Thanks for sharing your experience. Do you feel your husband has learned anything from this? Does he ever talk about it?
I keep hoping my husband will express something like this, but he's not a great communicator. Also, I think he's not that in-touch with his feelings and emotions (he's an engineer).
The paperwork for the divorce is still going on. We haven't stopped anything. Originally when he filed in March he was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN he wanted a divorce and that he had made the right decision filing. He was still "with" the OW. However, that was a pointless relationship because she was married and lived in another state (she would fly out to California once a month for a one week class that started this past November through the company they work for). Fortunately, the class ended a few weeks after he filed for the divorce. I learned about the affair just before that last week of class. I did confront her and let her husband know about it.
Well.... it did take months for him to "consider the idea" of reconcilation, and now he gets irritated with me if I express any hesitation towards it so it appears we may be headed in that direction. Also, my car needed a new engine recently. I told him I was going to go buy an inexpensive little subcompact and he asked to be involved with the decision making and ended up buying me a large SUV (my girlfriend and I joke that he did this so I'll look like the typical soccer mom and no other guy will want to date me! ).
It's funny, when he first moved out he told me he was going to start dating other women, blah blah blah... and so far, it seems like he hasn't done any (or very very little!) of this. I actually go out with my girlfriends much more than he does. The only person he seems to date is me. We've always had a very strong physical and sexual chemistry throughout our marriage (21 years) and like many husbands I read about here he runs away from problems (he has moved out before and had a very short EA 12 years ago after the second child was born). But, every time he comes back. The fact that this is a pattern is a little disturbing...
My husband won't admit the affair played any part in his reason for filing for divorce, but I believe it did have an impact. I do worry about reconcilation because I'm not sure how much he has learned. Last night I saw him and asked him why he would want to reconcile. His answer was "because it's familiar." Does that seem like a good enough reason? Am I expecting too much? Another thing that kind of upset me. I asked him, if OW were to leave her husband and want to get back together with you, would you do it? He answered, "probably not." That "probably " bothered me. He quickly realized this and added, "definitely not." I probably shouldn't overanalize this. He does tend to choose the wrong words sometimes. Maybe I should give him some slack, but I feel it's really important that he be 100% committed (he has been on the fence waaaay too long). Heck, we've already spent at least 10K on this divorce and separation!!! I certainly don't want to go through this again.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
