This will be rather long and somewhat of a journal entry so feel free to skip over it. I just wanted to comment in more depth on Frank’s post I lifted and placed above using my M as background.
----------------------------------------- It's all about her. After all, she 'deserves' to be happy, right? Never mind that she is only unhappy because of her choices. She is only unhappy because when the going got tough in the marriage, she bailed. These kind of women are only happy as long as they are 'getting' and the LBS is 'giving'.
When they don't receive any more, when the LBS has a down turn in their life and can't keep giving and carrying them both, they start looking for that 'fix' somewhere else.
How many of us on this board (men and women alike) married someone who was just a time bomb waiting to go off? ------------------------------------------
At first the concept of “giver” and “taker” seemed harsh but after nine months I am not so sure. I would call it a leader-follower or even a parent-child dynamic. I lead and she followed.
Before we were married, W relied on her father to do many things. My FIL is a great guy and is strong, steady, and secure. He helped her when the going was rough in college, he helped her find a house and move, he helped her buy furniture and her car, he helped do her taxes, he gave her advice. He was her security blanket.
Then I came along and I assumed that role; a role I could not hope to fill long term. I should have known better.
The first half of our marriage was good. But I was expected to lead: I decorated the house, I chose what we ate each night, I picked out her car, I did the finances and the taxes, I fixed the house; she wanted little input on decisions. What color should we paint a room? She would go pick out a dozen paint chips and asked me to decide, and then I was expected to paint.
As time went on I began to resent doing all the work. I desired a real partner – not being a “daddy” to my W. I was always second guessing my decisions – were they making her happy? Then two things happened in parallel later in the M:
1) Children came: Here the parent-child dynamic shifted. Now she was the parent and just as she expected me to run the household ship with little input she expected to run the children ship without any input. I resented that b/c I was the father but I let her run with it. The M took last place – the kids became the “fix” Frank talks about above. I felt like the babysitter. We argued about how to raise our kids – but she did what she wanted. She became the rebellious teenager who wants to pick and choose her responsibilities with “daddy” butting out.
2) I had that down turn in my life and could not keep giving and carrying us both: the pressure of the children, job turn down, the death of a close friend to cancer, my mother moving here and having to undergo two operations. I slipped into depression and I began to increase my drinking to cope.
Did she help me? No. I got the blame for everything. I was no longer her “daddy”. Her rock was gone – I was no longer the strong, steady, and secure leader she needed. I was all too human.
Then the roof leaked: It started slowly – a skylight in the family room. I was so depressed I did not care. She was on to me all the time about it. Why did she not call a roofer to fix it? It got steadily worse and looking back it was a metaphor for our failing M. Instead of picking up the phone book and helping me, she gave me a child’s book where the dad ignored a leak and the house filled with water. The water rose until the dad, still reading his newspaper in his easy chair, was floating to the ceiling. The family wore scuba gear. The house finally exploded.
I laughed at the time, blinded by depression to the fact that she was telling me that I was failing as her father figure. I was failing the family. I was to blame while she did not lift a finger to help me. The captain of the ship was ill – but the first mate did not step in to help. Instead she headed for the lifeboat to abandon ship.
Yes Frank, your post is on the money. How many here say “When we split up she/he will learn what life is like without me”. As if they could not survive without us. Only a person in a leader-follower relationship would state such a thing – I read it all the time across this BB so it is a thread; I said it myself.
It is also ironic that while she expected me to lead and handle everything except the children, it is she who now calls me the great controller and great manipulator. Again, like a teenager trying to get her way – she resents the parent’s control but at the same time looks to the parent for security. She firmly believes that it was SHE who held the M together. In the end that was true – but she was too busy launching the lifeboat to help the sick captain get back on track.
All this brings me to your following quote:
------------------------------------------ One thing for sure, if any of you have this kind of experience you may want to remember that you can NOT go forward with your WAS in a 'new' marriage UNLESS they are actively working on this part of themselves. Otherwise, you'll just repeat this experience because you are not married to a 'whole' person. ------------------------------------------
That is why D is looking so good. I cannot be her “daddy” any longer. She has been dependent for 43 years and it would be difficult to change. Worse, she is not aware that any change is needed, that she is not a “whole” person. Yes, I still love her and there are the kids. But I cannot fill her expectations. Now I get the kids to myself for quality time I never had before; quality time she never let me have b/c the kids were “hers”. But this will hurt everyone involved – that is the sad part.
I hope that some day she will grow up but I doubt it. Most likely I will be replaced (or have already been replaced) by another father figure. She did call a roofer and got the leak fixed – four months after I moved out. Too, too late. Why did she not help us sooner?
