am up early on the most beautiful chicago morning after a full moon last night , and still a full moon with the sun just rising.
boy does a walk on a mornng like this do a soul good!!! why couldn't i see this last night? have not posted in a month and did a big DB NONO last night.
H and I still home together, having for the most part some slow piecing together. But the piecing has been because I pick and choose the "easy" subjects to talk about. no R talk, no A talk, no OW talk. My H remains totally silent on the past, and totally silent on how to communicate better for our M. I've come to realize H is and was always that way when it comes to expressing himself verbally. But I am not and how do I deal with this?
Feeling like it is either put up and try to heal alone by building on our other means or push too hard at my needs --my need for reassusrance and this is what happened last night.
I received a 2 ring phone call which the caller ID caught yesterday mornng, the phone # was the OW's home #. Call ended before I answered. H was not home( H was definitely at work at firestation), and this started the whole obcessing of me getting the OW into my brain. My gut still tells me they are not together in PA, but that they remain in EA via "occasional" emails and calls according to him. H admits to nothing else, and my unhealthy vigilance shows nothing else either.
when H came home, i brought up the phone # calmly and started calmly telling H how it hurt, and to have her never to call, and ended over the course of the evening into an alternating fight of me yelling, crying, and ended with me flipping over a table. Something totally opposite of my nature. I am probably the most passive person ----almost to a fault.
Was feeling the need for so much reassurance from H, that the hurt suddenly became rage. Thinking now, I could somehow draw the silence of him out by first the calm talk, then the tears, then the rage just exploded and we slept seperately ( after I told him the worst thing for me to feel was sleeping alone).
I need to start myself anew, to get some strength from others here to be my own person that has worth, patience, love and keep thie OW off of my back.
How many others have spouses, back home or not, that for many reasons are able to still piece, having them totally silent about the A, what led up to it, and where they are now in their R? Mine is, was, and am afraid will always be that way. How do deal with our needs to heal and build from there, not to dwell on the past, but to build something better. yes, I am in C, H not and will not agree. My C had an interesting comment saying, that if my H seems totally hurt by this verbal communicatin, then MC is "talk therapy" and he will definitely not feel this as a support. He is absolutely not open to any C at all.
I'm going to start with another day at a time, and walking in our beautiful fall day is my new day beginning, but feeling lost on where to start again at home with him.
