Hi PL, Thanks for posting to me. I started another thread in Piecing, thinking I could get some help/advice from people who have been where I am now. I took this from Believing Isiah's thread as it really applies to me as well:
Quote: Was reading Believing Isiah's thread and copied this:
I need to be supportive and not so fcuking DISAPPOINTED in what I am not getting from my H. That hangs like a black cloud over the atmosphere of this house and it's UP TO ME TO CHANGE THAT, not to wait for some happy pill to descend upon the home for me to get over my disappointment and ENTITLEMENT feelings. Which is somewhat understandable, but one hell of a cheesless tunnel here.
This speaks volumes for how I am feeling. I feel "entitled" I guess and "disappointed" when I don't get my way. I feel that H should be more affectionate towards me. I think that if I were to be in his shoes I would be kissing the ground he walked on for even still being here. Instead I am feeling like second best. Like the booby prize. He couldn't have her (for whatever reason), so he is stuck with me. He hates it, but oh well, he loves his kids...
I guess I want the fairy tale ending. I want him to purge his soul to me and beg forgivness and tell me that I am the greatest thing that ever happened to him in his life!!! Is that asking too much? Maybe, but how about somewhere in between what I am getting and that. He just seems so indifferent. I feel like he tolerates me and can't wait to either go to bed or go to work. Is this my mind spinning things? Who knows. What I do know is that even though H is back, I am not happy. Is this just part of the process? Should I just be MORE patient and hope for the best? This is so frustrating....as you all know, right? Time to self-medicate, huh? Just kidding. Maybe some tea.... Thanks for letting me ramble.
It's true, Mama. We all deserve a hell of a lot more than we're getting for sticking around these undeserving wretches! I think the A thing makes it so tough. We're supposed to sit around smiling like idiots and wait for our S's to get the OP out of their friggin heads. Along the way we GAL and hopefully that makes us feel better (and it does!). But how long do we wait? 3 months, 1 year, 2 years? I've been plugging along for over 3 years now. If I didn't have kids I'd have probably packed up and bailed a long time ago and would have been rightly applauded by friends and family for doing so. My W's PA has been going on, to my knowledge, for about 8 months now and the EA had been years as far as I'm concerned. So I too get pretty damn impatient and quite often think I've had enough of her sh*t, even when good stuff seems to be happening. Problem is I still love my W and am willing to go to the ends of the earth to keep her and our family together. Whether or not she deserves that kind of loyalty is another question. But I know in my heart that I can't quit until I know there is absolutely nothing more I can do. I think that describes you too, Mama. So vent here and then just keep on fighting the good fight alongside the rest of us crazies!
****We all deserve a hell of a lot more than we're getting for sticking around these undeserving wretches!
Well deserve has nothing to do with it. In life we deserve nothing. However respect does. I have the utmost respect for the LBS fighting for his/her marriage. Y'all are some strong folks.
****But how long do we wait?
I wonder that too reading all these situations. Where is the Rubicon?
****Whether or not she deserves that kind of loyalty is another question.
Deserve has nothing to do with it.
****But I know in my heart that I can't quit until I know there is absolutely nothing more I can do.
That is what makes you a good man.
****I think that describes you too, Mama. So vent here and then just keep on fighting the good fight
It does describe you Strongbear.
Whatisis...you have some good words of wisdom.
Strongbear,
You won a big battle. The war is not over.
****I want him to purge his soul to me and beg forgivness and tell me that I am the greatest thing that ever happened to him in his life!!! Is that asking too much?
Right now it is. Is that fair...no
****I feel like he tolerates me and can't wait to either go to bed or go to work. Is this my mind spinning things?
He probably feels like he did the right thing and is relegated to his blah life now. This is your chance to show him it is not blah. Give him and show him a reason to love you.
Again he is in the wrong. However you fight is not over. You need to be even stronger and now than you were before. FIGHT for you marriage. Put yourself aside. When you do, he will fall in love with you and crawl on his knees begging you to forgive him.
****Should I just be MORE patient and hope for the best?
NO keep on working on your marriage. He is back. That is great. That's a good thing. For now, put the affair aside. Do everything you can to make him fall in love with you.
I have gotten e-mails and read situations where the WAS came back. It was all happy for about a week then it sucked. THAT is where the work begins. HE is not capable of it now. YOU are. Don't have a pity party and feel an entitlement. Even though you have every right to...it is a detriment now.
Strongbear YOU have to make this work. He cannot. Don't depend on him to. If you do, you will be disappointed.
