jeanb, I haven't read your previous threads, so I don't know how your H has been acting before. Trusting when you know there is still some kind of contact, that's hard. My H is out of town for work, and OW might already be in the country. So he could easily arrange a rendez-vous. But I honestly don't think he could do that to me. Not now that we have made so much progress. What about you? You said that there are so many positives, would there really be any progress if H was still attached to OW? Oh I really don't know what the best approach is. I feel like asking so many questions, but H is just not ready to talk. I'd need so much reassurance, and him telling me it's over, but he's not giving it. But then again, his actions tell me that he wants to be with me and that he's happy.
Did he tell you about OW when it started or did you find out yourself? Could you see that something was wrong? I think you'd see the same kind of things if something was going on.
I just wanted to let you know that other people here are going through the same thing. W and I were sep for about 4 months then she asked me to work on it. But W can't let go of Om. She is still in contact. Tells me they don't have a R and certainly not an A. But they did. I say BS.
Like you I'm in the same place. Not quite sure if I should walk away again or stay and see if it works out. I just feel the longer this is going on the less I can tolerate it. Every time I see evidence again about her contacting him it makes me feel worse. So I blew up about every weekend now on the last 3 weeks. And yesterday I told her I'm considering sep. again. After that she was just being very nice to me but I don't expect any change.
Sorry for the long post and I didn't want to hijack your thread. And unfortunately I can't give you any advice. Haven't figured it out myself yet. Just letting you know you are not alone.
yes I had my pity party the other day here and it honestly did me good to pound it out here and not at him.
I am reminding myself of all the positives that have evolved, but when it comes to joining H's pity party I really can't go there. Yes, the assurances, the empathy from h would be just what I would wish for too. I need to keep telling myself that I think H started his A due to a depression and he must be the one to find his own joy within himself.
The trusting is most likely my own issue. Time, keep giving myself time. As my own C said, If I was diagnosed with a cancer , would I constantly want to think it returned. Absolutely not , not any of us. My goal is to keep the vulture OW out of my head, but going to do it day by day now.
Going to continue a "happy journal" I have started to write at the end of my day. Started out small, but decided absolute ONLY happy quick notes go in there.
yesterdays: ate my mom's mashed potatos!!--best ever, happy and lucky to still have her with me! my son passed algehra with a B!!!!! picked some flowers from my garden have the day off of work tomorrow my best girlfriend will always be there for me
My mind has a vulture trying to get it, but I got rid of her this way yesterday and am going to make my journal a promise to myself. cat03--I love the idea of the A being slime and not able to get in to you!
Hoping we all get rid of our vultures and eat mashed potatoes--thanks all. )))))))))))))
I don't know if this helps, but I think we need to look at our husbands as having a "mental condition." We can be loving and supportive, but because of their mental states we have to let go of expectations. We have to look at them as currently in a process working through things and hope that within a certain time frame they figure it out.
At some point you may want to decide on the timeframe you want to devote to the marriage. Personally, I'd probably give it a generous timeframe. I'd allow my husband a good amount of time to figure things out (because I've had a long marriage which has been pretty good overall and he deserves my patience and support).
In the meantime I'd definitely concentrate on me; work on some personal goals, career goals, maybe go back to school and learn something new, start a business, etc...
BTW, what is your husband getting out of the A? What needs is OW fufilling? Any way to create that in your M?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
yes looking at H's having a "mental condition" is a mild way to put it!!! I've seen others describe it better with words I often use myself. I have 2 children, D22-lives in her own apt., but I am lucky she is near. S19 home and at community college. The S for us also brought on more issues with my H and the kids. H was the one to blurt out to them about OW, and it has taken about a year to have D begin to talk again and my son, well he is the happy go lucky kid living in his 19yr. old life, as he should be, but is also feeling the distance.
Still believe my H very depressed and the OW was definitely his bandaid during the PA, and I am still not 100% convinced no further PA, but feels he needs the stroking of her. Never met her, think my H was her "rescuer". The OW apparently had an ex abusive H, and my H found her at a time our marriage was in a very low point because of both of us letting it get that way.
I know in many ways I am lucky to have H home, even if he is sulky, depressed, silent, and probably so involved in his own issues, he may never get the whole picture of what I am feeling or went through. Just like many of us here. What I do know for sure, is that I am still not pushing MC, picking rare moments for R talk and this is hard for myself. Yes, read the 'after the affair" book ALOT!!!
