Well Mama, I think what you really need is some action, not words! It sounds like you could have had some, but you were interrupted. I'd talk to him about that. Make some changes in your life so you have more alone, uninterrupted time. One night a week when each child goes to a friends of grandma's to spend the night. Or a swap with another family. One night with a babysitter every week. Strict bedtimes, 8 pm, for the kids. Seriously, Mama, if you want to get together you got to create that first. Otherwise H feels the pressure, with no solutions. And it feels like it's all up to him to figure it out. Harley says couples need 12 - 20 hours per week of alone time (no others, just the couple) and more if the M is not strong and you need to build it back. He says couples say they can't manage that. And he says, is your M a priority or not? His Needs, Her Needs is a great book. It's time Mama for you to put some attention on rebuilding your M. Kids are notorious interruptors. They sense the closeness and they want in. And that can destroy the good energy between the parents that they were drawn to, ironically. YOU need to create the space, set the tone, put the M first. My two cents. Don't put it on H.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
PL, After reading your last post I tend to agree with you. I do not want to put it all in H's hands; that is way too much pressure, especially if he is not ready yet. Kids....what the heck to do with them? We definitely cannot afford a babysitter. My parents live 3 hours away, H's parents....well that's another story. That leaves my brother and his wife that just recently moved about 2 miles away. I watched their son last year from 6 weeks of age to 13 months (which by the way I attribute to my H being a WAS), so I guess they owe me some babysitting time. H works Saturdays and I work Sat. night so I will see if I can arrange something for this Sunday. Maybe I will let him know that in my note. Thanks for being there for me, PL, I truely appreciate you!!!
Ok, rephrased my note to say maybe we could drop the kids off at my brothers on Sunday so we could have some alone time. In his note back this morning he replyed "It would be nice to do something with no disturbances" so it looks like we are both on the same page!!!
well, 3 kids must be more of a challenge, but for some "intimate" time nothing beats giving both of our kids a bowl full of popcorn and a spongebob movie!
Also, kids go to bed at a certain time, or we just lock the door and I tell son I'm changing while I pop a 20min CareBear movie for the little one, enough time for some fun
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I think this sort of boundary is essential for kids. They need to see that your marriage is a priority to you and that they can't have your attention whenever they want it. I think making a habit out of this, not necessarily for physical intimacy, but just getting away behind closed doors for a little while regularly together is a very good thing for kids to see.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Funny story. When my oldest was about six she walked into our bedroom while W and I were "doing it" (door had been closed). I looked at D and asked "what are you doing in here?" She replied "that's just what I wanted to ask you two!"
Thanks for the advice unfortunately the lock on the door doesn't work - definitely need to fix that. D's 11 and 9 are night owls and kind of have an idea of what we might be doing behind the closed doors and S5 is just up our a$$ all the time. I know, excuses. Anyway, I have made arrangements for the kids to go to my brothers house on Sunday so keep your fingers crossed .
Mama, my boy too is a night owl, I put him to bed at 9:30 on a school day and at 11:30 I still hear him make airplane/explosion noises, dont' matter to me, rules are rules and he knows he is supposed to stay in bed. We put some soft music and keep it quiet, even if we aren't doing it, we just want sometime alone. I have a 3yr old who follows me to the bathroom, I work full time and miss her so, but still, bedtime is bedtime and she knows this, after her milk, brushing of teeth and book she goes to her bed, lights out, and she stays there, both kids know they aren't supposed to be out and about after I tuck them in and I'm consistent, no kids awake after 10pm.
Long ago I used to let kids stay up 'til 11, again, because I didnt' see them during the day, and so H and I never got time alone, it contributed to our distancing.
So what if the 9 and 11 yr can "guess" what you are doing, you are adults and it is normal--you are not doing drugs or something illegal-- it's nothing to be ashamed of. Walk your little self to Home Depot TODAY and 12$(more of less) later you'll have some privacy, anyone can change a knob.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
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