I just wanted to stop in and say "hey" to all of my DB friends. I have been following many of your threads so please don't feel like I abandoned you...I'm still here, rooting for you all from the sidelines.
I have been staying busy, between kids' soccer, trying to get my house back in order and of course, a little ME time to boot. There have been many good things that have come from this whole experience. The stress over the last several years had finally reached a peak. Somehow, I survived seven rounds of layoffs at my company, taking it from 250+ people, down to 43. The stress of this, combined with salary cuts and an increasing cost of living just added to the madness. For a good four years this stress was played out on my family...my relationship with my oldest son deteriorated to a point where my W considered S/D. This made for significant difficulties between W and I. Combine that with more pressure at work, having to do the jobs of several people, and a home improvement project that kept me working almost 80 hours a week for nearly 9 straight months, and you can bet I was at a breaking point. At the time of my separation, I had all but been gone from my family for 6 months, and had overlooked the fact that my W felt emotionally and physically abandoned. Add to this, the fact I was grumpy around my kids.
So, where are the positives, you might ask? Well, they say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger - this will build character, etc. Well, screw you; I don't want more character (LOL)! Truth is, I am a better person now. Stress does not affect me nearly as much anymore. I am more calm, less likely to react to things without careful thought and sufficient time to think rationally and without emotion. I am a better father to my kids and that is the real reward for enduring this nightmare.
This past weekend, my son had his first school dance. The dance had a Hawaiian theme so Thursday night we excitedly (OK, I wasn’t excited but S11 was) went to the party store to pick up some lays (sp?). S11 was so excited, he was grinning the whole time. The next afternoon he got all dressed up and ready to go. I believe there is a young lady that he is very interested in and I believe his hormones are starting to rage (EEK!). Is it just me, or are kids maturing WAAAAY earlier these days?
After the dance, I picked up both kids from school and we hit the road to drive south to Disneyland. This was one of the best experiences of my life and I will always cherish it – the three boys on a road trip! My youngest was so excited he told all of his friends at school.
On our way, the kids put on several movies to watch and I managed to follow along by listening to the audio portion while driving. We stopped at our favorite diner on the way down and had ourselves a nice meal and then hit the road again. After a nice dinner, we all took a long nap while driving south....OK, so I didn't nap. It was really cool - there I was driving late a night and the two most precious gifts I have received (and managed to hold onto...LOL) are in the back, passed out from the excitement of the upcoming day.
We got to our hotel, which is just across the street from the main entrance to Disneyland and both kids were bright-eyed after their long siesta. Nonetheless, we climbed into bed for some shuteye...it was 1:00 a.m. by this point. S11 was so excited; he kept giggling and making noise. In the past this would have irritated me but I just couldn't help but laugh....how could I have taken these moments for granted in the past?
Saturday morning we were up early and headed down for some breakfast. After breakfast we headed off to the park. S6 has become very sensitive and is easily scared. So for the most part, he didn’t want to go on any rides. So half the time, S11 was allowed to go on rides while S6 and I did more innocuous things. S11 had a ball as he was allowed more autonomy than in the past. S6 was very taken with the Winnie the Pooh ride and I had to go on it again, and again, and again. Did you know that tiggerth love to bounth? Between heffalumps and woozles we would do stuff with S11. This is when we could get S11 off of space mountain. As always, Pirates of the Carribean is a must see. This was the first time I had seen it since the park remodeled the ride.
Aside from S6’s usual nastiness – he really does have an attitude – the kids were brilliantly behaved. We stayed relatively late at the park…’til around 11:00 p.m., I believe. We watched what I believe is the most impressive fireworks displays I have ever seen. For the most part, I don’t get into fireworks anymore…once you’ve seen them twenty or so times, you have seen ‘em. Even the televised New Year’s eve fireworks are not exciting anymore. This however, was incredible – the fireworks were sent off from all points around the crowd, so you could look to the side or behind and see rockets flying overhead. The show was complete with a lit up Tinkerbelle, flying a 100+ feet in the air, over Cinderella’s castle. Even S6, who does not care for fireworks, watched in amazement. I will cherish that day for a very long time, although it was difficult to see all the happy families, walking around the park.
Sunday morning we got up and grabbed some breakfast before the boys took a nice long swim in the pool…hot tub….pool…hot tub… Time to pack up and hit the road. Pop in the Pirates of the Caribbean DVD and off we go. Shortly after leaving we get a call from Frank_D who lives nearby and we are promptly redirected for a little rest stop. S6 disappeared within minutes of arriving…video games existed up stairs. OK, now we’ll never leave! After some very kind hospitality, it’s back on the road. Frank, thank you VERY MUCH for being so kind and hospitable.
Another DVD or two and we are home. Kids go off to bed and I prepare for another week before turning in, myself.
Now, if you have read this far – and thank you for that – I will share with you, something that you may not realize at this point in your journey – and I am of course speaking to those of you who are not at a point of detachment. There are two distinct paths that you can follow at this point. First, you can decide the pain is too much to bare and you can opt to quit, file for D, move on to other people. Do this, and you will most likely feel less pain or you will at least be distracted from it. Chances are you will find someone else and you will feel loved again. But with this, you will have overlooked one of the greatest opportunities that life can throw you. The second option is one that many on this board opt to take. It is a difficult and painful journey, one full of peril and challenge. You will feel stretched beyond what you believe you can take and yet you will continue to stand. Know this; your efforts will be rewarded as you will be of the few that have the courage to face themselves…you will get to look deep within to see all the ugliness in you. So where is the silver lining, you might ask? You will have a rare opportunity to fix the ugly parts of yourself. You will be a better person, more attune to yourself and your surroundings. You will be preparing yourself to be a much better spouse, lover, friend than you can imagine and this will ONLY come by standing alone and facing the pain, the ugliness and the struggle.
Just remember, at the end of the day, when the dust has settled and the fog has cleared, you can each hold your head high and be secure in the knowledge that you did not quit. You did not take the easy path, the one most traveled. You stood tall and faced the pain head on. You looked deep within to find the worst in you and resolved to conquer your vices. Whether or not your spouse returns, know that what you possess is rare...the courage to stand for what you believe, the inner strength to combat your own demons, and enough love to endure what will most likely be the worst time of your life. I admire each and every one of you for standing tall and not throwing in the towel - for that would be the easy thing to do. Know that you will be rewarded for this painful journey. I know that I have been and will continue to be as I travel this path.
Wishing you all a little less pain today, your friend,