Was thinking that if I gave my M a score (0-10) preaffair, it would have been probably a 3, during the affair down to a 2, and now maybe a 5. But too bad the 5 has to be because of an A, because of this OW.!!!! This OW that still is trying to stroke my H with the EA. But as all of us, we are the strong, confident ones who have made it this far. I'm proud of myself and so many others who have made a life for ourselves thinking that we want to try with our hearts and souls to commit to them, but harder now for me to sit on the sidelines and watch H do things "I can't fix" for him. For now going to trust the EA will dwindle and no PA--if I learn differently, a whole new story not to be dwelled on tonight.
how about hearing the good news we have all been doing?--I for sure had a great day with my D, bumming around the city of Chicago on a beautiful sunny day!!!-so lucky to have my kids! My H went to a family cottage "to be alone"--and I am hoping he is finding his own peace in the sun, guess that's all I can do for now.
back to work unfortunately tomorrow, so off to bed would love to hear the positives from others too--even if it's only eating mashed potatos!!!
I've read "End of the Affair," but that was many years ago after the first affair. It was very helpful from what I recall. Yet, I really like "Not Just Friends." It has helped me see the affair in a completely different light. Lots of statistics and great information about healing after an affair.
Postive things today.... hummmm.... I'm not back at work yet. I like that I'm still enjoying my summer off even through financially it's a strain. Saw my husband tonight (after his dinner out with the kids). We sat on the couch holding hands and he said we need to talk more. It's funny, I seem to be the one avoiding talk. I just want to enjoy every moment of life lately, avoid serious topics and just live a carefree romantic life. It's so weird because I've never been this way before. I think my husband's MLC has thrown me into my own (although I think I have my head much more together... no interest in OM or getting a tattoo).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
am up early on the most beautiful chicago morning after a full moon last night , and still a full moon with the sun just rising.
boy does a walk on a mornng like this do a soul good!!! why couldn't i see this last night? have not posted in a month and did a big DB NONO last night.
H and I still home together, having for the most part some slow piecing together. But the piecing has been because I pick and choose the "easy" subjects to talk about. no R talk, no A talk, no OW talk. My H remains totally silent on the past, and totally silent on how to communicate better for our M. I've come to realize H is and was always that way when it comes to expressing himself verbally. But I am not and how do I deal with this?
Feeling like it is either put up and try to heal alone by building on our other means or push too hard at my needs --my need for reassusrance and this is what happened last night.
I received a 2 ring phone call which the caller ID caught yesterday mornng, the phone # was the OW's home #. Call ended before I answered. H was not home( H was definitely at work at firestation), and this started the whole obcessing of me getting the OW into my brain. My gut still tells me they are not together in PA, but that they remain in EA via "occasional" emails and calls according to him. H admits to nothing else, and my unhealthy vigilance shows nothing else either.
when H came home, i brought up the phone # calmly and started calmly telling H how it hurt, and to have her never to call, and ended over the course of the evening into an alternating fight of me yelling, crying, and ended with me flipping over a table. Something totally opposite of my nature. I am probably the most passive person ----almost to a fault.
Was feeling the need for so much reassurance from H, that the hurt suddenly became rage. Thinking now, I could somehow draw the silence of him out by first the calm talk, then the tears, then the rage just exploded and we slept seperately ( after I told him the worst thing for me to feel was sleeping alone).
I need to start myself anew, to get some strength from others here to be my own person that has worth, patience, love and keep thie OW off of my back.
How many others have spouses, back home or not, that for many reasons are able to still piece, having them totally silent about the A, what led up to it, and where they are now in their R? Mine is, was, and am afraid will always be that way. How do deal with our needs to heal and build from there, not to dwell on the past, but to build something better. yes, I am in C, H not and will not agree. My C had an interesting comment saying, that if my H seems totally hurt by this verbal communicatin, then MC is "talk therapy" and he will definitely not feel this as a support. He is absolutely not open to any C at all.
I'm going to start with another day at a time, and walking in our beautiful fall day is my new day beginning, but feeling lost on where to start again at home with him.
glad it only lasted a day, The day after my meltdown was as usual, silence, silence by H. I apologized to him for my rage, but also told him that crying, begging, and anger is never a way that I am striving to communicate and for that I am sorry.
