I am bouncing back and forth on boards--not sure where I belong?
My sitch:
H: MLC, had/has(?) long term PA 2-3yrs, we S, H home now 6 mo., BUT EA continues( yes I do the antiDB of checking computer and snooping, I have come to believe I am better off knowing where I/We are in this journey) H has contact by phone stil with OW and does email. H depressed, very silent,& most of all totally silent regarding the past A, our R, no MC. H does not see IC, I do see C.
Me: past the stage of believing we will suddenly live happily ever after. I have not brought up any A talk, & I try to bring up R talk at the "right" moments. Rare moments when I act as if everything is "normal", lighten up, have some great times with him ( trips, ML, flowers and gifts from H)
I have asked H outright about any continued contact probably once a month in the last 6 mo. and get an answer of "yes, just to check in" any further attempts have brought H to hang his head in silence or get statements " sorry I hurt you."
leads me to sadly believe H's silence can mean:??????????? continued strong EA for sure H thinks he can be "more careful" this time and continue PA H does not want to stop EA-- H is/was her rescuer, close to her 3 children, i don't know much about OW, trying not to go there in my mind. OR H truely thinks he is physically at home, to him that's trying, and he can have us both.
My GAL has come a long way since the big bomb and I know I will be ok no matter what, I continue to work on me and know I can only work on me.
BUT!!! I need help on telling H that an EA , or continued PA, is a part of this I know about and need to detach from. I am not at all good at expressing myself, especially when I try, H hangs his head in silence. I tried writing my thoughts to him, the last letter was about a month ago, after I tested positive for HPV for the first time after 20 yrs. of paps! His response again was silence.
my gut feeling is that to continue to keep me strong, H needs to know why I can't continue to act "as if" NOT to let on that I snoop, not to give an ultimatum, but to somehow communicate that I cannot pretend we are piecing, keeping this silence has not worked for me.
Looking for help to communicate this to H. Let him see that I am so willing to work on M, but not at the price of deceivement.
To those here hard work at piecing, where I have read many strong and encouraging words, thanks.