JM, I almost did the "right to happiness" thing, didn't I? But I didn't because I think deserving something means I have done something that, in all fairness, deserves a return of some type. I don't have the "right" to it because a right infers you don't have to do anything to get it. I don't expect my W to love me just because I am her H, I expect her to love me for what I put into our R. Now, whether I get it or am going to get it, is out of my hands. If I (and Mama) get the WRONG answer we can choose to let it destroy our lives, because we deserve better, or to carry on and make ourselves happy despite not getting what we may "deserve". JM, I don't want you to ever think I've been sucked into the deep black hole of rightful happiness ! Thanks for your thoughts, I like to think I'm a good man too (and my W agrees, she just doesn't love me like you do!). And now, after that brief interlude, back to you, Mama!
Tonight was really something. We had a nice weekend...blah...blah...today he calls me around 10:30 this morning to see how I am and how my day is going and to basically chit chat. He hasn't done that in about 1 year. So, the rest of the day I am happy. He should be home around 3 or 3:30. That comes and goes. At 6:30 I feed the kids then grab a couple of beers and head up to my room, turn on the stereo and cry. How did my life end up like this?
He calls at 7:15, says he went out drinking, it's not what I think, he didn't do anything, he tells me he loves me more than anything, don't worry, he will be home soon. I told him "I can't do this anymore, I'm done." He said, again, it's not what you think. I was just drinking. I will never leave your or our kids, I love you more than anything. You are my world. I didn't say much.
Once he comes home he hugs me and tells me how much he loves me. How stupid he has been this past year. How this past year has made him realize how much he loves me and our family. That I am his best friend and his soul mate. He wouldn't give us up for anything. We hug and kiss and I tell him that I love him too. Then Paul McCartney comes on the stereo and says how much he loves "someone" and we laugh like the song was planned.
Then, the storm outside goes crazy and our basement proceeds to flood like never before. It takes us almost 2 hours to get rid of the water. Isn't that sobering, isn't that true love?
I feel so much better now. He was probably with her, as this is somewhere around their 1 year anniversary. But he decided that he didn't want her, he wanted me and our family. For this I am truely greatful.
When he was hugging me he said he loved me so much. I told him that ALOT of people loved him (meaning me and our 3 kids) I think he knows that.
I am not going to get complacent and take things for granted, I will continue this fight and work as hard as I can because I love this man with all of my heart and my kids love this man too!
Update: Tuesday H was home from work by 2:30!! I had to work at 5:00 and made a point to hug and kiss him goodbye.
BTW, had a great time at work and made tons of $$, of course today after going to Walmart and the grocery store it is almost gone...
H was home early again today although I am still uncomfortable with the fact that he works with OW. H does not have a regular 9-5 job so his start and stop times always differ depending on the day therefore I don't know if he actually worked until 3:00 or was really off at 2 and spent an hour with OW, ya know?
Anyhow the reason for this post is because I want to let you all know what I wrote in his note for the morning and if anyone thinks it is too pressuring, they can tell me now and I can rip it up and rewrite it before he sees it.
This is what I wrote:
"Good Morning Honey! If I fall asleep your jacket and uniforms are in the dryer. I don't know how to talk to you about this but I was so happy a couple of weeks ago when we were "together". I love being with you and look forward to doing it again soon! If you want to talk that would be great - if you're not ready yet that is ok too, just let me know. Thanks. I hope you have a good day! I love you! "
He gets up at 3 a.m. and I should be up for at least another hour or two so someone pipe in, otherwise the notes stands as is.
Hi Mama, I think the note might be too pressuring. I am not sure, you know best, but I am thinking of Michele's book. Actions, not words. Humor and lightness, not R talk. So, I say, if you liked it, just create the mood, or whisper in his ear let's go to bed early tonight, or let's get naked and see what happens. I dunno Mama bear, like I said you know H best. But if you are in doubt, that it might be too pressuring, it probably is. That's my two cents. Go easy, go playful, go mysterious. That would be my sense of it. Hang in there Mama :-) You are doing great.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
PL, I agree that it might be too pressuring but I am at a loss. With 3 somewhat small kids, it is really hard to find "us" time. For instance, this afternoon after we picked up all the kids from school; H went downstairs to work out and I went upstairs to our bedroom to read and eventually fell asleep (I was exhausted from working till 12:30 last night). H came up and took a shower. He came out semi-naked and I lifted the blanket and said "want to join me?" He did. We snuggled for about 1 minute before S5 came in and climbed in between us. I said something to the effect of "great, the story of my life..." 2 minutes later D9 came in and climbed into the bed. That pretty much killed the mood. Therefore, since I am not really comfortable talking to him yet I thought the note would be good. At least he would know how I felt. Whether he responds or not is up to him. Am I wrong in thinking this way?
! Thanks for your thoughts, I like to think I'm a good man too (and my W agrees, she just doesn't love me like you do!). And now, after that brief interlude, back to you, Mama! 
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