To myself, I said to take that sorrow and anger and continue to look forward and to continue to be strong for myself. Knowing this person, my H, is still struggling with his own MLC, his own depression, and I believe not at this time not able to see any of the whole picture. I am going to focus on my positives.
I've also gone back to the MLC posts where we all see so many people with the strength, wisdom and patience I need to continue with.
But this silence from him!!!! How are others dealing with this from the WAS? will they ever have any insight? do they think it can just never be talked about? ever? that's the hardest for me, not wanting to ever get to the place in our own M that led up to the A.
I will continue with my own C, and stay here on piecing, but welcome any others dealing with this too.
Quote: How many others have spouses, back home or not, that for many reasons are able to still piece, having them totally silent about the A, what led up to it, and where they are now in their R? Mine is, was, and am afraid will always be that way. How do deal with our needs to heal and build from there, not to dwell on the past, but to build something better. yes, I am in C, H not and will not agree. My C had an interesting comment saying, that if my H seems totally hurt by this verbal communicatin, then MC is "talk therapy" and he will definitely not feel this as a support. He is absolutely not open to any C at all.
When my H came back he made a point of telling me he wanted to leave all the past behind and didnt' want to talk about anything, After I discovered the A he still didtn' go into details, was mostly mad I snooped. Anyways, for about 3mths we'd have some talks that turned into arguments when I brought up the subject and some truths came out. Only a few times I was able to get him to answer my questions. I'd ask him "was it because of xyz that you went w/her?" or I 'd tell him my feelings/thoughts of why I thing it happened then he'd tell me his side.
But yes, above all my H never wanted to talk about the A, and after these months I dont' either, I think I got enough info, and it is true that the more you know the worse it is, the more questions arise and the more mental picts embed in your brain. Had I not look into my H's stuff I'd never find out it was a PA, I still dont' know if it wouldve been better never to know. Anyways, your H should be able to at leat tell you the gist of it, I told my H I neede to know so I was sure that he didn't want her anymore and in the future wouldnt' go back to her.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
My husband is pretty silent about the A, and I have been too. I think my silence is because we went through a similar situation 11 years ago and I didn't handle it well. I was much younger and just had a baby with developmental problems, a very ill child diagnosed with an incurable disease, and I was working nights and experiencing severe asthsma and excema (two things I never had before in my life, and haven't had since!) from stress and lack of sleep. So I was pretty overwhelmed and mentally crazed at the time.
But for months I would wake up in the middle of the night, storm downstairs to where my husband "lived," pound on his door, go in, cry, ask questions, tell him what a terrible person he was... just all kinds of crazy stuff. I did this pretty regularly for at least a year and then slowly, over the following years, did it less and less.
Looking back, I realize I did tremendous damage to both my husband and my marriage. It didn't bring us closer together or strenghen our marriage. It just made it impossible for him to trust me with any information, his feelings, emotions. He's not as good at me at communicating and I'm extremely articulate so I could twist anything to make him look bad.
Over the years I finally realized what a big mistake I had made and how badly I had reacted. Everything was ME ME ME and my pain and my hurt. But even after realizing how badly I had reacted and how horribly I had treated him, and then changing myself to really be there for him, appreciate him and just love him for himself... it didn't erase the years of what I had done. It didn't make it any easier for him to trust me (with his feelings and secrets). Communication was still difficult. And no matter how "good" a wife I was it didn't change those years of the blame and the pain I took out on him.
This affair (definitely MLC this time) I see as an opportunity not to become some crazed "wronged" woman, but a way to approach our relationship in a much healthier way. I feel he needs to trust me this time. I'm not pressing for details because I want him to tell me when we're both ready. I want to make sure I'm strong enough and healed enough to deal with this, and that he is too. I want some time for understanding on both our sides.
Instead of making him feel like garbage and hate both me and himself, I want to be his friend. I want him to trust me and be able to tell me anything. If I freak out he can't do this. He'll just close up and there will be all this garbage between us.
So I'm hoping in time eventually we can tackle this stuff, but for now I just want to build our friendship and our family (and myself!). Just like in DBing during separation or divorce, everything is baby steps. I think it takes A LOT of time and enormous patience.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
