I think all LBS feel judged because we've been rejected for someone else. We tend to feel like the OP is a superhero while we're, well, pathetic. I know I did when my W dropped the B.
I have discovered some things in my sitch that, well, make me realize that there's always so much more to the story, and that people who truly have their acts together don't screw other people's spouses, or cheat on their own.
Turns out the OM in my sitch was/is an alcoholic who as recently as late spring '06 got arrested for DUI. He's also got some emotional problems he's getting treatment for (a result of a lifetime of bad choices, methinks). Cheated in both his marriages, both of which ended in divorce. Lied to his friends and family, and church.
I've made many mistakes, but mine are Kindergarten League compared to this guy.
This confirms a lot of suspicions I had, for a variety of reasons that aren't relevant now.
Now that I'm firmly entrenched in "acting as if" mode, and seeing the effect it has on my W, I'm firmly convinced that we (W and I) will win this battle, but even if something bizarre happens and she bails, I know it wasn't me and wasn't even OM. It was her.
Alot of "experts" talk about how if one spouse becomes destructive of the M and stomps on the feelings of the other spouse, the other spouse will latch on to the first person who comes along who appears nice and meets their emotional needs, no matter who they are, even if they're already married, an alcoholic, etc.
The thing I'm down about is that I helped create a situation where my W was so miserable living with me that a kind, smooth-talking man 30 years older than her who had some serious personal problems and character issues of his own came along and made her feel special when I just belittled her and made her feel unloved. To be sure, she had some character issues and immaturity of her own that allowed her to make this choice, but still. It galls me.
He's clearly a guy who never learned how to solve problems instead of escaping them and complicating them. My W was on that road as well.
I've done some things horribly wrong in my life, but I've never cheated, never participated in breaking up someone else's marriage or family, never pulled a wife away from her children, am not addicted to anything, and my only emotional problem right now is the lack of a strong emotional bond with my wife, though I think that's improving.
I've either solved or am in the process of solving every problem I created or participated in. In short, I am no longer a problem.
So I now see more clearly that OM didn't give my W anything I can't, there's nothing truly special about him. In fact, he's kind of a mess, and it concerns me only because my W (she didn't know, of course, about his problems at first) was willing to destroy my kids home over this.
Concerns me that she has some issues over feeling obligated to help fix the guy, guilt over abandoning him. Complicated-sounding, and I don't really know what to think about that. She says she can't be manipulated by him, and she's agreed that if he ever does try and contact her or bother her, she will tell me and we will decide how to handle it together.
I hope she doesn't have any more serious "dysfunctional" feelings or connections with this guy than what I see on the surface. I told her that if there were a problem there, that she ought to see our counselor individually and talk about it. She doesn't think she needs to. Nothing more I can really do about that except be there for her.
And it's making me wonder if, as time went on and she saw who/what this guy's problems really were, if she just had some despair herself because she, really, just traded one set of problems (our marriage) for a whole other set (his and those created by their A). I wonder how much of what she calls love isn't really more a sense of obligation and fear that her leaving him might aggravate his problems even worse. I knew this anyway, but now realize that her emotional connection to OM cannot be anywhere near healthy.
IF she ever leaves who I am now for someone like that, I know that she's truly got some issues.
For the first time since all this started I feel like I'm the better man, that this is really my game to lose, and in fact, in a way I don't understand yet and isn't even dependant on anything my W does anymore, I've already won.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
