First off, thanks Cherish for letting us hijack your thread. I learn a lot from these discussions. I hope you will too – as one Great Manipulator to another.
---------------------------------------- she COULD NOT help me when I was feeling down. Because she had no voice. She could only watch me suffer, watch me hurt and maybe yell at me when the pain got bad enough for her. I needed a friend to basically kick my a$$ and get me past the doubts I had. She WANTED to but she COULD NOT. She had lost her voice.
SHE COULD NOT DO IT. That's the ONE point I want to make as we discuss this unbalanced, codependent relationship. -----------------------------------------
Frank, I can see in your case that this is true. But in mine I will stop short of saying she “could not”. I look back to many times when she tried but I cut her short. She had a voice but I would not let her use it. When I was depressed, especially with booze involved, I tended to push help away; to push loved ones away. I see the current low self-esteem in my stbXW and I pity her for it as she now pushes me away but that was me not to long ago – pushing her away when she tried to help. I came across as controlling as I pushed her away – “I will do it myself” attitude. So she gave up.
But looking back I can say that I wish she was stronger for me. Yes, she tried but I did not see it as much of a try at the time. So, in my case I would not say “could not do it”, I would say “was not strong enough to do it”. And instead of confronting me head on when things bottomed out and boosting me up – she bailed instead and dropped the bomb.
You lend hope to those experiencing a PA. In your case the affair ran its course and was viewed as bad. You were lucky, based on what I read here. I hope that is the case for Cherish and his wife. I don’t think there is the OM in my case but as I said the kids were my W’s “fix”. In many cases the OM/OW becomes a permanent fix. It all depends I guess. But as long as that fix is there – the LBS has a long wait indeed – or little wait at all as divorce becomes reality, as it will be in my case.
All this does resonate with me. As I told you before I took your stitch apart and found many things I used for growth. But your unique things made the difference – why you are back together and I will not be. If only I knew what I know now.
