W Never Left, But This Is Tough!

[toughlover]

Thanks! I have to say that much of this is due to my W's efforts and her attitude about her commitment. Much of it was her idea and supported by our MC.

It's almost like God is rebuilding our character as individuals, and almost like this distance between us personally is necessary so that if/when we truly reconnect, it will be as two individuals whose commitment to God comes first. That's my hope, and it helps in taking the edge off, but I wasn't able to see it that way until I reached a certain level/consistency of detachment and willingness to go on without her if need be. I've also begun to see my W in a new way in the light of our faith. Hard to explain/describe.

I don't mean to make it sound as "rosy" as I do. It's still real tough, but time, prayer, and her cooperation have made it more bearable. I still have bad moments which I largely keep to myself, pray about, and talk with MC about (alone). I still sometimes "see" her and OM together and get sick to my stomach. I sometimes recall (vividly) the extent of her lies and deception. But I'm learning how to let that go and trust God...not that he'll give me my W back, but that His will will indeed be done...that I'm doing my part and He'll bless that and do his part, whatever that is, and that it will be just what I need.

And I do realize that close, intimate, reconnection won't occur because she feels guilt, pity, or shame, won't be because she "snaps out of it."