Justme,and others-thanks for the thoughts and good wishes
lots of mixed emotions I must write away now, so much ambivalence to this whole crazy sitch. If I don't pound on these keys now, may do something really stupid.
Where have I/we?, this marriage really been the last few months. As I said H home physically but where is our R now? Sadly I don't know. sadly the silence continues for months.
Do actions speak louder than words? Words are something my H could never do well. H is a giver, a writer of his emotions, an action man to show his love to me. He admits he could/and still cannot express his feelings about any of the past A. Because he is still involved? EA? PA? i don't know.
I've been sitting so often in thought wondering the little that I know for sure ( from opening very few emails between them.) These occasional emails between my H and the long term OW is my only window of insight I have. Silence on his part has always been part of our M, how much do I realy know that may or may not be a continuing EA/PA? on their parts? is my mind getting the most of me tryng to read between the lines? and does my mind add my own insecurities? It sure does!
many here may say this is totally not good for me and I wrestle with that decision.
I was so surprised at words my individual C had for me,"would you wait for cancer to return?" and also reminding me of something I do know but probably need to continue to beat on my brain, the fact of me NOT being able to turn off his emotions for her, and me NOT being able to fix him.
Have I made these few emails that seem "friendly and just checking in" between my H and OW to be an obcessed imagined continung sordid secret A? or is H still playing the game and keeping us both? Do I let the emails alone and let it die a "natural death?"
This is constantly on my mind. An I closing the door to reconnection because I cannot forgive and am I just waiting to "catch him red handed?" or trying to keep myself prepared, to never be lied to again, cheated on again.??? ready if I "catch" him to say I will not be part of a triangle again. Therefore letting me totally detach and H to deal with the consequences.
Yesterday i made a vow to myself to continue to look at all the positives H & I have made over the last months, and a vow to keep this vulture OW out of my head. Decided the hyper vigilance was doing me no good, --This only lasted about 48hrs.
Yesterday H tells me he is going to visit a cousin overnight at cousin's lakehouse. Yes, H did spend last night at cousins, but today H leaves me voicemail while I am at work telling me he is staying later. By "coincidence" the OW lives very close by to the lakehouse and this was the excuse H would give me last year when A going on. I know for a fact H left his cousin and I just don't want to call his cell to "check up". I so wanted to hear words from h of assurance that H understood that going away overnight would make me anxious and that H wants to build trust, but words from him never came. H left and I smiled on the outside saying "have fun"
Why do I want to just bust him? do others lie here waiting as I do to catch them in their lies? Feeling if I could bust him outright it would stop the rollercoaster of second guessing, am i just waiting for him to screw up even if it is not ture?
do others feel this way too?
Do I need to keep getting this OW out of my brain and focus on the positives H and I have, or continue my vigilance and put up my defense, vowing I will find out for sure and then let h know that it is not right for me to continue pretending we are piecing with OW still in the picture.
ok, realize I am really just writing a wake up note to myself, but at the same time wanting to take the few hour drive to OW's house and find out for sure.
Maybe someone lives in Midwest and wants to go on a road trip with me!!!!!! I've imagined myself doing that now for 2 years, but proud of the fact, I"ve have had the dignity not to.
for now I will sit here and write to myself and this board, thanks, BUT maybe a roadtrip--someday!!!!
