Oh, and since we opened the door to discussing "her", after 1.5 years, I finally got some answers about their relationship and I no longer have to wonder. I'm so glad that I've never snooped (never seen that cause anything but pain) but at this point, since it's inevitable that she's going to meet my angelbabies (and likely with them part-time) I am glad to have asked. It was a very calm and neutral conversation, so H was comfortable answering. Well,not comfortable, but he certainly didn't feel cornered.
All my 180s, wanted to appear (and eventually became) strong and competent are no competition for her. My positivity is not a draw for him. She is anti-social and has no friends. He has few friends but has a few on his softball team - she has only been twice and had to "be taken home early" because she was so uncomfortable. They are both very close to their families - her family dislikes him (apparently it's mutual) because of what they have done and what he has turned their daughter into. His family (with whom I remain very loving) refused to meet her for the first year, and have had a couple of what he describes as "brief and uncomfortable" encounters with her. They are living a life where they have nothing (neither has hobbies, except for H's softball) and no one in it. When I expressed concern about that H told me that they understood each other and their loneliness, and that's something that I could never understand. That I'm so strong and happy and competent and popular (his words) that I can't understand. He's right - if that's what makes him feel secure, I can't offer it. We had a very underperformer/overperformer dynamic (which we both now acknowledge and fight tooth and nail against sliding back into, although we tend to slip into that regularly and at least can laugh about it)and in their relationship, he's found someone more passive than he is. He is the dominant one, and I can understand the appeal. But I can't be that. So maybe he really does belong with her.
Although everything he complained about (he's voiced very few complaints about our marriage) he has tenfold with her. But I never really "bought" his reasons for unhappiness - it really wasn't denial but it just didn't ring true. And now I see it wasn't true - it was merely justification.
And now he's going to have a very small and lonely life with her. Broke, barren and isolated. I must admit that it bruises my all-too-healthy ego - you left *ME* for *THIS*?
She hates me - and is driven crazy by the fact that he won't talk bad about me. It's "very hard on her" he says. I can't believe that I've been so easy on them both that she has the nerve to cast ME as the villain! But at least it's a source of tension between them.
