Sorry to hear it. Hang in there, it's a relapse. It will get better. Don't give up hope. The only thing that has changed here is your expectation for the future.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Mama, It's a long process! I'm so glad people on this board were able to prepare you, I hope in some way that helped cushion the fall somewhat. Again, he ML to you for a reason, as you said, he could of not bothered like he has for a long time. Further, how do you know he and OW weren't yelling at each other the whole damn time? Who knows. Keep pushing forward Mama. I think you could live forever just to outlast the bitch Your gonna take this in the end!
Mama, I'll make this short and sweet. You don't know what he said in those 27 minutes. He could have been describing, in detail, your ML session to get her to leave him alone. You don't know so don't dwell on it and for damn sure don't let it spoil your afterglow.
Muddle, Whatisis & Grasshopper, Thank you so much for giving a $hit about me right now. Especially in the midst of everything you all are going thru. It really makes me feel good to know that Somebody cares about me.
I had to be at work by 5:00, H call at 4:35 and told D9 that he was just getting off the highways and would be home in a couple of minutes and to tell mommy to go to work. I left, because I didn't want to be late, even though I did not like leaving kids home alone. I tried calling him at least 6 times on my way to work and got the ring that signifys he is on another call the whole time. I wanted to puke!!!!
I got to work and called one more time, busy. Checked my phone, thank God I only had 1 table, and saw that he finally called back. I called home and he sounded a little short with me. I said, wait up because we need to talk about our sitch. He said "we're ok, in fact we are good, don't worry". This put me at ease enough to finish my shift.
I get home and he is on the couch; his back has been killing him and I ask how he is (since I left Aleve and a Thermawrap in his bathroom), he bites my head off. I say don't yell at me and he proceeds to lay back on the couch and sleep. I put the kids to bed and after a while he gets up to go to bed. I can see that he is in severe pain. I follow him upstairs and help put on the Thermawrap. He hugged me goodnight. We barely talked and he avoided any R talk.
You are all right, I do not know what they talked about (or yelled about for that matter) but I am ready to take a stand. I want to tell him that I am not comfortable with his job right now (OW works there). Since he works for a large international company, I don't think he would have too much trouble transferring to another location. I also think that since he doesn't want to talk to me that maybe we really need to go to a therapist to "help" us talk to eachother.
I think you ought to hold off. He is back and leaving the OW. As sick as it may sound, he needs his healing place of leaving her. When he is done with her, it will be because HE wanted to and not because he was forced to.
Thank you Jokerman, for responding to me and putting things in the perspective of someone who has been there, done that. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time, especially with all that you are going thru right now.
Again, I am not a religious person AT ALL, but I think you have been on this journey for a reason. Thank you so much for being there for me!
Admiting my faults, humbling myself and being an open book does me more good than it does you. It is part of my journey to self forgiveness.
****I think you have been on this journey for a reason.
Honey (I'm from the south forgive me) we are all on this journey for a reason. It may be a bad reason, or a good reason but there is a reason. If there is not; we ought to all give up.
I know how dissapointed you were finding the phone bill, feeling your H move toward you and ML with you, and then pull away a bit again. However, I believe this is all to be expected. I think the WAS inches back towards the LBS very slowly. 2 steps forwards, 1 1/2 steps back. They are testing the water, making sure they can come back and seeing each time if it will be OK. They are also weaning themselves off of the addictive OW R. What happened is to be expected. Your H may need to do this 5 or 6 times in order to get it accomplished. You must leave him alone with this, leave him to his journey. Don't pressure him. Don't push R talk. Don't force this to be on your timing. You must DB harder than ever right now. You do not want to lose what you have gained - there has been SO MUCH PROGRESS. So, here's my recommendations: Focus on the positives Write down the baby steps, every time, so you can see them GAL, GAL, GAL activities No snooping! Base your decisions/actions on behaviors Be kind, lovingly detached (yes, AGAIN!!!) Patience, patience, patience
No expectations right now MamaBear. Your H is working some stuff out. You will know when he is truly back. Meanwhile, there will be these slow, small steps, with a back step every time in between. I know this is easier said than done, but try to find the humor in it too. I mean really, at this point it is so predictable it's funny. Try to find your lightness of being, if you can. Because things aren't any worse than they were 2 weeks ago. Two weeks ago, you hadn't ML in a LOOOONG time. So, remember, focus on all the positives. Just the good stuff right now. Write them down, and look for them when you see H. What do you like about him? Focus on only that for thetime being, and watch it grow.
BTW, there are books that talk about body and when certain parts of the body are ill or hurting, it is related to certain aspects of the being. Louise L. Hay has quite a few books on this. The back and back pain refers to a need for support. So, if you have it in you MamaBear, realize that your H needs a little support on his journey to become healthy and strong again. Give him your generous love and understanding when you can, and keep yourself as busy as possible when you can't. Your H is coming along. It's all perfect. I promise. Hang in there, MamaBear. Patience now, especially now.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Quote: I am ready to take a stand. I want to tell him that I am not comfortable with his job right now (OW works there). Since he works for a large international company, I don't think he would have too much trouble transferring to another location.
Mama, please don't. You're getting results with the approach you've been using. Don't push him back into the OW's arms by being demanding or controlling.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
PL and RB, Thank you for your kind words of advice. It all makes so much sense when I see it in writing.
I went up to bed around midnight and H was still awake, in pain. I forgot that I was upset and lovingly tried to take care of him. I tried to massage him but he couldn't get comfortable so I made him a cup of sleepytime tea. (He is not a tea drinker). This morning I got a nice note thanking me for taking care of him and that the tea really did help him sleep.
It seems like the majority of you all say to leave it alone and keep DB'ing like never before so that is exactly what I will do.
PL, I will look into the book you recommended as my back has been killing me lately too (stress related I'm sure). I have picked up extra hours at work so that really helps me in the GAL department. I have fun with my coworkers and customers and it keeps my mind off of my M.
Your gonna take this in the end!