My husband is pretty silent about the A, and I have been too. I think my silence is because we went through a similar situation 11 years ago and I didn't handle it well. I was much younger and just had a baby with developmental problems, a very ill child diagnosed with an incurable disease, and I was working nights and experiencing severe asthsma and excema (two things I never had before in my life, and haven't had since!) from stress and lack of sleep. So I was pretty overwhelmed and mentally crazed at the time.
But for months I would wake up in the middle of the night, storm downstairs to where my husband "lived," pound on his door, go in, cry, ask questions, tell him what a terrible person he was... just all kinds of crazy stuff. I did this pretty regularly for at least a year and then slowly, over the following years, did it less and less.
Looking back, I realize I did tremendous damage to both my husband and my marriage. It didn't bring us closer together or strenghen our marriage. It just made it impossible for him to trust me with any information, his feelings, emotions. He's not as good at me at communicating and I'm extremely articulate so I could twist anything to make him look bad.
Over the years I finally realized what a big mistake I had made and how badly I had reacted. Everything was ME ME ME and my pain and my hurt. But even after realizing how badly I had reacted and how horribly I had treated him, and then changing myself to really be there for him, appreciate him and just love him for himself... it didn't erase the years of what I had done. It didn't make it any easier for him to trust me (with his feelings and secrets). Communication was still difficult. And no matter how "good" a wife I was it didn't change those years of the blame and the pain I took out on him.
This affair (definitely MLC this time) I see as an opportunity not to become some crazed "wronged" woman, but a way to approach our relationship in a much healthier way. I feel he needs to trust me this time. I'm not pressing for details because I want him to tell me when we're both ready. I want to make sure I'm strong enough and healed enough to deal with this, and that he is too. I want some time for understanding on both our sides.
Instead of making him feel like garbage and hate both me and himself, I want to be his friend. I want him to trust me and be able to tell me anything. If I freak out he can't do this. He'll just close up and there will be all this garbage between us.
So I'm hoping in time eventually we can tackle this stuff, but for now I just want to build our friendship and our family (and myself!). Just like in DBing during separation or divorce, everything is baby steps. I think it takes A LOT of time and enormous patience.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
