I’m back, but it appears to be a whole new set of DBers here, so I’ll give you the rundown on my sitch and why I’m back.
Feb’05 my beloved H revealed an affair with a coworker. We’d been married 7 years, together 13 and just had back-to-back babies. After a half-hearted attempt at reconciliation, he was gone by the end of April ’05, at which point I embraced DBing with a passion. Oh, how I 180’d! I stopped being frumpy, reconnected with the friends I’d neglected during our marriage, I went from a sobbing mess in the fetal position to a person who found her happiness within, went through the toughest time of my life with dignity and compassion – you name it, I did it. It’s been a year and a half of intense personal work and pain and joy. I was a stay-at-home mother and a year ago I went back to work and now have a mentor in upper management and my company is sending me back to school part-time to have an even more successful career. My life is busy, happy, full, exhausting and I’m more authentic than I have ever been. I’m honest with my feelings, addressing my anger by setting firm but calm boundaries instead of suppressing it, I laugh a lot. I still have trouble admitting when this life of single working mother of two toddlers, part-time student (that was thrust upon me) overwhelms me, but I’m working on that too. I am a very good example of how DBing can save your life and your sanity when you are in absolute despair. It’s hard to imagine that in March of 2005 I was actually suicidal. That’s unimaginable to me now. I’ve made a few forays into the dating world without much enthusiasm, but am thrilled to discover that men are willing to pursue me. Very encouraging after my “soul mate” told me he just wasn’t attracted to me.
My husband continues his affair. Until last week I knew very little about their relationship, as I abided by the rules religiously and never asked about Her. Never accused, never got emotional. He is a man with a conscience and has been living with his parents since he left so that he can give us all his money. To be very honest, there is a huge measure of relinquishing responsibility in that. He is an extraordinarily passive man who is paralyzed by responsibility and choices. Plus this way he alleviates his guilt. But it has been to our benefit, so this has been our arrangement. He comes over 3-4 times a week to see the kids. I often go out (gave up on acting mysterious after about 10 months – I can’t pull off mysterious) but also am often at home while he’s there. We get along superbly (thank you DB!) and connect easily. In recent months we’ve started to email from work about stuff other than kids. Just chat and interest – I’d describe the tone as playful and mildly flirtatious. Originally I liked doing this because I called it “f-ing with the Other Woman”. I liked feeling like the other woman and that he was investing all this energy into me instead of Her. Of course, last week when he announced that he was introducing the kids to Her, I realized how vulnerable I had allowed myself to become. I was angry, which I expressed, as we had agreed no “introduction of new partners” for a year after he moves into his own place (and our practical separation begins) to allow the kids a chance to adjust to their new circumstances. We are at long last getting things in writing via a mediator, and after an intense (and ultimately loving) conversation about it, we’ll be agreeing to introduction schedule in mediation. Our wonderful mediator has a master’s in child psychology focusing on separation effects on children, in addition to her law degree.
So he is moving out next week, and for the first time in our year and a half separation there will be some separation in our separation. More than anyone I’ve met on this site, we’ve stayed in prolonged limbo. Except for our increasing affection (this very gentle but unexpressive man told me last week that he’s terrified of losing my friendship), nothing has changed between us since the day he left (which we still had a very high level of affection back then). And now we’ll see each other for a brief exchange of kids once a week. And at a WAY overdue schedule, I’m finally going to go dark. I’ve been promising to do that since very early on in my sitch and never found the self-control to cut him off. And circumstances kept us in a tight orbit with one another.
Which is why I’m back. My friends and family don’t like to hear about any lingering feelings I have for him. Even my DB pals (we keep in touch off the board) have heard me say it so many times that “this time I’m really dropping the rope” that I’m sure they’re rolling their eyes. I’m gonna need some support as I adjust to not having him in my life. So here I am! A year ago this board was a compulsion bordering on addiction for me. In many ways it saved my life and in many ways I used it as a means to avoid truly getting a life or moving on. I hope I “use it wisely” again. I’ll be reading up on all of you to see what’s the story on everyone.
Also, I'm going to look and see if any of the old gang is still around... if so "HEY GUYS!!!!!!!!! SHE'S BACK,AND YES SHE STILL DANCES ON HER COFFEE TABLE!"
