Mama is still pluggin' along...

[Mamabear]

Last night when H came home from work (about 20 minutes later than usual) he seemed very cold at first. He warmed up a little but still wasn't himself. His back is really killing him, so I know that has alot to do with his attitude. I have offered everything, from a massage to making a Dr. appt. and he accepts nothing from me. Then this mornging as he is leaving for work he says he will probably go to the Dr. on his way home. Now I am suspicious. Is he really going to the Dr. or making excuses to be late because he will be meeting up with OW?

I really feel like we need to talk about our R. I want to know where he is in his head. A little over a week ago we ML for the first time in almost a year and nothing is said. I don't like that. Did it mean anything to him? I'm just frustrated I guess. I have to work at 5 today so hopefully he will be up when I get home (and the kids will be asleep) so maybe I can talk then.

[believing_isaiah43]

Then we can move on and I will never bring it up again.

I hate to break it to you, but this is crap. You will SO bring it up again. You think you won't but it will eat at you even after an apology. Even after it's completely over. Even after he swears he'll never do it again. Sorry.

My H will talk R stuff with me, but he squirms a good bit about it BECAUSE HE FEELS UNDER THE MICROSCOPE, WATCHED AND ANALYZED CONSTANTLY. And he is by me. And your H is by you. Bringing up the fact that he is or is not doing stuff you need, etc. just pressures him. Trust me. I'm living it. It slows down EVERYTHING. Any progress gets completely stalled, all because you HAD to say something. TRUST ME. I'm living it. You'll do what you will, b/c I know how difficult it is to just live in it and think 'how can I NOT say anything, otherwise he'll think this is okay with me?'. I'm just saying. Keep quiet if you can.

[Mamabear]

BL,
Since you are living it right now I will definitely take your advice seriously:

Keep quiet if you can.

Although, I have to admit this is VERY hard for me to do.

My H will talk R stuff with me, but he squirms a good bit about it BECAUSE HE FEELS UNDER THE MICROSCOPE, WATCHED AND ANALYZED CONSTANTLY. And he is by me. And your H is by you

I think that is exactly the same thing in our sitch. How do I stop "watching and analyzing"? I am so tired of being suspicious all of the time.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Mama, I can tell how frustrated you are, and believe me, I understand!! I wonder if it would help for you, if you went back to the DB basics. Get out of your head, and write some stuff down. What actions will you take, what baby steps will you be looking for? Focus on your behavior, and the behavior you see in response to see if you are on the right track. Also, when H's back is hurting, he is not himself. I know when my back is hurting, or when my stomach is upset, I am not "right" I am uncomfortable and it spills over. So this is important information. Anyway, I am thinking if you write stuff down, rather than pressuring H for an R talk, you will have the information you need. Then maybe set a time limit for yourself. Maybe one week, or 30 days, when you will reevaluate your sitch to see if you want to make some changes. We both know you can not go on like this forever. But it will not be forever. It will be as long as you say. Set some goals Mama. Put some action steps in place. Monitor the results. And stop making yourself crazy trying to figure out what H is thinking! I do that, cheeseless tunnel, so take it from me... I am rooting for you, Mama. Do something good for yourself today. BTW, how did the make up exploration and new look work out?

[believing_isaiah43]

How do I stop "watching and analyzing"? I am so tired of being suspicious all of the time.

Honey, if I knew, I'd write my own book. I'm not suspicious of the OW/A anymore, but of his feelings about me. There is no ILY from him. Ever. And yet, he's here and 'committed'. But it doesn't FEEL committed to me if there's no feelings with it...? Ack, anyway, should post all that crap on my own thread.

Anyway, all that to say that we analyze our S's in different areas for a LONG time. I don't want to, but I don't feel at ease and I don't know where we are emotionally, and H just feels the tension of being watched & scrutinized all the time. Yuck. It used to be a 'suspicious' watching, when I would check his email accounts and see what songs he was listening to on his iPod to gauge where his heart was. I haven't done that in a LONG time, but he still lives under that cloud from me. He said recently that it's the pressure of this whole M sitting on what he does/doesn't do, what he says/doesn't say to me, that somehow I've put the whole balance of this M in his lap. He's right, in a way, and I'm not sure how to stop that. Theories are easier than putting them into practice.

