W Never Left, But This Is Tough!

[toughlover]

Thanks for the advice/encouragement, Cat. I appreciate it, esp. from a woman's perspective.

I actually started running/working out before the bomb. I was diagnosed with diabetes at just about the time my W started up with OM. I lost some weight back then (around 25 pounds) but still needed to lose more.

The exercise really helps control my blood sugar better, and the weight loss makes my body use my own natural insulin more efficiently.

The thing that hurts me so much is that my main motivation for starting my 180 (before I knew it was a "180") was that I wanted to accomplish the following:

a) be in the best shape possible so I could live a long healthy life and take care of my wife and kids

b)save some $$$ on medicine and not be a physical mess as I got older so I could remain as independent as possible

c) give my wife the husband she married and could be proud of back, and make up for every one of my mistakes and give her the great life I promised her when we got married

I was about 70% there (or so I thought) when the bomb dropped. Being in such good cardiovascular shape probably saved my life or at least helped me deal with things better, cause it still hit me hard. Felt like I had an anvil on my chest for most of July.

Having already solved the financial problems and turned my career around has been important as well. I have way more confidence than I would have had if this had happened a year and a half ago.

Actually, aside from the fact that "my wife's been carrying on with a man her father's age for 3 years behind my back, in my house, and lying to me, our kids, our church, and extended family to make time to be with him, and planned on divorcing me, ripping my kids' world apart, and forcing us to all suffer the consequences of her lies" I feel great

Seriously, I do. And it made a difference even before I discovered DB/DR and this board. A few nights post-bomb, she and I sat on the back porch late one night talking after the kids went to bed, and here's what I told her (pre-DB):

"I love you and I forgive you. I don't want a divorce. I will not agree to one and I don't believe in divorce, I believe this marriage can be saved, I believe it's what's best for the kids, and me, and even you although you probably wouldn't agree right now or maybe ever, but that's ok. I will not leave my children for any reason, and if you decide to leave I will not lie to them, but I also will not disclose your adultery to them. However, if you push a separation and divorce, you will have to tell the boys it's your idea. I will be there to support them, not you, although I won't run you down or badmouth you, or stop you from leaving, and I won't blackmail you into staying by threatening to tell the boys what you've done. I want you back, but I know I'll eventually be fine whether you stay or leave. If you choose to stay, I guarantee you that I will give our marriage and family my absolute best from here on out, I will be the best husband and father you could ever dream of having. If you want to claim that and work to save this marriage, then you can't ever see this guy again, you need to email him that it's over and ask him not to contact you for any reason."

And she's done what I've asked. So far, and as far as I know (and, yes, I occasionally snoop a little...trust, but verify).

I think I did that more or less right, and the DB stuff confirmed it later. Of course, I also did a lot of the wrong stuff...crying, venting, saying hurtful things early on, smashing a cell phone ;-), but I snapped out of it pretty quick. I was a mess for a while, but I'm glad to say I didn't beg or plead...although I woke up crying every morning for a week, did all the "how could you do this to me" stuff.

And my wife has been my biggest cheerleader so far. She's noticed that the changes are real and mostly complete. In fact, our MC at first thought I was so great that he couldn't believe my W would choose anyone over me. She said, "Yes, this guy sitting here IS terrific, but that's not who I've been married to for the past 11 years." And she was right. And I accepted full responsibility and admitted all the lousy stuff I did, and promised to never do it again. So far, I've backed it up, and I do feel great about that.

I'm lucky in that I've not had to deal with my S's R with the OP while I've known about it, and also that my W never left and that she ended the A when I asked her to and recommitted myself to our M.

But in a way it's tougher for me cause she hasn't really had to suffer the full consequences of her actions, be alone, deal with things on her own. I told our parents (hers and mine) cause when she dropped the bomb she said it like our M was over and she was out of here, so I was going to move us back to the city our parents live in so they could be there for the kids. I mean, we'd only been in our new town for 5 days and didn't know anyone when she dropped the bomb. She figured we'd just agree to quietly divorce and keep to ourselves for as long as possible. When she saw me getting ready to pack up the kids and head for grandma's house 90 miles away, she said she never anticipated me doing that. I sometimes wonder if that wasn't the main shocker for her.

I feel kind of spoiled though because in all other ways she treats me great, just no real affection/interest. Maybe you're right, maybe it just needs more time. Sometimes I feel like I've given all I can, however, and can't go through this much longer without her reaching out to me. But, then I realize I still have it pretty good, so I need to quit whining and go fishing.

By the way, cat, I checked out your thread, and this quote from this article in one of your posts blew me away...sounds like it was written specifically for my W, and just nails it:

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of failing in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate - someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own - is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.