W Never Left, But This Is Tough!

[toughlover]

Thanks for the info folks, and thanks kml...any excuse for orgasms is good enough for me.

She tells me I've never looked better to her physically, and that my "bedroom skills" have always been great. Right now I'm just getting a "10" on the technicals and a "0" on the "emotionals".

She will go out on dates, go out and do lots of things. We're very involved in church these days, our son's football games and other sports, so we do a lot anyway as a family. She'll also go out on dates and pretty much do anything.

That's what makes this so difficult for me. She doesn't initiate much, but she responds to me all the time. But that was one of the things that made the marriage go south to begin with...we allowed the usual life problems to create distance between us, and I got bent out of shape that she stopped initiating affection, sex, or just being interested in me anymore, so I reciprocated, and we just grew apart.

Then things got really bad between us. No communication, didn't handle financial matters together, so we got into too much debt, etc. I let myself go, working all the time, very hostile at home, gained a lot of weight, and generally became unattractive, and so critical of her that she would have really have had to have her act together to help get me turned around, but she didn't. She just decided I wasn't worth it anymore.

Then OM was very nice to her, met all her emotional needs, they spent a lot of time together at church, both involved in the music program. He was on his second marriage at the time, and ended up divorcing his wife for mine. My wife was supposed to divorce me too, and they were going to just keep on lying, then pretend like they got together after she divorced me. The OM, incidentally, according to my wife, cheated on his first wife (but that was ok, cause, according to him, she cheated on him too), he cheated on his second wife (who was his age) with my wife, but now he and my wife had "real love" according to her. Yeah. She's 30 years younger, very pretty, and great personality (and some pretty hefty character flaws of her own, obviously).

As for me, I'm back to my old self, but better. Like I said, I've 180'd, GAL, PMA's, the whole nine. Not only have I reaffirmed my strengths (getting in shape again, better job, better income, a little more easy-going and fun, like in the old days) I've also done new things...wearing after shave which I never did before...dressing nicer, paying more attention to grooming (not that I was a slob before), taking her out to do things we never really did before, or hadn't done since before we were married. Get more positive attention from other women now, too :-)

In addition, I'm really attentive at home now (wasn't before, quit after our second son was born), very kind and sweet to her (and I have to say, she is a lot not nicer to me).

There's just no passion. And we once had plenty to spare. She acknowledges and notices all my positives, and appreciates them, just doesn't "feel anything."

I don't act needy, and I'm really not, but what I wouldn't give for her to just look at me like she used to (or throw herself at me like she used to).

It's like the OM is "perfect" because she broke it off cold turkey so his "wonderfulness" is frozen in time in her mind. I can't compete with that, and don't really want to, cause despite how wonderful she may see him, he's a cheater and a lier, a fake and a phony, getting up and singing about God's love every week in church while cheating on his wife and meeting my wife in hotel rooms, or at my house when I was out of town.

Doesn't say much for her, I know. But she's demonstrating a lot of character now. It's really all I have to hang my hat on.

What I am is real. Good father. Good husband. Decent provider. Haven't always been, but I saw my flaws clearly a few years ago and have been working on them ever since. This has just kicked it into overdrive, and I'm hanging in there despite her nonsense.

I've always been faithful, and always will be. I still adore her, though I have to say I'm not as attracted to her as I used to be just because of how seriously flawed I find her character. However, I'm very attracted to who she's trying to be now.

What I want is for her to come to me some day and just say, "Honey, I was so stupid. I was disappointed in you, but all I did was make things worse for everyone. I love you so much. Thank you for everything you've done for me and our kids." (the kids don't know, BTW, all they know is that we're getting along better than ever.)

Does that ever happen to anyone? I can't imagine her ever saying ILY again on her own, and really meaning it.