other hand, we spend a lot of time together as a couple. We often get together for walks at night, we go hiking in the mountains, we've gone out to dinner together with the kids, he comes over to work on the house and we talk a lot.

He was the one who originally moved out and filed for divorce (he was in the middle, or rather the end, of an affair).

Anyhow, he now talks about reconcilation. I'm wondering... how have others gone about this? At what point do you move back together? Call off a divorce? How do you "plan" to get back together?

The funny thing about this is my husband is always asking me what I want to do. It's almost like he wants me to make all the decisions. I don't feel comfortable doing this because he was the one who left and filed for divorce (I've kind of dragged my heels on this the whole time).

What I've tried to explain to him is that I do want my family together and I want a strong healthy marriage with him, but he has to decide if this is what he truly wants (I can't have him wavering). It has to be a commitment.

Am I missing something? Should I be approaching this differently?

I'd appreciate hearing other people's experiences with piecing after a seperation or divorce (especially if there has been more than one affair and the S tends to "run away" from problems). What do you feel worked well or didn't work well?

Thanks in advance for any advice or sharing of experiences.

[cat03]

Reconciliation for us was odd and quick. We had gone on a family vacation (slep separately) on April 2, I brought up R talk, he said his T told him we should date each other and see if we still had something or if we still worked together.
On April 10 he tells me he is lonely and wants to move back if it is ok w/me. A half ass appology came out "I lost my head there for a while" but that's all he said. I dont' know when the op broke it off w/him but I'm guessing that it was right after our vacation.

He had a L and had separation papers the year before, he showed them to me and was "doing me a favor" by having me fill out the section about the house and money matters and stuff. I too stalled big time. After a few months and many talks, a few C sessions he was convinced I wouldn't rake him across the coals if we ever got to court so he dropped L THOUGH he still talked about selling home and kids' custody.
Eventually he just stopped talking and I never brought it up.

I think you've said your peace, it's him who now has to get off the fence and decide. I guess the paperwork is still going on?
At some point the paperwork will require attention and that's when you guys will have to talk about it. I wouldnt mention anythign about D though, it seems like he wants back, I surely hope so, my H would only call me on the phone at the best of times, but never came often nor did many things together. Good luck!

[runningoutoftime]

Hi Cat,

Thanks for sharing your experience. Do you feel your husband has learned anything from this? Does he ever talk about it?

I keep hoping my husband will express something like this, but he's not a great communicator. Also, I think he's not that in-touch with his feelings and emotions (he's an engineer).

The paperwork for the divorce is still going on. We haven't stopped anything. Originally when he filed in March he was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN he wanted a divorce and that he had made the right decision filing. He was still "with" the OW. However, that was a pointless relationship because she was married and lived in another state (she would fly out to California once a month for a one week class that started this past November through the company they work for). Fortunately, the class ended a few weeks after he filed for the divorce. I learned about the affair just before that last week of class. I did confront her and let her husband know about it.

Well.... it did take months for him to "consider the idea" of reconcilation, and now he gets irritated with me if I express any hesitation towards it so it appears we may be headed in that direction. Also, my car needed a new engine recently. I told him I was going to go buy an inexpensive little subcompact and he asked to be involved with the decision making and ended up buying me a large SUV (my girlfriend and I joke that he did this so I'll look like the typical soccer mom and no other guy will want to date me! ).

It's funny, when he first moved out he told me he was going to start dating other women, blah blah blah... and so far, it seems like he hasn't done any (or very very little!) of this. I actually go out with my girlfriends much more than he does. The only person he seems to date is me. We've always had a very strong physical and sexual chemistry throughout our marriage (21 years) and like many husbands I read about here he runs away from problems (he has moved out before and had a very short EA 12 years ago after the second child was born). But, every time he comes back. The fact that this is a pattern is a little disturbing...

My husband won't admit the affair played any part in his reason for filing for divorce, but I believe it did have an impact. I do worry about reconcilation because I'm not sure how much he has learned. Last night I saw him and asked him why he would want to reconcile. His answer was "because it's familiar." Does that seem like a good enough reason? Am I expecting too much? Another thing that kind of upset me. I asked him, if OW were to leave her husband and want to get back together with you, would you do it? He answered, "probably not." That "probably " bothered me. He quickly realized this and added, "definitely not." I probably shouldn't overanalize this. He does tend to choose the wrong words sometimes. Maybe I should give him some slack, but I feel it's really important that he be 100% committed (he has been on the fence waaaay too long). Heck, we've already spent at least 10K on this divorce and separation!!! I certainly don't want to go through this again.

[flip]

Hi, just popping by to say hello.
I don't have any sage advice, as I haven't got where you are yet (watching and learning!), but I can certainly understand your frustrations. Hang in there!

[runningoutoftime]

Thanks Flip!

There is just so much to learn and everyone's sitch is so different. I really appreciate your support. This is such a weird place to be. Sometimes I wonder if my husband will ever get off the fence and actually be an a committed marriage with me again.

Oh well, all we can do is just keep going on with our lives.
You take care friend!

[jeanb]

hi,
saw your post, after I also have been in the piecing board.
Not sure if I belong here either, but I am commited as you too, also trying very hard on restoring my M.

Myself also married over 20yrs, with H home with me now after A with OW, long term , over 2yrs.

Our reconnection also very bumpy. I am definitely no pro at this, first time in our M that OP involved, first time we S, lots of firsts for all of us!! I have come to know that DB with H home for us is even harder than when we were S.