Hm. Have to copy & paste all this into my own thread. Sorry if it's a hijack, but I think some of this parallels your sitch too. H has started posting his story of the A on my blog in installments. If you haven't read any of it, you may find some of it insightful. Go here and look in the Sidebar for The Husband's Story links. Perhaps it will be helpful to you. That's why he agreed to it, to stop anyone from having an A if he could.

You know, on paper, he's doing all the right things, and yet I still feel miles away from him. I don't know when or if that will end.

[always_14]

Mama, hang in there. I suspect that when things seem to get better and start taking that turn, is when it gets the hardest for us. We have secretly had this vision of what the reconciliation will be {think romantic scene with water fountain and flower petals floating through the air as you and your H run to each other and clasp in throws of passion, as he professes his undying love for you}.... take THAT Daniel Steele!

OK, but what I was trying to say is that this is coming around, in it's OWN way...not YOUR way. Stay patient.....this is when you need that reserve of strength and patience most.

There WILL be a day that is YOUR day to ask questions, get answers, and feel angry. Until then, let the natural path take it's course.

[Mamabear]

Well not much to report, sadly...
Things are pretty much the same around here. H writes "ILY" every morning in his little note to me but does not say it. He still seems very standoff-ish. When he goes to bed (he goes alot earlier than me, since he gets up at 3:00 a.m.) he comes to me and gives me a hug but turns his face as far away from mine as he can.

Last night after tucking the kids in I went in to him since I knew he was still awake. I said; "Can I ask you something? Does it make you uncomfortable to hug and kiss me? Cause I feel like when I try I am invading your space." H said; "No, come over here. I like it." I proceeded to give him a hug and a kiss goodnight. Hopefully I broke the ice as far as affection goes. Who knows, time will tell.

[whatisis]

Way to go, Mama. You communicated rather than just sitting on it and stewing. You asked and he answered. There may be many reasons besides you as to why he doesn't seem into hugging at times. Maybe the football game is starting and his mind is there. maybe he's thinking about work or the groceries he forgot to pick up for you, who knows. It's wonderful you had the courage to ask.

[grasshopper]

Wish my W had football to use as an excuse, lol.

Mama, don't try to rush this. Things ARE going in the right direction and if not, he's just proving himself to be a world class asswhole and really, isn't that what we all want in the end, to prove one way or another if what we are fighting for is really worth it?

That's been my thinking all along with this supposed reconciliation my W and I are trying. IF she's lying to me and still seeing him through all this, then I really think I have my answer, or something closer to it.

In any event, I wouldn't sweat the slowness of the process because after all, you are still learning too. Take your time and really try to focus on the positives. If it's negative, there will be time enough for that later on.

GH

[PositivelyListening]

Hi MamaBear, I think GH is right on on this. Try focusing on every positive you see, rather than dwelling on what's not there or doesn't fit your picture. Write them down. Every time you think something's missing, look for something you do like, don't stop 'til you find at least one and write it down. This is my new practice in my process, anyway - cultivating an "attitude of gratitude." If it turns out my H is never coming home, well geez he missed out, because I have a long list of things that are GREAT in my life... I do think your H is trying Mama. And sometimes the more focus we put on them, and what we're not getting, the worse it gets. So just kep focusing on being a better you.

And being assertive, asking him about things that are on your mind - that's all good. Especially if you've thought it over for a while, and you are not just spinning whatever worry it is today. You approach him calmly with the "real important" stuff (not just the daily insecurities, mind you - bring those here!), and I am sure you will continue to get the answers you need to keep going. Patience Mama. How's the self care coming along? Remember, one of the things you can do is take such good care of yourself that they notice... No harm in focusing on that