W Never Left, But This Is Tough!

[toughlover]

Summary:
Me(H) 39
W 31
M 11yrs
2 sons
Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2006

Bomb: W said she had been having an EA/PA for 3 years with a man 30 years older than her (yep, that's right, she's 31, he's 61!). She planned to divorce me after moving to the town we live in now, about 70 miles from where we were (and OM). We had serious debt as well as distance in our marriage. She shut down emotionally from me several years ago due to my being overly harsh and critical of her (it's true, unfortunately). But, over the years, I worked my tail off to get us out of debt. Changed careers (IT), lost 60 pounds, everything was (supposed to be) better when we moved to the new town, new job, etc. However, we moved on July 3 and she dropped the bomb (OM + ILYBNILWY) on July 8.

Here's the good stuff:
-she cut off all contact with OM upon my request
-wants to save the marriage ("for the children" and because "it's the right thing to do"...not because she's in love with me)
-has recommitted herself to our faith (and, as a Christian, does not believe in D)
-attends MC jointly with me every week
-treats me "as if" everything's normal
-She will ML if I want but makes it clear she doesn't want to, is only "acting as if" and is "willing" to because I "need" it, though she's very nice about it.

Minuses:
-hasn't been "in love" with me for years, maybe "never was"
-believes she and OM truly love/d each other
-says she wanted to leave me to have a truly Christian marriage with OM...they were going to continue with their adulterous relationship until she could get a job, get out on her own, divorce me, and marry him, at which point they were going to repent and have a Christ-centered marriage.
-Says she wanted to leave since 2000-2001 but we had too much debt and I "didn't want her to get a good job."

I hate to whine here, because I realize I have it better than many. She says she's committed to the marriage because it's part of God's will for her/our life, to do her part, and trust that God will restore her feelings for me one day. I, for my part, have been treating her like a queen, have been trying to put the pain behind me and just focus on the future, have recommitted myself to my faith, etc. In short, trying to be husband of the year.

It would seem to be as close to an ideal sitch as there is barring full marriage/feelings restoration.

I've asked this here before, but I need to ask again, because I've read DR but this seems like a unique situation. She's not technically WAW because she never really left, although she says she really wanted to leave and be this guy's wife (even though he's 30 years older). She will be affectionate in a limited way and will ML because she wants to "act as if" but there's no true feelings behind it...she's just doing it hoping the feelings will be there someday. Will give me a peck on the lips hello/goodbye but doesn't like passionate kissing or anything.

So, the usual DB techniques don't seem quite appropriate, for she's seen me change gradually for the better for the past couple years anyhow, and most of my life is working and doing stuff with our sons, and church. So, we go out to dinner, movies, whatever, but she doesn't seem to want much romance, even when we ML...just sort of wants to get it over with, although she's extremely nice about it.

Don't really know what to do about all that??!!