Where do I start

[hurting_in_oz]

Hi, I am new to this site. I went overseas to my Dad's funeral, while I was away, my H got drunk and slept with my best friend. (Her H was asleep in the next room). He didn't tell me, but I guessed because I knew he was acting strange. He lied about it and downplayed it, for example, said that they didn't actually have sex, because he was able to stop, etc, etc, but in the meantime she wrote and told me the story and to apologize. Now, I am still so hurt even though it has been 6 months, and every time I look at him I still feel sick, and can't believe that he would betray me like this and especially at a time when I needed him the most. It has obviously destroyed the relationship with me friend. He is also so angry all the time and has a really short temper with the kids,etc. I am not sure what to do as know that it was a once off thing and he feels really remorseful and we have tried to put it behind us, but gee, you know I just wonder why?
Me..age 46
H..age 43
S...age 10
D..age 12
Married 13 years.

[willmakeithru]

hello h_i_o. have you sat down to have a heart to heart talk with your H or best friend? people do really stupid things when they're drunk. need to find out what really happened. if it was just a stupid one nite thing, talk it out. if need be, seek out MC especially if you discover there could be issues hehind it all. definitely talk and get it out so that you could start working on a solution.

[benwa]

I would ask myself Do I love him? Can I forgive him? I think that you cold say yes to both of these questions seeing that you are posting on this site. Forgiveness is the first hurdle the beginning of the race to recovery. Your H is sorry and wants to work on putting this behind you both. I can say a lot of us wish that we could have that from our Spouces

[hurting_in_oz]

Thanks for that, guys. I must say that I do have mixed feelings for him. Sometimes I look at him and feel so much love for him that my heart breaks, and other times I look at him and feel disgust. I guess this is normal? We have talked about it, but it is like pulling teeth as he sort of shuts down and just crys and tells me how sorry he is. She wrote and told me that she is too guilty and ashamed to see me again, and that our friendship would be too "strained". I think I can forgive eventually, I just think that it was pretty crappy to have happened the night before my Dad's funeral. That I don't think I can forgive. My H has been going to mass every week since it happened, I guess that might help him deal with it. The thing is that I haven't told anyone about it and it is so hard keeping it to myself. Especially when everyone tells me how wonderful he is all the time.

[mommyhurting]

Hurting - You are totally normal in your feelings.. I have not posted to anyone - as I have been the one to need the advice and support, but WOW - I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you..

I am going through trying to figure out my M as well b/c of an unadmitted affair by my H....

Anywho --- I wouldn't think about the dad funeral thing, that seems like a small part of it... Ignore that, IMO... I would maybe ask your H to go to some counseling - gosh - at least he admitted it - that is the first step...

As far as telling people - don't unless it is someone who is completely outside of your life with your H... I made the mistake of taking advice to "expose" the affair and my H feels totally betrayed by that... Stay in here, vent like hell and go to therapy on your own, if you can...

That is all I have to share and I am so sorry that you are going through this!!! Best wishes to you - stay strong and b calm!!

Ali

[hurting_in_oz]

Mommyhurting...That is great advice, thanks for that. As far as him admitting it, well, that was only after me confronting with my suspicions. And then it was, oh, well, we weren't even naked, blah, blah, blah. But you see, the H of my bestfriend walked in and caught them and there was this big brouhaha. So, I'm thinking..there must be more to this. Anyhoo..after further diggin, he eventually admitted that they did go to bed together, but said he was able to stop. Now, I don't think there is a man on this planet who could stop. So, anyway, once I got the letter from my friend, I had him read it. I told him I was so angry at him because he lied to me. I got the usual"oh, I didn't want to hurt you" HELLO...TOO LATE FOR THAT! Anyway, I can see you point about the dad/funeral thing. Thanks. I am really sorry about your situation too, I hope you can work things out. It has really helped me coming to this website, it makes my own situation pale compared to others.

[mommyhurting]

Just know, as someone who has been going through this for 1 whole year ( on 8/27) that it will take time for everything. It is going to take a boatlaod of time to get over your sadness, anger, hatred, rensentment, all of it.. Just be patient - that is my motto these days...

I am so sorry for you - I think my sitch sucks, but WOW - again - holy sh*t!!! You will be fine, though... Just know that EVERY emotion you have is TOTALLY normal. Just get through them... Be thruthfull to yourself and your H and things will work out...

Okay - Have a great night!!! Stay positive!!!

[benwa]

Timing doesn't matter. I got the bomb dropped on my 7th year anny. It could have been the tenth day of any month it wouldn't make it any different for me. i pray that you will see his sorrow for the action as true. I hope it is. Honestly I wish my W would be here saying sorry instead of remorseless even in the company of her children who are really taking this hard. Always forgive even if you never forget. With your H you have the chance to still be with him. I'm sorry that's not the case with your father. Thats how I would put it in perspective

[74Kim]

I am so sorry to meet you here!

My H had a PA and just came clean to me with really not much prying. I just knew he was different. But, I have not told anyone as well. It is a very difficult thing to not talk about. But I feel that my H and I are gonna work this out so why tell anybody else that could have a neg outlook on him. It would just be another thing to try and work out. Definatly go to some sort of therapy for yourself. As weel as MC. If he'll go.

I feel the same as you with love for my H and disgust as well. But another thing that makes me strong is my kids. My kids adore my H and I can withstand this pain from him.I will not let my children be hurt by him, by exposing what he has done and turn towards D. I am a mom who will protect my children to the best of my ability. And I am sure you are too. I will be proud of myself to be able to forgive, and teach my children forgiveness. Consider it that way. It helps me a tad.

I am so sorry for your loss of your dad.

[hurting_in_oz]

Hi. Very good advice there. You guys have really helped me. The H of my friend(ex-friend) phoned me today to see how I was doing, the first contact I have had with him. We both talked about the lack of trust that we both have now for our spouses. He opened old wounds by telling me what he saw when he walked in and found them. In a way, closure for me. I have told him that I can forgive her, but he said that we will not ever see them again. So, I mourn the loss of our familes friendship. Benwa, you helped me realize that I perhaps need to probably greive my dad's death as I really haven't been able to do that as I was thrown into the devastation of the A. My heart goes out to all of you and thanks for the support. This website has really helped just realizing that I am not alone in these crazy feelings.