My H also very silent communictor, Always has been. H has shown me many actions of recommitment, ( cards, flowers, vacations, doing things together, ML) but very few words about the past A and the OW. we do not go to MC. I personnaly know that, at the very least,an EA still exists. My H still has contact with the OW. ( phone and email that i know of)--she also lives several hours away.

Somedays I choose to completely forget the OW and EA and H and I do things fun together. Dates as you mention with your H--riding bikes, walking, enjoying working on the house together, etc. On these days I feel we are making babysteps and will work through this. I try to remind myself now to work on forgiveness and to remember I cannot change his feelings for her. Actually on a few occasions when there is no R talk and we are having a relaxed time together, I feel safe to ask some small thoughts.

Trouble in my sitch and not sure of yours, that I was ready to jump into reconnecting and naively thought we would live happily ever after communicating our deepest thoughts to prevent us from never getting into the place of problems our M had that led to all this. Problems on both our ends. But now realizing this will not happen. In my case trust is still not there and to me, that is the base for us that is not there yet. Has yours helped to build that base?

Does your H show you other ways besides communication of furthing your reconnection? I am glad to hear of your dates and would say continue doing that, but to also be realistic that this is another long road and lots of work, patience for you again. You sound strong to have come this far.

[runningoutoftime]

Jeanb,

Wow! You sound very strong to me. I think these long-term marriages with affairs are very hard. It's difficult to let go because there's so many years of love, life and connection, but then it's hard to stay together because it's frightening to imagine it could happen again.

Do you have children?

I don't know if my husband is still in touch with OW or not. I don't think he is, but there always could be emails and when he's out of town he could potentially visit her. Trust really is a difficult issue and it's something I've thought a lot about. What I finally concluded was that even if I can't trust him regarding her, or individual situations, I'd have to ultimately trust my husband to eventually figure out what was the best place for him. (which I know is with me! After 20+ years of marriage I'm it!!!!). I've actually told him he's free to do whatever he wants... if he wants to leave for someone else now is the time to do it. I trust him to figure out and choose what's best for him.

I don't know if that makes sense, but somehow it has given me peace. Right now I'm reading a book about trust. I'll have to go find it and give you the name and author.

If you haven't read "Not Only Friends" I highly recommend it. It's the best book I've come across about affairs and recovery from them.

I can't say my husband has done a lot to restore trust or even communication. Quite honestly I think what has helped me more this time is the things I have learned about me, the strength I've gained and the determination I now have to do a little more with my life. I see him more as weaker and flawed. I love him, would stay with him and support him in getting through this, but I feel like I can also let him go now and that's a huge relief.

Quite honestly, I think I reach out and embrace him more (that's just me and now that he's somewhat open to it I can't help myself!), but if I force myself to back away and let him reciprocate he'll do it. For example, many nights I text him little messages like "Goodnight sweetheart" before I go to bed. He almost never texts me back. Tonight I figured I wouldn't text him. I just do too much... well, he sent me a text. It wasn't as warm as the ones I send him, but that's okay. After 20+ years of marriage I know who he is.

I basically have to curb my expectations. I can give, but only as much as I want to and what I feel comfortable with. More importantly I have to focus more on me and enjoying my life.

[cat03]

Do you feel your husband has learned anything from this? Does he ever talk about it?

He sure has! though some days it doesn't seem like. He's learned that he did have a big part of our separation, that he does say insensitive and crass things, that it isnt' just me being "oversensitive"

And heck NO, he never talks about what he's learned, he is too ashamed to actually say "you know what, I was wrong when I did this and this to you", unless we have an argument it is tabu, we never talk about it.

I probably shouldn't overanalize this. He does tend to choose the wrong words sometimes

Yup, can't hang on every word, how many times my H and I have gone into a stupid circle of she said/he said because of something i either misunderstood or he said the wrong way.

[kaydeekay]

Running,

Everything I've read about your sitch sounds so familiar to mine. H and I have been married 12.5 years. H did file for D a year ago and I too dragged me feet. H was in PA with OW for nearly a year. They lived together for about 10 months off and on. He was back and forth between OW and me. After they broke up last October/November 2005 he would have contact with her now and then. Just this past Friday H told me that he doesn't give her second thought now, whereas OW used to consume his every thought. H even told me she tried to contact him at his job and he told her to leave him alone and hung up on her.

Last night I saw him and asked him why he would want to reconcile. His answer was "because it's familiar." Does that seem like a good enough reason? Am I expecting too much?

I've been told this too in so many words. H has dated other women since he broke off with OW. He has told me that he has tried to get over me but something always brings him back to me. He also said he compares other women to me and they just aren't me. I don't H back because I'm so familiar...I want him back because he wants to commit to the marriage 100%.

I too struggle with the question "Can this M work" after nearly 19 months of separation? H is presently living with family in another city but does call me every day and just recently started coming around to spend time with me. We started ML frequently this past month.

I currently don't have a thread, more of a lurker I will check on your thread to see if you have any positive results and if I have any I'll post here.

[toughlover]

Well, I've never cheated but as a man when I read your "because it's familiar" statement your H made, it sounds to me like something I've said to (and about) my wife many times over the years, namely, that "home is wherever my wife is."

I'm not saying that's how your H looks at it, but even when my wife and I weren't getting along at all months and years ago, that's what I thought and felt in my heart. At some point along the way, home stops being where your parents are or where you grew up and becomes (for me, anyway) wherever my wife is. Which is one reason I think this stuff is hard on us H's who are faithful...when our W's cheat or leave us, they've taken our home away, and we freak out.