W Never Left, But This Is Tough!

[toughlover]

dwh

Sure. Been meaning to do this for a few days now, just been busy. Will hit the high points, then follow-up with some reflection.

However, I must interject, that there are some amazing 100% true details to our story that I believe are part of God's working in our lives. I've written this story in an email and am willing to share it with other Christians or anyone who's interested in that sort of thing. If anyone's interested, they can email me at [e-mail] and I'll send the story (and only the story!).

-We're 3 months post-bomb and NC.

-In July, we were seeing MC weekly, now we're down to once/month. He helped more at the beginning...now he's more of a coach/cheerleader. My W and I both think we're at the stage where we're both doing all we can do, we're seeing progress, and don't need as much guidance from MC, but we still like to check in once/month to make sure we're on the right track, and to get ideas and some objective responses to what we think & do.

-We're both Christians and recommitted ourselves to seeking God's will and strength in our lives and our marriage.

-We pray together every morning (since July)...for ourselves, our marriage, our children, our family/friends, community and church. Sadly, we rarely did this before. I've never prayed every day WITH someone else. Neither has she, so in a sense this is very new...which in addition to being a tremendous channel of God's power and love, is sort of helping us chart a new course for our lives.

-We talk a lot, but try to keep R talks to a minimum. Mainly recreational stuff, spiritual growth, kids, family & friends.

-Looking back, I realized that I had sort of already starting DB'ing unintentionally before the bomb dropped. The bomb and finding this site (and reading DR) helped me detach and focus more on GAL/PMA stuff in July/August.

-Since August, my W has discovered Dr. Harley's Love Bank concept (which she likes, though thinks the terminology is a little corny) about meeting EN's and understanding that the "in love" stuff is mainly a decision to be open to that rather than a "cosmic, mysterious uniting of soul-mates who were always meant to be together" sort of nonsense/magical thinking. That's helping her (I think) break her addiction to the OM and understanding that we can have all that again ourselves.

-I made the decision a few weeks ago to simply be the husband I want the chance to be (acting "as if"), regardless of what I'm getting from her. I don't pursue her much, but we sort of negotiate to meet each others needs as best we can right now, and accept that as "good enough" for now.

-Based on some of the things Harley says (going with that alot cause it makes a lot of sense to W), we're really focusing on recreational companionship, undivided attention, and conversation right now. We're working on yard projects together, furniture projects together, playing tennis, etc. Just making sure that most of our recreational time is spent with each other.

-W says, "let's focus on what we know we can do right now, do the best we can, and assume the rest will grow and be there in time." I can't really argue with that!

-On the slightly down side, W says she's still not emotionally connected/attracted, but she's gone from not really caring too much about my feelings to wanting to do nice things for me, which she sees as major progress, since in the past that had been non-existant for a long time, and was just faked if it was there.

-We ML 3-4 times/week although it's mainly a physical thing for her, done (her words) as an act of love to meet my needs and try and heal the marriage. I've typically been a little uncomfortable about this, as I've never just wanted sex to have a physical release. However, our MC says it's a good idea if she's willing and able to, and I don't make too big a deal about it, and if I can handle it without getting upset at what's missing. Just take it for what it is and let it grow.

-I tend to be very analytical and a typical alpha "Fixer" to the nth degree. I have purposely cut this out, and do a lot of listening, nodding, agreeing, validating. A big change in me from pre-marriage to post-marriage was that pre-marriage I was pretty easy-going and laid back. Because of our increasing problems, I got very stressed out and critical. With God's help I've managed to approach life with a stillness and quiet strength that I don't believe I could have without my faith.

-My W typically is pretty reasonable and didn't rant and rave on me. Did blame me for a lot that wasn't just my fault, but I fell on my sword a lot in the beginning of this process. Admitted (honestly) how big of a jackass I was for most of our marriage, took responsiblity for my failures, named each one, and asked for her forgiveness.

To sum that up, she and I were talking the other day after church about how "if/when we get on the other side of this thing", we'd like to help other couples who find themselves in our sitch, or help them avoid it to begin with. We both agreed we'd like to do that, but that we still have a long way to go ourselves.

I hugged her and she said, "I think we're gonna make it."

Now, I'd have rather heard, "I love you," but "I think we're gonna make it" wasn't bad either.

It's really important, I've found, to understand how long this takes. I have to take stuff like that for what it is, appreciate it for a second, but then move on and don't assume we're farther along than we are.

I think that if/when she can finally look me in the eyes, tell me she loves me, and initiate a little affection, we'll be at the point in our journey where most of this is truly behind us.